Sunday, October 3, 2010


I was going to make this a Facebook status, but I decided I couldn't say everything I wanted to in just one sentence. Plus I wanted to avoid a long, drawn-out battle between those of different ideologies.

There's been a serious build-up of emotions for so many people over the last few days and weeks. Many suicides of gay teenagers. Today, a reaffirmation by one of my religious leaders of a doctrine that my Church has held firmly to for as long as it's existed. For me, personally, some people, who should theoretically be more tolerant and more accepting, proving once again that they don't respect me at all. And another friendship hurt by lies. I feel ready to boil over.

Another challenge thrown my way. Well, I'm not gonna succumb world. Nobody ever reckons on me being as tenacious as I am. They figure I'll give in with enough pressure. Sometimes I'm afraid of the same thing. But not today.

To everyone who cares about me (or at least cares enough to read this): I love you. I know they're just words, and I know I'm not always (or ever) perfect at showing it. I set a high standard for myself, and I miss hitting it all the time. Not to be judgmental, but so do you. I'm okay with that. Please be okay with me. I love all my true friends, and I would do anything for them. Except sacrifice my honor. I stand for what I believe in, and I will not be swayed. Maybe one day I'll stand alone. I'm prepared for that. It's not fun, but I've had plenty of experience being around those who hate what I am, what I stand for, who I've chosen to be. If you can't love me until I change, or you're choosing to love me in a misguided expectation that you can make me change, that's not love. Sorry to break it to you. If you love me because you think I'm a pretty good person, thank you. I'm trying my best every day.

This is not a coherent post. There are no philosophical "zingers" or deep thoughts to contemplate. I'm just saying what i feel. Some people think I'm a robot, that I don't feel anything. Little do they know. I have emotions so deep and vibrant and consuming that they may never feel the like. My logic channels those emotions. My choices harness them. My destiny grows out of them.

Don't ever think you know me enough to sum me up, or judge me, or categorize me, or define me. You don't. Let me say it again: You don't, and you can't. If you want, you can get close. But the closer you get, the more I turn into a real boy, with all the intricacies and contradictions and strengths and weaknesses. If you can't handle that, stay away.

And for those who can? Thank you for being you.

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