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All right. If you're still here, the first thing
Writing this out is pretty terrifying, and I immediately want to squeeze my eyes shut and just pretend that no one is going to freak out about this. It's 2018, right? But no... I imagine that for many people, this is going to be Big News. So, if I could ask your indulgence, before you text or Snap or call your besties to let them know all the juicy details, please read this all the way through. I wrote this because of my desire to be real and complete and truthful, not because it's anybody else's business. 😁
The second thing I want you to know is that this was a big ol' surprise for me. If you knew me in college, you probably suspected/speculated/talked behind my back about my sexuality. Boy was that fun. Over and over, I would tell people, no, I'm not gay, I haven't ever had any romantic interest in another man. Some of my friends believed me, or at least pretended they did. Many people didn't, and for whatever reason they felt it was their duty to discuss that with as many other people as they could. It was a discouraging environment to live in, and if you backtrack through the posts on this blog, I've written plenty about how I wished my friends would allow me to define myself. It rarely seemed like they did. And one of the biggest reasons why I don't want to be writing this right now is because of the smug expressions on the faces of those "friends" - "I knew it, that liar." You may or may not believe this, dear reader, but I wasn't lying. I really, honestly, have done my best to be authentic and true to myself over the years, keeping an open mind and an open heart, to speak the truth as I see it, and to mind my own business. I tried hard to do all of those things because of the numerous times that I had absolutely screwed up at doing those things, and ended up hurting people I cared about. So, if you feel any inclination to trust me, please know that this was not something I was hiding. Nick is the first man I've ever felt romantic feelings for, and he happens to return them. Denying that would be truly dishonest. I've known I was attracted to women since I was 12 years old, but every time I've tried to feel that way for a guy (before now), it hasn't been there. This time, it is. Simple (and complicated) as that.
The interesting thing is that I know I'll have lots of support. I'm not worried about that. I'm worried about my students and their parents. I'm worried I'll lose their trust and friendship. I'm worried they will transfer out of my classes or drop my shows, or that they will be afraid to be vulnerable around me. I'm worried that my family will feel awkward or sad around me. I'm worried that people I care about will feel I'm "lost." I'm praying, really hard, that those things won't happen.
Speaking of which, yeah, I'm still praying. Those who know me nowadays know that, while I may not be the best Mormon in the land, I'm sincere about my beliefs. I really, honestly believe in a God who is exactly like the perfect version of my Dad, who knows all of us and sees the best in us, who warns and protects and helps us, who encourages us to grow and be uncomfortable and trust our fellow humans. I believe in a logical, reasonable, faithful search for truth, that relies on science and spirituality, fact and feeling, in equal measure. I believe in agency and intelligence, in God-given gifts, and in a Father and Mother who have planned for the eternal happiness of all of us, based on who we are and what we truly want. I believe this life is a sandbox, a lab test, not a Scantron test. A place designed to strengthen and reveal the truth about who we are, not a stopwatched measurement of how many "right" answers we know. There's more to it, of course, but at its core, I believe we're here to learn how to listen to and love each other.
I hope people will respect our privacy. If you have any questions beyond the scope of this post, please feel free to send me a message, I'd love to answer them. But also, please don't gossip about Nick and me. We're doing our best to live normally. I work in a field where gossip of that nature can be really harmful to my career, especially in Utah. I hope nobody will want to destroy that. I don't know where this will go in the long-term, but if I didn't think it would make me happy, I wouldn't be doing it! We're prepared to face opposition and anger, but I'll cross my fingers that we won't need to.
💙
