Possibility of Serenity

The past few weeks I've started to learn a few things.

One of them is that, as much as I want to, I can't control - or even influence - anyone, if they don't want it. And sometimes even if they do want it. And that's okay. I am often so consumed with the need to make people happy, that I make them angry or sad. Ironic eh? But I think it makes sense. Happiness is an intensely personal thing. It can't depend on or originate from another person. It has to be internal, and from God.

Another thing I've learned is that failure is okay. Failure is what we learn from, and we should expect failure, and accept failure. Always strive for success of course, but if things don't turn out like we want them to, it's nothing to be disappointed in. It's part of the process of our lives. Which leads to...

The third thing I've learned is that I need to try to be process-oriented more than product-oriented. In other words, I need to loosen up, balance my life, and enjoy the ride. If I spend my whole life worrying about what will happen at the end of it, nothing will happen in the middle of it...AND nothing will happen at the end! I must appreciate the journey, or I will never be satisfied with the destination.

Finally, I've learned that words can hurt. I can hurt others with my words, and I can be hurt by the words of others. This is a power that I don't like. Words that hurt aren't necessarily true - in fact I think that the truth, if it's really The Truth, by its very nature, builds us up instead of tearing us down - but words can be used for things other than the truth, and often those words can damage feelings and destroy relationships. So, I've determined that I want to let words have less effect on me. I will not provide fuel for any fires, and I will treat people better than they deserve. Hopefully that can stem the flow of hurtful words.

I realize that no one lesson or collection of lessons will take away all struggles in my life. But I have some faith that each lesson I learn will ease those struggles a little, or enable me to deal with them in a healthier way. And that my personal growth will continue.

Feeling like the bad guy...

Okay. Why is it when I see or learn of my friends doing something that I find distasteful or wrong, I feel like a terrible person? When I watch my friends get ridiculously drunk, to the point of doing idiotic, embarrassing things; or when I learn of the latest surrender to the impulse of two of my single friends to have sex with each other, why do I feel like the villain?

Granted, I make mistakes. Sometimes, when they are friends I trust not to do such things, I get upset at what I perceive to be a betrayal. Anger, bitterness, and jealousy have influenced me to make plenty of horrible choices in my own life. I understand intimately the desire to act on instinct, to abandon restraint, to "loosen up."

So, when my friends do these things, actions that most of society accepts without question, I should fall into the same mold, right? Live and let live, boys will be boys, etc., etc. Except I don't believe that crap. It's platitudinal nonsense. Humanity is inherently good, in my opinion, but society is consistently keen to take the path of least resistance. The problem is, without resistance, I can't build strength of any kind, physical or mental. I believe we should resist temptations rather than catering to them.

As a result of this abnormal conviction, I feel distinctly uncomfortable at parties where my friends are drunk; I don't feel confident or okay supporting my friends in actions I find offensive or morally wrong. I still smile, make an appearance, love my friends...but their choices are sometimes reprehensible to my mind and body.

So why do I always feel like I'm horrible for not wanting what they want?

Relief

Things are getting better. The first week of school has come and gone, and things are looking up. My show is almost over, I may be starting another one (or two) tomorrow, and my friendships have taken an upswing. Thank goodness!! This is going to be a killer semester, I can already tell, what with five million things all happening at once. But as today is the start of September, I am rebooting my life as a whole, and surfing the crest of these positive events. I know it isn't permanent, but hopefully I can "gird my loins" for rough times that may be ahead. I also LOVE meeting new people, which of course I've been doing all week, what with the overload of new freshmen. I hope they stick around!

School

I'm excited to start my (first) senior year of college on Monday. That's pretty much it. I've had a roller-coaster of a summer, what with friends taking me up and down (mostly down), and being completely, totally, utterly unproductive. I have wasted an entire summer vomiting emotions on behalf of other people, and I feel in desperate need of some mental/spiritual/emotional nourishment, which is exactly what school provides, believe it or not. I have wonderful classes, and I'm ready to work on myself again. I don't know how I'll handle it if my friends betray me again, but if they do, at least I'll have plenty to distract me!

Catch-22

It seems like I'm always at odds with my friends. I am, by nature, a helper, which sometimes translates into me being nosy, or controlling, or interfering. I'm also a really smart person, which makes it hard for me to keep my opinion to myself. As a result, my friends sometimes don't like me, when my opinion about how best to help them conflicts with what they want. What is the best way to solve this problem? No idea. I'm generally all right at backing off, and honoring a person's journey. But two things are working against me in the cases in point: first, I truly care about these friends, and whether they end up happy, and the choices they are making are harmful to themselves and to me: I hurt when they screw up. The second thing is that one of them has asked for my help. I'm doing my best to be available without being bossy; it doesn't always work, and we've had our fights, but I'm doing the best I can. But the hard thing is when he is either persuaded by my other friend to give in, or he decides personally to take advantage of my trust, and "protect" me by withholding his feelings. I've tried to communicate to them that this doesn't work, but it persists. What do I do? I cannot abandon my friends, but neither can I support the destructive things they are doing. Which side of the fence must I land on?