In reading my blog, one might think that I'm going through the worst time in my life. I write a lot about how other people's bad judgment affects me, emotionally and practically, and I'm not exaggerating about that. Most of the time, I only write when I'm feeling very strongly about something, and usually when I feel that strongly it's in a negative way - which is sad. It's also an indicator that in a lot of ways, this is NOT a good time in my life.
But it's also an indicator that I need to get my chin up more often, and be more appreciative of the bright spots in my life. This afternoon, as I'm rushing to finish late homework and complete projects and try to pass all my classes, I had to stop and write for a moment about something a little different. Hopefully it will be a bit more positive than usual.
I'm starting to realize more and more that soon I will say goodbye to a lot of things that I know, and a lot of people that I take for granted. Graduation in four short months and the start of a career will be wonderful, and I can't wait. But I also wish I could take some folks with me, and maybe just plant them all around me like a beautiful garden. I want to form my own little fantasy neighborhood, so I can have the best neighbors ever to always be around me.
Normally I don't name names, but this time I will. This is by no means a complete list; if I had the time, I'd create a whole town of my ideal folks and families. But as I'm discussing graduation, and leaving behind the theatre people that I love, they will be the content in this neighborhood.
Marza has to be there. I need her sense of humor and her keen theatrical eye and her intelligence and her leadership and her unconditional love in my life forever more. Boo to Chicago Marza. Live by me always.
Gotta have Michael. He understands and accepts me for who I am, and never tries to make me something else that would make more sense to him. Same thing goes for Tyson. I can talk to them anytime, about anything, and they always make me think. They should both be in my neighborhood.
Shelby and Maddie and Angela and Kalyn and Liz have to be there too. They probably shouldn't ALways live with each other, or even next door, but I love them all so much, and I don't ever want to miss them. These are the women I could happily marry, any one of them. They make me feel real, and cared for, and I can sense the vast depth of their care and friendship. It's pretty amazing.
David should always be my neighbor. He could be the Catholic-ish godfather to my not-so-Catholic Mormon kids. If I, and they, can have his caring and beautiful soul in their life all the time, we will all be better people. Derek needs to be around too, to bounce ideas and conversations and emotions off of, and to remind me to listen closer more often, and to give me greater faith in the honor of humanity.
Jim needs to be there. And Jillian. Come back from Seattle Jillian. We'll set something up so you can be just as awesome a working actor down here in my neighborhood. Jim, will you be in charge of that? Also, I always, always need to work on shows - and life - with both of you. You know how to make theatre - and life - beautiful. Thank you for teaching me so much.
Jake Sommer should be down the street, with a big house and 17 kids. And Jake Evans should be up the street, with Nami and one beautiful daughter. In ten years ;) And Craig should be there, and Landon and Caitlin and Libby, and just their whole family basically. And I'd love it if Jen lived around the corner too. Maybe we could team teach together. I want all of you there.
And of course, my family should be around. Maybe a couple streets away. Close enough that my kids could ride their bikes to Grandma and Grandpa's house after school. I wouldn't be who I am without them.
There are dozens of other that could move in to this community as well and I would receive them with joy. These people that I'm writing about are the ones I know I'll always want with me, in my heart at least, and the ones whose absence I will mourn. Even with all the rottenness that's around, these are my true friends, who have given what they have to help make my life better. I can only pray that I have been able to offer a little bit of my own best in return.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Intentional Harm
It's really hard for me to understand how some people can explain away hurtful gossip as a helpful warning. Don't they know that it causes real pain? Whatever you might believe about me, whatever you think I've done...is it that vital that you chase others away from getting to know me? It hurts :( and I wish it would stop.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Changing Worlds
I'm getting older. A lot of people who know me laugh and roll their eyes when I say that, and to an extent I join them. I'm only 26, and realistically I have a long time to live, barring anything tragic (knock on wood). But I've surpassed my childhood and my teenage years, moved out of my family's house, graduated high school, and soon college, and begun to embark on my career path. After this April - even if, in the future, I change employers, or move to different cities at some point, or land a fantastic position somewhere - the rest of my life will be pretty much the same routine: sleep, work at something I mostly enjoy, interact with the people I enjoy spending time with, rinse, repeat. The only things that could conceivably change the course of my life's "flavor" would be marriage and kids.
So, with this concept in mind, for the last year or so I've been getting more or less used to that idea. It's a roller coaster sometimes, and occasionally I get caught up in the intricacies and ridiculousness of the mini-universe that is a college theatre department. Wisdom is pretty thin on the ground (not that I necessarily have any either), and people's judgment is almost always some mix of impaired, influenced, invisible, or idiotic. But a few people are able to break through the skin of petty gossip and popularity contests, and make me grateful for this time in my life.
I'm more and more distant from those starting this journey, and sometimes it's hard for me to be less connected. But it's also good. Some of the kids starting in my department are...well, to put it bluntly, they're dumb. They have no idea what they're getting into as they experiment with alcohol and sex and other things. A large (teacher) part of me wants to help them figure it out and prevent them from screwing up their lives too much. But the fact that I'm getting older (full circle!) means that they think I'm stupid, or boring, or condescending, or whatever. Or just old. Which normally would be a crisis of self-esteem for me...but it's less and less so. It's almost not worth it to develop a friendship that will likely only last a year. Or less. Unless, of course, they want to. Then I'm all for it. But I'm not going to waste effort.
To some of my readers (wow, that sounds pretentious lol), that might seem cold, or uncompassionate. But just know that I DID try. Unfortunately, people continually prove that they aren't really all that different from the ones that came before - most of them anyway. They cycle once again through the same patterns of assumptions and snap judgments and shallow stupidities. Only a few escape from that. Those are the ones I admire and cherish.
So, as my world changes slowly, and I prepare for the world that it coming, I reminisce and reflect on what I leave behind. It's bittersweet. But the sweet overcomes the bitter. I look forward to a new life, where I can start fresh, and bring in only the influences that I desire. It'll probably be less ideal than I imagine (how sad, on some levels, to have lost my idealism and my naivete), but it'll still be a world in which I have more control of my fate. And that, I hope, will be worth all the years it's taken to get there.
So, with this concept in mind, for the last year or so I've been getting more or less used to that idea. It's a roller coaster sometimes, and occasionally I get caught up in the intricacies and ridiculousness of the mini-universe that is a college theatre department. Wisdom is pretty thin on the ground (not that I necessarily have any either), and people's judgment is almost always some mix of impaired, influenced, invisible, or idiotic. But a few people are able to break through the skin of petty gossip and popularity contests, and make me grateful for this time in my life.
I'm more and more distant from those starting this journey, and sometimes it's hard for me to be less connected. But it's also good. Some of the kids starting in my department are...well, to put it bluntly, they're dumb. They have no idea what they're getting into as they experiment with alcohol and sex and other things. A large (teacher) part of me wants to help them figure it out and prevent them from screwing up their lives too much. But the fact that I'm getting older (full circle!) means that they think I'm stupid, or boring, or condescending, or whatever. Or just old. Which normally would be a crisis of self-esteem for me...but it's less and less so. It's almost not worth it to develop a friendship that will likely only last a year. Or less. Unless, of course, they want to. Then I'm all for it. But I'm not going to waste effort.
To some of my readers (wow, that sounds pretentious lol), that might seem cold, or uncompassionate. But just know that I DID try. Unfortunately, people continually prove that they aren't really all that different from the ones that came before - most of them anyway. They cycle once again through the same patterns of assumptions and snap judgments and shallow stupidities. Only a few escape from that. Those are the ones I admire and cherish.
So, as my world changes slowly, and I prepare for the world that it coming, I reminisce and reflect on what I leave behind. It's bittersweet. But the sweet overcomes the bitter. I look forward to a new life, where I can start fresh, and bring in only the influences that I desire. It'll probably be less ideal than I imagine (how sad, on some levels, to have lost my idealism and my naivete), but it'll still be a world in which I have more control of my fate. And that, I hope, will be worth all the years it's taken to get there.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Judgments
I was going to make this a Facebook status, but I decided I couldn't say everything I wanted to in just one sentence. Plus I wanted to avoid a long, drawn-out battle between those of different ideologies.
There's been a serious build-up of emotions for so many people over the last few days and weeks. Many suicides of gay teenagers. Today, a reaffirmation by one of my religious leaders of a doctrine that my Church has held firmly to for as long as it's existed. For me, personally, some people, who should theoretically be more tolerant and more accepting, proving once again that they don't respect me at all. And another friendship hurt by lies. I feel ready to boil over.
Another challenge thrown my way. Well, I'm not gonna succumb world. Nobody ever reckons on me being as tenacious as I am. They figure I'll give in with enough pressure. Sometimes I'm afraid of the same thing. But not today.
To everyone who cares about me (or at least cares enough to read this): I love you. I know they're just words, and I know I'm not always (or ever) perfect at showing it. I set a high standard for myself, and I miss hitting it all the time. Not to be judgmental, but so do you. I'm okay with that. Please be okay with me. I love all my true friends, and I would do anything for them. Except sacrifice my honor. I stand for what I believe in, and I will not be swayed. Maybe one day I'll stand alone. I'm prepared for that. It's not fun, but I've had plenty of experience being around those who hate what I am, what I stand for, who I've chosen to be. If you can't love me until I change, or you're choosing to love me in a misguided expectation that you can make me change, that's not love. Sorry to break it to you. If you love me because you think I'm a pretty good person, thank you. I'm trying my best every day.
This is not a coherent post. There are no philosophical "zingers" or deep thoughts to contemplate. I'm just saying what i feel. Some people think I'm a robot, that I don't feel anything. Little do they know. I have emotions so deep and vibrant and consuming that they may never feel the like. My logic channels those emotions. My choices harness them. My destiny grows out of them.
Don't ever think you know me enough to sum me up, or judge me, or categorize me, or define me. You don't. Let me say it again: You don't, and you can't. If you want, you can get close. But the closer you get, the more I turn into a real boy, with all the intricacies and contradictions and strengths and weaknesses. If you can't handle that, stay away.
And for those who can? Thank you for being you.
There's been a serious build-up of emotions for so many people over the last few days and weeks. Many suicides of gay teenagers. Today, a reaffirmation by one of my religious leaders of a doctrine that my Church has held firmly to for as long as it's existed. For me, personally, some people, who should theoretically be more tolerant and more accepting, proving once again that they don't respect me at all. And another friendship hurt by lies. I feel ready to boil over.
Another challenge thrown my way. Well, I'm not gonna succumb world. Nobody ever reckons on me being as tenacious as I am. They figure I'll give in with enough pressure. Sometimes I'm afraid of the same thing. But not today.
To everyone who cares about me (or at least cares enough to read this): I love you. I know they're just words, and I know I'm not always (or ever) perfect at showing it. I set a high standard for myself, and I miss hitting it all the time. Not to be judgmental, but so do you. I'm okay with that. Please be okay with me. I love all my true friends, and I would do anything for them. Except sacrifice my honor. I stand for what I believe in, and I will not be swayed. Maybe one day I'll stand alone. I'm prepared for that. It's not fun, but I've had plenty of experience being around those who hate what I am, what I stand for, who I've chosen to be. If you can't love me until I change, or you're choosing to love me in a misguided expectation that you can make me change, that's not love. Sorry to break it to you. If you love me because you think I'm a pretty good person, thank you. I'm trying my best every day.
This is not a coherent post. There are no philosophical "zingers" or deep thoughts to contemplate. I'm just saying what i feel. Some people think I'm a robot, that I don't feel anything. Little do they know. I have emotions so deep and vibrant and consuming that they may never feel the like. My logic channels those emotions. My choices harness them. My destiny grows out of them.
Don't ever think you know me enough to sum me up, or judge me, or categorize me, or define me. You don't. Let me say it again: You don't, and you can't. If you want, you can get close. But the closer you get, the more I turn into a real boy, with all the intricacies and contradictions and strengths and weaknesses. If you can't handle that, stay away.
And for those who can? Thank you for being you.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Speaking in Code
Ever felt like other people were talking in a way that just wasn't understandable?
I mean, you can understand them, they're using all the right words, you just have the sneaking suspicion that there's a meaning somewhere that you're missing. Like they're using a code.
I bet you have.
As a matter of fact, most people complain about it all the time. It's the primary grounds for miscommunications between the sexes. It's the reason why half the time we don't do our homework right, or fail to get it in on time. It's the explanation for most of the tension between parents and kids.
"They just don't make any sense!"
Well, actually they do. Just not to everyone else. I had an experience like that today. I was having a conversation with my friend, and we suddenly, silently, subtly slipped into a coded conversation. I knew the content wasn't mean-spirited or hostile, but for some reason I was speaking a different language than my friend. It took me a while to realize this, but when I did, I came to understand a couple of other significant things about myself.
Most humans hear codes, and guess. Think about it: how many guys or girls would have girl/boyfriends if they didn't just say to themselves, "Ya know, I have no clue what s/he means by that, but gosh, s/he's cute, so I'll just pretend I do, and it'll all work out"? Relationships would be few and far between. They might be more successful, too, on average, but there sure wouldn't be as many.
Not too many people have the patience to sit down and decode. A lot of that has to do, I think, with the fact that in order to decipher another person's code, you need the other person. Plus they have to be willing. Plus they have to have enough of a basic level of articulation about themselves and their own thoughts and feelings that they can even decipher their own code. Plus you have to have both of those things as well. Plus you both have to like each other, and be lucky along with the rest of it.
Unfortunately, I have to understand the codes.
It's one of my chief insecurities: knowledge is power. If I don't know, and it's important to me, I will find out, eventually. If I'm wrong, I'll admit it, apologize, and then find out what the answer is so I'm never wrong about that again. I have a very, very hard time being comfortable with not understanding and not caring whether I do or not. As such, my immediate reaction, when confronted with these innumerable behavioral and conversational "codes," is the desire to sit down and...decode!
This sucks for me for a few reasons. First and foremost, it endangers many of my relationships right off the bat. What girl wants to date a guy who a) moves slower than cold molasses because he wants to "understand" things, b) actually attempts to sit down and interpret her feelings, and c) eventually snuffs out any mystery in the relationship because he already knows what she's thinking?! Not many, that's how many. Secondly, if I'm caught off guard, and someone that I think I've "decoded" suddenly gets a new code I've never seen before, it throws me for a loop. I don't know how to react. And since I've never developed the ability to "guess" like every other human, I run away. It takes a really kind person to follow me and figure out what's up after that.
Codes are a part of life. I enjoy figuring them out, usually. But sometimes, they become a very dangerous thing. I hope I can learn how to deal with them better, before I accidentally misread something, get skittish, and/or lose someone important.
I mean, you can understand them, they're using all the right words, you just have the sneaking suspicion that there's a meaning somewhere that you're missing. Like they're using a code.
I bet you have.
As a matter of fact, most people complain about it all the time. It's the primary grounds for miscommunications between the sexes. It's the reason why half the time we don't do our homework right, or fail to get it in on time. It's the explanation for most of the tension between parents and kids.
"They just don't make any sense!"
Well, actually they do. Just not to everyone else. I had an experience like that today. I was having a conversation with my friend, and we suddenly, silently, subtly slipped into a coded conversation. I knew the content wasn't mean-spirited or hostile, but for some reason I was speaking a different language than my friend. It took me a while to realize this, but when I did, I came to understand a couple of other significant things about myself.
Most humans hear codes, and guess. Think about it: how many guys or girls would have girl/boyfriends if they didn't just say to themselves, "Ya know, I have no clue what s/he means by that, but gosh, s/he's cute, so I'll just pretend I do, and it'll all work out"? Relationships would be few and far between. They might be more successful, too, on average, but there sure wouldn't be as many.
Not too many people have the patience to sit down and decode. A lot of that has to do, I think, with the fact that in order to decipher another person's code, you need the other person. Plus they have to be willing. Plus they have to have enough of a basic level of articulation about themselves and their own thoughts and feelings that they can even decipher their own code. Plus you have to have both of those things as well. Plus you both have to like each other, and be lucky along with the rest of it.
Unfortunately, I have to understand the codes.
It's one of my chief insecurities: knowledge is power. If I don't know, and it's important to me, I will find out, eventually. If I'm wrong, I'll admit it, apologize, and then find out what the answer is so I'm never wrong about that again. I have a very, very hard time being comfortable with not understanding and not caring whether I do or not. As such, my immediate reaction, when confronted with these innumerable behavioral and conversational "codes," is the desire to sit down and...decode!
This sucks for me for a few reasons. First and foremost, it endangers many of my relationships right off the bat. What girl wants to date a guy who a) moves slower than cold molasses because he wants to "understand" things, b) actually attempts to sit down and interpret her feelings, and c) eventually snuffs out any mystery in the relationship because he already knows what she's thinking?! Not many, that's how many. Secondly, if I'm caught off guard, and someone that I think I've "decoded" suddenly gets a new code I've never seen before, it throws me for a loop. I don't know how to react. And since I've never developed the ability to "guess" like every other human, I run away. It takes a really kind person to follow me and figure out what's up after that.
Codes are a part of life. I enjoy figuring them out, usually. But sometimes, they become a very dangerous thing. I hope I can learn how to deal with them better, before I accidentally misread something, get skittish, and/or lose someone important.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Letting Go
It's almost 5 in the morning.
I'm sitting in bed, my stomach churning, because I just saw an old "friend's" website...
This is a guy I haven't spoken to for months.
But I checked up on him, because I was curious.
Why was I curious?
I know I'm not the only person to whom this applies. I know many a victim of heartbreak or harm that still gets hung up on what coulda/shoulda/woulda happened, if only. If only.... Very dangerous words, those two. But common. Regret is a rather vague, paradoxical something. I know sooo many people who say they never have regrets, they choose to live in the moment, etc.
Am I the only one who thinks that's silly?
Regret, like everything else in life, requires balance. It's present to help us learn; too much will poison us. It'd be great not to have regrets...except that I'd never improve or be motivated to change.
I digress.
Anyway, whether they regret past actions or not (in this case, most assuredly not), I can name several people off the top of my head who can't let go of something or someone. Always it's a presence that has proven to be harmful in significant ways. Yet we latch on and wish for the benefits, while trying not to remember the consequences.
It's maddening!
Logically (and this is ironic, considering a conversation I had mere hours ago), I know exactly what I should do and why. And, in all likelihood, I will do that thing. But the infuriating part is that I feel so conflicted and mixed up about it.
What am I supposed to do when I can see things clearly, but the clarity brings no peace?
I'm sitting in bed, my stomach churning, because I just saw an old "friend's" website...
This is a guy I haven't spoken to for months.
But I checked up on him, because I was curious.
Why was I curious?
I know I'm not the only person to whom this applies. I know many a victim of heartbreak or harm that still gets hung up on what coulda/shoulda/woulda happened, if only. If only.... Very dangerous words, those two. But common. Regret is a rather vague, paradoxical something. I know sooo many people who say they never have regrets, they choose to live in the moment, etc.
Am I the only one who thinks that's silly?
Regret, like everything else in life, requires balance. It's present to help us learn; too much will poison us. It'd be great not to have regrets...except that I'd never improve or be motivated to change.
I digress.
Anyway, whether they regret past actions or not (in this case, most assuredly not), I can name several people off the top of my head who can't let go of something or someone. Always it's a presence that has proven to be harmful in significant ways. Yet we latch on and wish for the benefits, while trying not to remember the consequences.
It's maddening!
Logically (and this is ironic, considering a conversation I had mere hours ago), I know exactly what I should do and why. And, in all likelihood, I will do that thing. But the infuriating part is that I feel so conflicted and mixed up about it.
What am I supposed to do when I can see things clearly, but the clarity brings no peace?
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Clarity
So, I've realized something a little disconcerting about myself as a person:
I tend to believe the best in people, so much so that I forget all about or explain away the bad stuff in them. This has gotten me into trouble in the past, as clearly evidenced by earlier entries in this blog! :-P
Ergo, I think I'm going to write down some of the things that I often fail to fully recognize, things that make me feel bad when done to me, or things that I can't handle, or whatever you want to label them as.
I'm sure, by the way, for those that hate me who randomly see this entry, that I'm guilty of some of these things myself. But when I am, I feel sure that it's either unconscious, or something that I absolutely despise in myself as well as in others. I'm at least that much of a non-hypocrite.
I hate lies. Don't lie to me. If you don't want to tell me something, that's FINE, but don't tell me a lie.
I hate feeling ignored. If I talk to you all the time, it's because I enjoy you and your conversation and your company. If you don't like mine, please don't pretend to like it but "accidentally" fail to respond a lot. If you DO like interacting with me...then DO. Stop blowing me off. Even just taking the time to explain why you can't or didn't answer is fine. Just don't completely ignore me!
To (ironically) quote La Cage aux Folles: "I am what I am." When I tell you who and what I am, for heavens sake, don't try to convince me I'm something else. It's insensitive and rude and, sorry to say it, stupid. I'm 26. I know I'm no Aristotle, but I'm a fairly sharp man, and on top of that, I'm almost unhealthily introspective. I know who I am. If that changes, I promise I'll figure it out without you. Trust me. Trust my acknowledgment of my fortes and my failings, and stop challenging that. Heaven knows, I'm challenging enough as it is.
If you are the type of person who mocks (or even "gently teases") me for the rules that I follow, but you break your own rules all the time, don't be surprised if I really don't like that about you. I find it cowardly and dishonest. If nothing else, make up rules for yourself that are consistent with your behavior. But stop being a hypocrite.
If you're fake, it might take me a long time to see through you. But when I do, I will most likely stop talking to you, and what interaction we do have will become just as fake on my part. Insincere positivity/intimacy/affection is creepy and weird. If you can't be sincere, don't do it.
If a person craves attention, I'll probably offer some. But if you become a leech, I will detach you. By force, if necessary. I hate when it's necessary.
Any form of using another person sucks. For whatever reason. I will dislike it if you do it. And guess what? I'LL TELL YOU SO. I'll probably try to be as nice as possible about it, but I'll say it, if we're friends. Oh, and by the way, manipulation counts as using someone.
Last, but not least, I actually have a belief system, and I actually believe it, and I actually think that it generally applies to human beings. I won't ever try to enforce it or expect anyone else to do it (unless they've said they will), but I'll probably try to convince you not to go against it, as I believe that it'll make you unhappy. So when I say I don't like it when you drink, or smoke pot, or sleep around, or whatever, it's not because I think you're a bad person. It's because I think it could turn you into a worse person. So stop thinking I'm judgmental, when what I want is for you to be happy.
I think that pretty much covers it! Other than these things I can deal with about anything. Contrary to the general feeling of this post, I deeply love most of my friends, and they're great people. But now that I've written this list down, I have something with which to recognize the people I don't need in my life. Hopefully it will be useful!
I tend to believe the best in people, so much so that I forget all about or explain away the bad stuff in them. This has gotten me into trouble in the past, as clearly evidenced by earlier entries in this blog! :-P
Ergo, I think I'm going to write down some of the things that I often fail to fully recognize, things that make me feel bad when done to me, or things that I can't handle, or whatever you want to label them as.
I'm sure, by the way, for those that hate me who randomly see this entry, that I'm guilty of some of these things myself. But when I am, I feel sure that it's either unconscious, or something that I absolutely despise in myself as well as in others. I'm at least that much of a non-hypocrite.
I hate lies. Don't lie to me. If you don't want to tell me something, that's FINE, but don't tell me a lie.
I hate feeling ignored. If I talk to you all the time, it's because I enjoy you and your conversation and your company. If you don't like mine, please don't pretend to like it but "accidentally" fail to respond a lot. If you DO like interacting with me...then DO. Stop blowing me off. Even just taking the time to explain why you can't or didn't answer is fine. Just don't completely ignore me!
To (ironically) quote La Cage aux Folles: "I am what I am." When I tell you who and what I am, for heavens sake, don't try to convince me I'm something else. It's insensitive and rude and, sorry to say it, stupid. I'm 26. I know I'm no Aristotle, but I'm a fairly sharp man, and on top of that, I'm almost unhealthily introspective. I know who I am. If that changes, I promise I'll figure it out without you. Trust me. Trust my acknowledgment of my fortes and my failings, and stop challenging that. Heaven knows, I'm challenging enough as it is.
If you are the type of person who mocks (or even "gently teases") me for the rules that I follow, but you break your own rules all the time, don't be surprised if I really don't like that about you. I find it cowardly and dishonest. If nothing else, make up rules for yourself that are consistent with your behavior. But stop being a hypocrite.
If you're fake, it might take me a long time to see through you. But when I do, I will most likely stop talking to you, and what interaction we do have will become just as fake on my part. Insincere positivity/intimacy/affection is creepy and weird. If you can't be sincere, don't do it.
If a person craves attention, I'll probably offer some. But if you become a leech, I will detach you. By force, if necessary. I hate when it's necessary.
Any form of using another person sucks. For whatever reason. I will dislike it if you do it. And guess what? I'LL TELL YOU SO. I'll probably try to be as nice as possible about it, but I'll say it, if we're friends. Oh, and by the way, manipulation counts as using someone.
Last, but not least, I actually have a belief system, and I actually believe it, and I actually think that it generally applies to human beings. I won't ever try to enforce it or expect anyone else to do it (unless they've said they will), but I'll probably try to convince you not to go against it, as I believe that it'll make you unhappy. So when I say I don't like it when you drink, or smoke pot, or sleep around, or whatever, it's not because I think you're a bad person. It's because I think it could turn you into a worse person. So stop thinking I'm judgmental, when what I want is for you to be happy.
I think that pretty much covers it! Other than these things I can deal with about anything. Contrary to the general feeling of this post, I deeply love most of my friends, and they're great people. But now that I've written this list down, I have something with which to recognize the people I don't need in my life. Hopefully it will be useful!
Monday, June 21, 2010
Coveting?
I wonder if it's innate, a part of human nature, or if it's something that gets attached via nature or nurture to only a few specific human beings: the desire for what we can't have. If this can really be called coveting then I suppose every person experiences it at some point. There's a Commandment about it, after all. But for me, and for certain people I know and care deeply about, wanting what we can't have seems to be a chronic condition.
I kind of wonder if I'm really that covetous though. I don't want something just because another person has it. It isn't a matter of competition for me. It's a matter of personal fulfillment, or even validation, I suppose. Is it foolish of me to feel that I deserve some of the most important things I want in my life - a wife, a family, true friendships, joy and satisfaction in my work, for example? I have hints of some of these things, but somehow, I always either manage to screw them up, or whiff through them, like a ghost, clutching on, trying to take hold, but slipping past like I wasn't even there.
My life seems to be going through an extensive period of "fulfillment Ping Pong" - that is, over the course of a year, or a month, or a week, or even, often, within a day, I go from experiences that are fulfilling and satisfying, to experiences that depress or discourage me, times of emptiness and pessimistic speculation. At these times I can't help but wonder about whether all my relationships will fizzle; if all my work will be for nothing; the possibility that I will continue, unnoticed and taken advantage of, until I despair.
In other words, it may be envious or jealous or covetous of me to say, but....do I ever get a chance to be mostly happy all the time?
I kind of wonder if I'm really that covetous though. I don't want something just because another person has it. It isn't a matter of competition for me. It's a matter of personal fulfillment, or even validation, I suppose. Is it foolish of me to feel that I deserve some of the most important things I want in my life - a wife, a family, true friendships, joy and satisfaction in my work, for example? I have hints of some of these things, but somehow, I always either manage to screw them up, or whiff through them, like a ghost, clutching on, trying to take hold, but slipping past like I wasn't even there.
My life seems to be going through an extensive period of "fulfillment Ping Pong" - that is, over the course of a year, or a month, or a week, or even, often, within a day, I go from experiences that are fulfilling and satisfying, to experiences that depress or discourage me, times of emptiness and pessimistic speculation. At these times I can't help but wonder about whether all my relationships will fizzle; if all my work will be for nothing; the possibility that I will continue, unnoticed and taken advantage of, until I despair.
In other words, it may be envious or jealous or covetous of me to say, but....do I ever get a chance to be mostly happy all the time?
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Moving On
"I chose, and my world was shaken - so what? The choice may have been mistaken; the choosing was not. You have to move on. Look at what you want, not at where you are. Not at where you'll be." - Stephen Sondheim, Sunday in the Park With George
What changes my life has undergone in recent weeks. I've lost a former friend and regained significant sanity as a result. I've clarified several relationships: rebuilt trust with some, and lost it with others. I've rediscovered that although I want to be best friends with the whole world, I usually only need one person. I've also experienced success in the face of failure's shadow.
Most people that know me - at least from what I can gather - know only half of me. They know rumor and gossip, or they know what they see of me in class or onstage. Or they may even know what I say, how I define myself. But only a very few know my strengths and my weaknesses, my whole, present story. Only a few care. Only a few dare to take a chance on me. Whether they are rewarded for that risk or not, you would have to ask them. But the important thing is that when all is said and done, they're on my side. They are the few who refuse to talk about me behind my back. Who understand my decisions, good or bad. And who help me to move on.
In this time of transition - from one semester to another, one program to another, and one house to another - I'm a bit lost. Nobody really cares about me in the house I'm currently in. They're polite, but I know none of them really like me. And that's...half a hurt. I genuinely liked everyone here at some point. But we fought and grew apart over my mistakes or theirs. And forgiveness isn't really a thing that they go for, it seems. But oh well. The transitions that I'm making also include one group of friends to another, I suppose.
So, I'm trying to ignore where I am now, and look forward. It may be the largest overall change that I've undergone in about 7 years. Quite frankly, I'm a bit terrified. But I know - with those few who actually care - that I can DO IT.
What changes my life has undergone in recent weeks. I've lost a former friend and regained significant sanity as a result. I've clarified several relationships: rebuilt trust with some, and lost it with others. I've rediscovered that although I want to be best friends with the whole world, I usually only need one person. I've also experienced success in the face of failure's shadow.
Most people that know me - at least from what I can gather - know only half of me. They know rumor and gossip, or they know what they see of me in class or onstage. Or they may even know what I say, how I define myself. But only a very few know my strengths and my weaknesses, my whole, present story. Only a few care. Only a few dare to take a chance on me. Whether they are rewarded for that risk or not, you would have to ask them. But the important thing is that when all is said and done, they're on my side. They are the few who refuse to talk about me behind my back. Who understand my decisions, good or bad. And who help me to move on.
In this time of transition - from one semester to another, one program to another, and one house to another - I'm a bit lost. Nobody really cares about me in the house I'm currently in. They're polite, but I know none of them really like me. And that's...half a hurt. I genuinely liked everyone here at some point. But we fought and grew apart over my mistakes or theirs. And forgiveness isn't really a thing that they go for, it seems. But oh well. The transitions that I'm making also include one group of friends to another, I suppose.
So, I'm trying to ignore where I am now, and look forward. It may be the largest overall change that I've undergone in about 7 years. Quite frankly, I'm a bit terrified. But I know - with those few who actually care - that I can DO IT.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Paradoxes
So, if you decide to read this, just be prepared. I may have your head spinning by the end.
Sometimes being the "bad" guy is the best thing you can do. There's a person in my life who I care deeply about, who refuses to make choices that will gain or maintain his independence. I'm not sure what the motivation is for this, maybe fear, maybe pride, I don't know. But he clings like a vise, and will not sustain himself in any significant way. This has become extremely unhealthy, for both him and me.
And so, I had to let him go. I felt (feel, still, sometimes) like a cruel, uncaring, despicable person. I know, rationally, that I'm not. But emotions, unfortunately, are very rarely rational. I had to cut him off, because he wouldn't let ME go. Had to eliminate as much of his presence from my life as possible. Doesn't that sound horrible? It is. I hate it, so, so much.
But you know something? It's the right thing. I can't justify sacrificing my own sanity to make him feel temporarily comforted...until the next humongous crisis in his daily life. I can't continue to give everything I have, and watch it be not enough. And I can't keep enabling him to manipulate, coerce, and guilt me into doing things I'm not okay with.
So, whether I'm the "bad" guy or not, I'm doing something good. It may be hurtful in the short term, but if he allows it to, it will help him immensely to learn and grow and improve. Not that I'm a poster child for perfection, by any means, but there is a line of social, mental, and emotional self-reliance that I have reached, and he hasn't. Maybe I sound judgmental or condescending. Trust me, that is not my feeling here. I want more than anything to help him - and all of my friends - but I can't do a thing if he is unable to utilize that.
It's frustrating. Beyond belief. But I'm doing the right thing. I think.
Sometimes being the "bad" guy is the best thing you can do. There's a person in my life who I care deeply about, who refuses to make choices that will gain or maintain his independence. I'm not sure what the motivation is for this, maybe fear, maybe pride, I don't know. But he clings like a vise, and will not sustain himself in any significant way. This has become extremely unhealthy, for both him and me.
And so, I had to let him go. I felt (feel, still, sometimes) like a cruel, uncaring, despicable person. I know, rationally, that I'm not. But emotions, unfortunately, are very rarely rational. I had to cut him off, because he wouldn't let ME go. Had to eliminate as much of his presence from my life as possible. Doesn't that sound horrible? It is. I hate it, so, so much.
But you know something? It's the right thing. I can't justify sacrificing my own sanity to make him feel temporarily comforted...until the next humongous crisis in his daily life. I can't continue to give everything I have, and watch it be not enough. And I can't keep enabling him to manipulate, coerce, and guilt me into doing things I'm not okay with.
So, whether I'm the "bad" guy or not, I'm doing something good. It may be hurtful in the short term, but if he allows it to, it will help him immensely to learn and grow and improve. Not that I'm a poster child for perfection, by any means, but there is a line of social, mental, and emotional self-reliance that I have reached, and he hasn't. Maybe I sound judgmental or condescending. Trust me, that is not my feeling here. I want more than anything to help him - and all of my friends - but I can't do a thing if he is unable to utilize that.
It's frustrating. Beyond belief. But I'm doing the right thing. I think.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Solo Nel Buio
I love Italian. It can communicate so much without giving anything away, if that makes sense.
What is the point of doing my best? People only hate me for it. It seems to be useless to try to do one's "best" unless one's best is perfection, for otherwise one's mistakes make everybody else view one as superior, hypocritical, and judgmental for even attempting to be good amidst one's failings.
How have insecurity and entitlement become such prevalent aspects of my generation? We are the luckiest, the richest, the longest-lived generation in the second half (at least) of the history of the world; and yet we waste our lives on pride, cruelty, backbiting, scorn, isolationism, pessimism, and problem-oriented thinking. They think of life in terms of scarcity. Almost everyone is out for themselves, just hoping to steal a little happiness, because if anyone else gets any, that somehow means there's less for the rest.
RIDICULOUS!
I am doing my best, and the rest of the world can go suck an egg. If the crafty and manipulative among us decide to take advantage of me for that, so be it. If those who are ashamed of their own lives choose to look at me with contempt for not living up to my own ideals, so be it. If there are those who cannot bow their heads occasionally and acknowledge their own fallibility, their own imperfection, their own need for brotherhood in this struggle of human existence, so be it.
I will not succumb to the crushing weight of mass-induced apathy.
I am strong. I choose to care. I choose to risk my heart to help as many as I can, and gain lasting and immeasurable benefits in return. If that risk results in the occasional heartbreak or betrayal, I will hurt...and then I will heal. And then I will risk again.
I will love. I will love everyone. Unfortunately, guess what? Sometimes that means disapproval. Love, even unconditional love, does NOT mean mindless agreement or being a doormat. In fact, just the opposite: if I think you are wrong, and you are going to hurt yourself, so help me, I will tell you. Feel free to disregard that, but it is built in to me. My love for my fellow wo/men dictates that I at least try.
I will respect each person's individual journey, and my care for them will not stop, but sometimes, if I am being dragged down, my association with those persons WILL stop. I will not sacrifice myself for someone who has decided they are their own lost cause.
And finally, I will hope. I'll hope for a day in the future when all my flaws and failings are stacked next to the good I intended, and actually accomplished. I will hope that when all is known, those who chose to hate will see that I bore them no ill will, and they will forgive the lesser parts of me.
Back into battle, and to communicate - to those who will listen - what the pure power of love and beauty can be.
What is the point of doing my best? People only hate me for it. It seems to be useless to try to do one's "best" unless one's best is perfection, for otherwise one's mistakes make everybody else view one as superior, hypocritical, and judgmental for even attempting to be good amidst one's failings.
How have insecurity and entitlement become such prevalent aspects of my generation? We are the luckiest, the richest, the longest-lived generation in the second half (at least) of the history of the world; and yet we waste our lives on pride, cruelty, backbiting, scorn, isolationism, pessimism, and problem-oriented thinking. They think of life in terms of scarcity. Almost everyone is out for themselves, just hoping to steal a little happiness, because if anyone else gets any, that somehow means there's less for the rest.
RIDICULOUS!
I am doing my best, and the rest of the world can go suck an egg. If the crafty and manipulative among us decide to take advantage of me for that, so be it. If those who are ashamed of their own lives choose to look at me with contempt for not living up to my own ideals, so be it. If there are those who cannot bow their heads occasionally and acknowledge their own fallibility, their own imperfection, their own need for brotherhood in this struggle of human existence, so be it.
I will not succumb to the crushing weight of mass-induced apathy.
I am strong. I choose to care. I choose to risk my heart to help as many as I can, and gain lasting and immeasurable benefits in return. If that risk results in the occasional heartbreak or betrayal, I will hurt...and then I will heal. And then I will risk again.
I will love. I will love everyone. Unfortunately, guess what? Sometimes that means disapproval. Love, even unconditional love, does NOT mean mindless agreement or being a doormat. In fact, just the opposite: if I think you are wrong, and you are going to hurt yourself, so help me, I will tell you. Feel free to disregard that, but it is built in to me. My love for my fellow wo/men dictates that I at least try.
I will respect each person's individual journey, and my care for them will not stop, but sometimes, if I am being dragged down, my association with those persons WILL stop. I will not sacrifice myself for someone who has decided they are their own lost cause.
And finally, I will hope. I'll hope for a day in the future when all my flaws and failings are stacked next to the good I intended, and actually accomplished. I will hope that when all is known, those who chose to hate will see that I bore them no ill will, and they will forgive the lesser parts of me.
Back into battle, and to communicate - to those who will listen - what the pure power of love and beauty can be.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
La Luce
Yikes. No update since October, eh? Better change that.
Life is a swirling vortex of tasks at the moment, most of which I am not sufficiently prepared for. I have too much to think about, and no time in which to actually think about it. I'm tearing along by the seat of pants, so to speak.
But the thing is...it's pretty good. I am very stressed, and finding the right balance of all my responsibilities is definitely a challenge, but...despite my frustrations, I'm pretty happy.
Isn't that, if you'll pardon the cliche, what life is about? Cultivating long-standing friendships, and planting the seeds of new ones. Planning for the future while living in the present. Being so busy you have no chance to be bored. Making mistakes, and then refusing to dwell on them. I like it.
My life is anything but ideal sometimes, and hopefully in a few more years it will take an upswing into delivering some of the dreams I've had for so long. But at the moment, there are a million twinkling lights in the darkness, and the soft brilliance of dawn is approaching. I can feel it. And that light is exactly what I'm waiting for.
Life is a swirling vortex of tasks at the moment, most of which I am not sufficiently prepared for. I have too much to think about, and no time in which to actually think about it. I'm tearing along by the seat of pants, so to speak.
But the thing is...it's pretty good. I am very stressed, and finding the right balance of all my responsibilities is definitely a challenge, but...despite my frustrations, I'm pretty happy.
Isn't that, if you'll pardon the cliche, what life is about? Cultivating long-standing friendships, and planting the seeds of new ones. Planning for the future while living in the present. Being so busy you have no chance to be bored. Making mistakes, and then refusing to dwell on them. I like it.
My life is anything but ideal sometimes, and hopefully in a few more years it will take an upswing into delivering some of the dreams I've had for so long. But at the moment, there are a million twinkling lights in the darkness, and the soft brilliance of dawn is approaching. I can feel it. And that light is exactly what I'm waiting for.
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