Hmmm...

It's sort of interesting to be in the midst of a phase of quasi-depression, but to be able to analyze it fairly objectively (or, at least, to think it's fairly objectively). I've come to some realizations that, most likely, I've realized before and then forgotten, and will realize again until I stop being stupid and it finally sinks in for good. Which will probably be when I'm about 72.

First of all, I'm so used to being *not content* that it's pretty much unnoticeable. Which is kind of awful.

Second of all, whenever the above fact hits me, I recognize that I'm not actually used to it at all, and instead I am in a state of gentle grieving almost constantly.

Third of all, very, very, very few things pull me out of this: actually, physically being on stage acting is one of them. Backstage...occasionally, but not with any sort of regularity. Usually backstage is just a slightly more pleasant version of the attention-seeking popularity contest that makes up the majority of my social observations. Which I'm sure I would be totally fine with if I was the popular one with all the attention....
The only other thing I can think of at the moment that pulls me out of my funk is being needed.
Don't know why. Don't know what the relative health level of that particular personality trait is. But I like being needed, more than I like being wanted. I don't think I really know what being loved is like, outside of family (and even then...), so who knows about that prioritization yet. But unfortunately, I'm not really needed much anymore either. My closest friends like me, but they don't need me. Not anymore.

Fourth of all, I really need to re-examine/recommit to the spiritual aspects of my life, which have been severely lacking lately.

Fifth of all, despite feeling a significant amount of ridiculousness at typing all of this down, it's definitely helped me process, as usual, more than I anticipated.

Sixth of all, if you happen to have read through this far....I don't know if you now know anything new or different about me than you knew before, but hopefully at least you understand why I haven't been as chipper as I normally am...if, of course, you have any sort of quality contact with me. Which you likely don't. Which I don't blame anybody for.....except I kinda do. Which is selfish. Yaaaay for circles of guilt.

Seventh of all, I can't decide how exactly to be happy for somebody's happiness in the present while mourning for the near-inevitable miseries of their chosen future. I don't pretend to know what's going to happen, but I can make a fair guess in most cases (as has been borne out in the past), and I hate watching people grow to be miserable. Oh well.

Last of all (for now), despite my loneliness and frustration at the sense of abandonment I always come back to, I am thoroughly, deeply, honestly grateful for the hard lessons I've had to learn, and the sweet rewards and emotions that come with sharing the deepest, truest parts of myself in telling a story, especially onstage or through music. Nothing is purer than that to me.

Image?

Two posts in a month is kind of rare for me, but two posts within two weeks? I'm turning into a regular. Watch out.

I'm wondering right now what it is about me that suggests to people that I'm either stuck up, a loner, judgmental, or shy. I am, in fact, none of those things. I don't think I'm better than anybody else - self-confidence has been a struggle for me since it was hammered out of me during middle school. I enjoy my own company, but I'm not a loner - I much prefer meaningful time with my friends and family most of the time. I've lived life for long enough - and made enough mistakes - that I try never to judge other people or make assumptions about them, because I know how it feels when other jerks do it to me. And I'm not shy; despite my frequent lack of self-confidence, I'm not afraid to approach or talk to people, or to perform (duh), or to voice my opinion.

So why do I come across as those things?

Or maybe I'm completely wrong, and I don't seem like that...but why then does my peer group so often seem to avoid/ignore me? Even in groups that I'm completely friendly with, I end up on the side, or in the back, and I often find myself asking "What are you guys talking about?" just so that I know what's going on. Basically, I rarely get included. It's a little depressing.

Wow, whiny post. Maybe I should just buck up and get over it. I probably will. But if whiny, self-indulgent musings aren't what a blog is for, then I don't know what is. Goodbye for now!