Changing Worlds

I'm getting older. A lot of people who know me laugh and roll their eyes when I say that, and to an extent I join them. I'm only 26, and realistically I have a long time to live, barring anything tragic (knock on wood). But I've surpassed my childhood and my teenage years, moved out of my family's house, graduated high school, and soon college, and begun to embark on my career path. After this April - even if, in the future, I change employers, or move to different cities at some point, or land a fantastic position somewhere - the rest of my life will be pretty much the same routine: sleep, work at something I mostly enjoy, interact with the people I enjoy spending time with, rinse, repeat. The only things that could conceivably change the course of my life's "flavor" would be marriage and kids.

So, with this concept in mind, for the last year or so I've been getting more or less used to that idea. It's a roller coaster sometimes, and occasionally I get caught up in the intricacies and ridiculousness of the mini-universe that is a college theatre department. Wisdom is pretty thin on the ground (not that I necessarily have any either), and people's judgment is almost always some mix of impaired, influenced, invisible, or idiotic. But a few people are able to break through the skin of petty gossip and popularity contests, and make me grateful for this time in my life.

I'm more and more distant from those starting this journey, and sometimes it's hard for me to be less connected. But it's also good. Some of the kids starting in my department are...well, to put it bluntly, they're dumb. They have no idea what they're getting into as they experiment with alcohol and sex and other things. A large (teacher) part of me wants to help them figure it out and prevent them from screwing up their lives too much. But the fact that I'm getting older (full circle!) means that they think I'm stupid, or boring, or condescending, or whatever. Or just old. Which normally would be a crisis of self-esteem for me...but it's less and less so. It's almost not worth it to develop a friendship that will likely only last a year. Or less. Unless, of course, they want to. Then I'm all for it. But I'm not going to waste effort.

To some of my readers (wow, that sounds pretentious lol), that might seem cold, or uncompassionate. But just know that I DID try. Unfortunately, people continually prove that they aren't really all that different from the ones that came before - most of them anyway. They cycle once again through the same patterns of assumptions and snap judgments and shallow stupidities. Only a few escape from that. Those are the ones I admire and cherish.

So, as my world changes slowly, and I prepare for the world that it coming, I reminisce and reflect on what I leave behind. It's bittersweet. But the sweet overcomes the bitter. I look forward to a new life, where I can start fresh, and bring in only the influences that I desire. It'll probably be less ideal than I imagine (how sad, on some levels, to have lost my idealism and my naivete), but it'll still be a world in which I have more control of my fate. And that, I hope, will be worth all the years it's taken to get there.

Judgments

I was going to make this a Facebook status, but I decided I couldn't say everything I wanted to in just one sentence. Plus I wanted to avoid a long, drawn-out battle between those of different ideologies.

There's been a serious build-up of emotions for so many people over the last few days and weeks. Many suicides of gay teenagers. Today, a reaffirmation by one of my religious leaders of a doctrine that my Church has held firmly to for as long as it's existed. For me, personally, some people, who should theoretically be more tolerant and more accepting, proving once again that they don't respect me at all. And another friendship hurt by lies. I feel ready to boil over.

Another challenge thrown my way. Well, I'm not gonna succumb world. Nobody ever reckons on me being as tenacious as I am. They figure I'll give in with enough pressure. Sometimes I'm afraid of the same thing. But not today.

To everyone who cares about me (or at least cares enough to read this): I love you. I know they're just words, and I know I'm not always (or ever) perfect at showing it. I set a high standard for myself, and I miss hitting it all the time. Not to be judgmental, but so do you. I'm okay with that. Please be okay with me. I love all my true friends, and I would do anything for them. Except sacrifice my honor. I stand for what I believe in, and I will not be swayed. Maybe one day I'll stand alone. I'm prepared for that. It's not fun, but I've had plenty of experience being around those who hate what I am, what I stand for, who I've chosen to be. If you can't love me until I change, or you're choosing to love me in a misguided expectation that you can make me change, that's not love. Sorry to break it to you. If you love me because you think I'm a pretty good person, thank you. I'm trying my best every day.

This is not a coherent post. There are no philosophical "zingers" or deep thoughts to contemplate. I'm just saying what i feel. Some people think I'm a robot, that I don't feel anything. Little do they know. I have emotions so deep and vibrant and consuming that they may never feel the like. My logic channels those emotions. My choices harness them. My destiny grows out of them.

Don't ever think you know me enough to sum me up, or judge me, or categorize me, or define me. You don't. Let me say it again: You don't, and you can't. If you want, you can get close. But the closer you get, the more I turn into a real boy, with all the intricacies and contradictions and strengths and weaknesses. If you can't handle that, stay away.

And for those who can? Thank you for being you.