Paradoxes

So, if you decide to read this, just be prepared. I may have your head spinning by the end.

Sometimes being the "bad" guy is the best thing you can do. There's a person in my life who I care deeply about, who refuses to make choices that will gain or maintain his independence. I'm not sure what the motivation is for this, maybe fear, maybe pride, I don't know. But he clings like a vise, and will not sustain himself in any significant way. This has become extremely unhealthy, for both him and me.

And so, I had to let him go. I felt (feel, still, sometimes) like a cruel, uncaring, despicable person. I know, rationally, that I'm not. But emotions, unfortunately, are very rarely rational. I had to cut him off, because he wouldn't let ME go. Had to eliminate as much of his presence from my life as possible. Doesn't that sound horrible? It is. I hate it, so, so much.

But you know something? It's the right thing. I can't justify sacrificing my own sanity to make him feel temporarily comforted...until the next humongous crisis in his daily life. I can't continue to give everything I have, and watch it be not enough. And I can't keep enabling him to manipulate, coerce, and guilt me into doing things I'm not okay with.

So, whether I'm the "bad" guy or not, I'm doing something good. It may be hurtful in the short term, but if he allows it to, it will help him immensely to learn and grow and improve. Not that I'm a poster child for perfection, by any means, but there is a line of social, mental, and emotional self-reliance that I have reached, and he hasn't. Maybe I sound judgmental or condescending. Trust me, that is not my feeling here. I want more than anything to help him - and all of my friends - but I can't do a thing if he is unable to utilize that.

It's frustrating. Beyond belief. But I'm doing the right thing. I think.

Solo Nel Buio

I love Italian. It can communicate so much without giving anything away, if that makes sense.

What is the point of doing my best? People only hate me for it. It seems to be useless to try to do one's "best" unless one's best is perfection, for otherwise one's mistakes make everybody else view one as superior, hypocritical, and judgmental for even attempting to be good amidst one's failings.

How have insecurity and entitlement become such prevalent aspects of my generation? We are the luckiest, the richest, the longest-lived generation in the second half (at least) of the history of the world; and yet we waste our lives on pride, cruelty, backbiting, scorn, isolationism, pessimism, and problem-oriented thinking. They think of life in terms of scarcity. Almost everyone is out for themselves, just hoping to steal a little happiness, because if anyone else gets any, that somehow means there's less for the rest.

RIDICULOUS!

I am doing my best, and the rest of the world can go suck an egg. If the crafty and manipulative among us decide to take advantage of me for that, so be it. If those who are ashamed of their own lives choose to look at me with contempt for not living up to my own ideals, so be it. If there are those who cannot bow their heads occasionally and acknowledge their own fallibility, their own imperfection, their own need for brotherhood in this struggle of human existence, so be it.

I will not succumb to the crushing weight of mass-induced apathy.

I am strong. I choose to care. I choose to risk my heart to help as many as I can, and gain lasting and immeasurable benefits in return. If that risk results in the occasional heartbreak or betrayal, I will hurt...and then I will heal. And then I will risk again.

I will love. I will love everyone. Unfortunately, guess what? Sometimes that means disapproval. Love, even unconditional love, does NOT mean mindless agreement or being a doormat. In fact, just the opposite: if I think you are wrong, and you are going to hurt yourself, so help me, I will tell you. Feel free to disregard that, but it is built in to me. My love for my fellow wo/men dictates that I at least try.

I will respect each person's individual journey, and my care for them will not stop, but sometimes, if I am being dragged down, my association with those persons WILL stop. I will not sacrifice myself for someone who has decided they are their own lost cause.

And finally, I will hope. I'll hope for a day in the future when all my flaws and failings are stacked next to the good I intended, and actually accomplished. I will hope that when all is known, those who chose to hate will see that I bore them no ill will, and they will forgive the lesser parts of me.
Back into battle, and to communicate - to those who will listen - what the pure power of love and beauty can be.