Monday, June 21, 2010


I wonder if it's innate, a part of human nature, or if it's something that gets attached via nature or nurture to only a few specific human beings: the desire for what we can't have. If this can really be called coveting then I suppose every person experiences it at some point. There's a Commandment about it, after all. But for me, and for certain people I know and care deeply about, wanting what we can't have seems to be a chronic condition.

I kind of wonder if I'm really that covetous though. I don't want something just because another person has it. It isn't a matter of competition for me. It's a matter of personal fulfillment, or even validation, I suppose. Is it foolish of me to feel that I deserve some of the most important things I want in my life - a wife, a family, true friendships, joy and satisfaction in my work, for example? I have hints of some of these things, but somehow, I always either manage to screw them up, or whiff through them, like a ghost, clutching on, trying to take hold, but slipping past like I wasn't even there.

My life seems to be going through an extensive period of "fulfillment Ping Pong" - that is, over the course of a year, or a month, or a week, or even, often, within a day, I go from experiences that are fulfilling and satisfying, to experiences that depress or discourage me, times of emptiness and pessimistic speculation. At these times I can't help but wonder about whether all my relationships will fizzle; if all my work will be for nothing; the possibility that I will continue, unnoticed and taken advantage of, until I despair.

In other words, it may be envious or jealous or covetous of me to say, I ever get a chance to be mostly happy all the time?


maren nazera said...

This is great, Cam (: if you ever need to talk, just let me know. I definitely owe you one. Or three hundred. You do deserve to be happy. You just haven't found a way to make it happen yet. Love ya.

Sheena and Darren Boekweg said...

I think you can have everything you want and still not be happy.
The only way to be happy is to be satisfied with where you are. Now that doesn't mean you can't be ambitious, or dream, or have goals.
It's just an act of being grateful for what you do have; your health, your talent, your opportunities.
Because every choice you make means a path not taken, but you have to live on the path you are on.

Anyway, that may or may not make sense, but the gist of it is "bloom where you are planted."

You may not be in a garden, but that doesn't mean you are not a flower.

Okay, again I'm not quite making sense.

Be happy, you deserve happiness.