Persistence of Division

Sometimes I can't wrap my head around my emotions.

"Well," I hear you thinking, "isn't that sort of the point? Emotions are supposed to be elusive and enigmatic. They're the foil to logic. Stop trying to analyze!!" That's true, I suppose. But here's where I'm coming from:

Every once in a while, I see a post or a picture, or hear a song, or smell an aroma, which forcibly reminds me of a person or people that were once part of my life, and are now gone. Right now, my life is wonderful. Truly. The first few pages of this new chapter have been filled with challenges, yes, as well as some amazing rewards. I love teaching. I love (and hate) the constant exertion and exhaustion and performance. It's fantastic, a dream come true. So..... why do I miss those people who are indifferent at the least, and hostile at the worst?

I think it's because I feel like my mistakes have put me on a "team." Those who know my mistakes and understand, as well as the greater number of those who just don't know about those mistakes, are often on "my team." Those who know my mistakes and hate me for them, as well as the greater number of their friends who simply like those people more than they like me, are on "their team." And I'm not allowed to interact. Whether out of embarrassment, or anger, or grief, or respect, or whatever, I simply don't feel like I would be welcome remaining friends with any of "their team." And they certainly don't go out of their way to be my friend, either. But somehow, I still wish that I could fix things, cure things, erase my failures.... and get back these people that I inexplicably still care about. Don't know why.

The ache comes and goes. I try my best to be a good person. Sometimes it backfires; I've tried hard to learn lessons from those experiences, and change myself. And yet, those feelings remain, and I don't know why. It's just one of those twinges of regret, late at night. I hope those will diminish as the years go by.

Image?

Two posts in a month is kind of rare for me, but two posts within two weeks? I'm turning into a regular. Watch out.

I'm wondering right now what it is about me that suggests to people that I'm either stuck up, a loner, judgmental, or shy. I am, in fact, none of those things. I don't think I'm better than anybody else - self-confidence has been a struggle for me since it was hammered out of me during middle school. I enjoy my own company, but I'm not a loner - I much prefer meaningful time with my friends and family most of the time. I've lived life for long enough - and made enough mistakes - that I try never to judge other people or make assumptions about them, because I know how it feels when other jerks do it to me. And I'm not shy; despite my frequent lack of self-confidence, I'm not afraid to approach or talk to people, or to perform (duh), or to voice my opinion.

So why do I come across as those things?

Or maybe I'm completely wrong, and I don't seem like that...but why then does my peer group so often seem to avoid/ignore me? Even in groups that I'm completely friendly with, I end up on the side, or in the back, and I often find myself asking "What are you guys talking about?" just so that I know what's going on. Basically, I rarely get included. It's a little depressing.

Wow, whiny post. Maybe I should just buck up and get over it. I probably will. But if whiny, self-indulgent musings aren't what a blog is for, then I don't know what is. Goodbye for now!

Speaking in Code

Ever felt like other people were talking in a way that just wasn't understandable?

I mean, you can understand them, they're using all the right words, you just have the sneaking suspicion that there's a meaning somewhere that you're missing. Like they're using a code.

I bet you have.

As a matter of fact, most people complain about it all the time. It's the primary grounds for miscommunications between the sexes. It's the reason why half the time we don't do our homework right, or fail to get it in on time. It's the explanation for most of the tension between parents and kids.

"They just don't make any sense!"

Well, actually they do. Just not to everyone else. I had an experience like that today. I was having a conversation with my friend, and we suddenly, silently, subtly slipped into a coded conversation. I knew the content wasn't mean-spirited or hostile, but for some reason I was speaking a different language than my friend. It took me a while to realize this, but when I did, I came to understand a couple of other significant things about myself.

Most humans hear codes, and guess. Think about it: how many guys or girls would have girl/boyfriends if they didn't just say to themselves, "Ya know, I have no clue what s/he means by that, but gosh, s/he's cute, so I'll just pretend I do, and it'll all work out"? Relationships would be few and far between. They might be more successful, too, on average, but there sure wouldn't be as many.

Not too many people have the patience to sit down and decode. A lot of that has to do, I think, with the fact that in order to decipher another person's code, you need the other person. Plus they have to be willing. Plus they have to have enough of a basic level of articulation about themselves and their own thoughts and feelings that they can even decipher their own code. Plus you have to have both of those things as well. Plus you both have to like each other, and be lucky along with the rest of it.

Unfortunately, I have to understand the codes.

It's one of my chief insecurities: knowledge is power. If I don't know, and it's important to me, I will find out, eventually. If I'm wrong, I'll admit it, apologize, and then find out what the answer is so I'm never wrong about that again. I have a very, very hard time being comfortable with not understanding and not caring whether I do or not. As such, my immediate reaction, when confronted with these innumerable behavioral and conversational "codes," is the desire to sit down and...decode!

This sucks for me for a few reasons. First and foremost, it endangers many of my relationships right off the bat. What girl wants to date a guy who a) moves slower than cold molasses because he wants to "understand" things, b) actually attempts to sit down and interpret her feelings, and c) eventually snuffs out any mystery in the relationship because he already knows what she's thinking?! Not many, that's how many. Secondly, if I'm caught off guard, and someone that I think I've "decoded" suddenly gets a new code I've never seen before, it throws me for a loop. I don't know how to react. And since I've never developed the ability to "guess" like every other human, I run away. It takes a really kind person to follow me and figure out what's up after that.

Codes are a part of life. I enjoy figuring them out, usually. But sometimes, they become a very dangerous thing. I hope I can learn how to deal with them better, before I accidentally misread something, get skittish, and/or lose someone important.

Letting Go

It's almost 5 in the morning.
I'm sitting in bed, my stomach churning, because I just saw an old "friend's" website...
This is a guy I haven't spoken to for months.
But I checked up on him, because I was curious.
Why was I curious?
I know I'm not the only person to whom this applies. I know many a victim of heartbreak or harm that still gets hung up on what coulda/shoulda/woulda happened, if only. If only.... Very dangerous words, those two. But common. Regret is a rather vague, paradoxical something. I know sooo many people who say they never have regrets, they choose to live in the moment, etc.
Am I the only one who thinks that's silly?
Regret, like everything else in life, requires balance. It's present to help us learn; too much will poison us. It'd be great not to have regrets...except that I'd never improve or be motivated to change.
I digress.
Anyway, whether they regret past actions or not (in this case, most assuredly not), I can name several people off the top of my head who can't let go of something or someone. Always it's a presence that has proven to be harmful in significant ways. Yet we latch on and wish for the benefits, while trying not to remember the consequences.
It's maddening!
Logically (and this is ironic, considering a conversation I had mere hours ago), I know exactly what I should do and why. And, in all likelihood, I will do that thing. But the infuriating part is that I feel so conflicted and mixed up about it.
What am I supposed to do when I can see things clearly, but the clarity brings no peace?

Coveting?

I wonder if it's innate, a part of human nature, or if it's something that gets attached via nature or nurture to only a few specific human beings: the desire for what we can't have. If this can really be called coveting then I suppose every person experiences it at some point. There's a Commandment about it, after all. But for me, and for certain people I know and care deeply about, wanting what we can't have seems to be a chronic condition.

I kind of wonder if I'm really that covetous though. I don't want something just because another person has it. It isn't a matter of competition for me. It's a matter of personal fulfillment, or even validation, I suppose. Is it foolish of me to feel that I deserve some of the most important things I want in my life - a wife, a family, true friendships, joy and satisfaction in my work, for example? I have hints of some of these things, but somehow, I always either manage to screw them up, or whiff through them, like a ghost, clutching on, trying to take hold, but slipping past like I wasn't even there.

My life seems to be going through an extensive period of "fulfillment Ping Pong" - that is, over the course of a year, or a month, or a week, or even, often, within a day, I go from experiences that are fulfilling and satisfying, to experiences that depress or discourage me, times of emptiness and pessimistic speculation. At these times I can't help but wonder about whether all my relationships will fizzle; if all my work will be for nothing; the possibility that I will continue, unnoticed and taken advantage of, until I despair.

In other words, it may be envious or jealous or covetous of me to say, but....do I ever get a chance to be mostly happy all the time?

Catch-22

It seems like I'm always at odds with my friends. I am, by nature, a helper, which sometimes translates into me being nosy, or controlling, or interfering. I'm also a really smart person, which makes it hard for me to keep my opinion to myself. As a result, my friends sometimes don't like me, when my opinion about how best to help them conflicts with what they want. What is the best way to solve this problem? No idea. I'm generally all right at backing off, and honoring a person's journey. But two things are working against me in the cases in point: first, I truly care about these friends, and whether they end up happy, and the choices they are making are harmful to themselves and to me: I hurt when they screw up. The second thing is that one of them has asked for my help. I'm doing my best to be available without being bossy; it doesn't always work, and we've had our fights, but I'm doing the best I can. But the hard thing is when he is either persuaded by my other friend to give in, or he decides personally to take advantage of my trust, and "protect" me by withholding his feelings. I've tried to communicate to them that this doesn't work, but it persists. What do I do? I cannot abandon my friends, but neither can I support the destructive things they are doing. Which side of the fence must I land on?