Paradoxes

So, if you decide to read this, just be prepared. I may have your head spinning by the end.

Sometimes being the "bad" guy is the best thing you can do. There's a person in my life who I care deeply about, who refuses to make choices that will gain or maintain his independence. I'm not sure what the motivation is for this, maybe fear, maybe pride, I don't know. But he clings like a vise, and will not sustain himself in any significant way. This has become extremely unhealthy, for both him and me.

And so, I had to let him go. I felt (feel, still, sometimes) like a cruel, uncaring, despicable person. I know, rationally, that I'm not. But emotions, unfortunately, are very rarely rational. I had to cut him off, because he wouldn't let ME go. Had to eliminate as much of his presence from my life as possible. Doesn't that sound horrible? It is. I hate it, so, so much.

But you know something? It's the right thing. I can't justify sacrificing my own sanity to make him feel temporarily comforted...until the next humongous crisis in his daily life. I can't continue to give everything I have, and watch it be not enough. And I can't keep enabling him to manipulate, coerce, and guilt me into doing things I'm not okay with.

So, whether I'm the "bad" guy or not, I'm doing something good. It may be hurtful in the short term, but if he allows it to, it will help him immensely to learn and grow and improve. Not that I'm a poster child for perfection, by any means, but there is a line of social, mental, and emotional self-reliance that I have reached, and he hasn't. Maybe I sound judgmental or condescending. Trust me, that is not my feeling here. I want more than anything to help him - and all of my friends - but I can't do a thing if he is unable to utilize that.

It's frustrating. Beyond belief. But I'm doing the right thing. I think.

La Luce

Yikes. No update since October, eh? Better change that.

Life is a swirling vortex of tasks at the moment, most of which I am not sufficiently prepared for. I have too much to think about, and no time in which to actually think about it. I'm tearing along by the seat of pants, so to speak.

But the thing is...it's pretty good. I am very stressed, and finding the right balance of all my responsibilities is definitely a challenge, but...despite my frustrations, I'm pretty happy.

Isn't that, if you'll pardon the cliche, what life is about? Cultivating long-standing friendships, and planting the seeds of new ones. Planning for the future while living in the present. Being so busy you have no chance to be bored. Making mistakes, and then refusing to dwell on them. I like it.

My life is anything but ideal sometimes, and hopefully in a few more years it will take an upswing into delivering some of the dreams I've had for so long. But at the moment, there are a million twinkling lights in the darkness, and the soft brilliance of dawn is approaching. I can feel it. And that light is exactly what I'm waiting for.