Letting Go

It's almost 5 in the morning.
I'm sitting in bed, my stomach churning, because I just saw an old "friend's" website...
This is a guy I haven't spoken to for months.
But I checked up on him, because I was curious.
Why was I curious?
I know I'm not the only person to whom this applies. I know many a victim of heartbreak or harm that still gets hung up on what coulda/shoulda/woulda happened, if only. If only.... Very dangerous words, those two. But common. Regret is a rather vague, paradoxical something. I know sooo many people who say they never have regrets, they choose to live in the moment, etc.
Am I the only one who thinks that's silly?
Regret, like everything else in life, requires balance. It's present to help us learn; too much will poison us. It'd be great not to have regrets...except that I'd never improve or be motivated to change.
I digress.
Anyway, whether they regret past actions or not (in this case, most assuredly not), I can name several people off the top of my head who can't let go of something or someone. Always it's a presence that has proven to be harmful in significant ways. Yet we latch on and wish for the benefits, while trying not to remember the consequences.
It's maddening!
Logically (and this is ironic, considering a conversation I had mere hours ago), I know exactly what I should do and why. And, in all likelihood, I will do that thing. But the infuriating part is that I feel so conflicted and mixed up about it.
What am I supposed to do when I can see things clearly, but the clarity brings no peace?

Clarity

So, I've realized something a little disconcerting about myself as a person:
I tend to believe the best in people, so much so that I forget all about or explain away the bad stuff in them. This has gotten me into trouble in the past, as clearly evidenced by earlier entries in this blog! :-P
Ergo, I think I'm going to write down some of the things that I often fail to fully recognize, things that make me feel bad when done to me, or things that I can't handle, or whatever you want to label them as.
I'm sure, by the way, for those that hate me who randomly see this entry, that I'm guilty of some of these things myself. But when I am, I feel sure that it's either unconscious, or something that I absolutely despise in myself as well as in others. I'm at least that much of a non-hypocrite.
I hate lies. Don't lie to me. If you don't want to tell me something, that's FINE, but don't tell me a lie.
I hate feeling ignored. If I talk to you all the time, it's because I enjoy you and your conversation and your company. If you don't like mine, please don't pretend to like it but "accidentally" fail to respond a lot. If you DO like interacting with me...then DO. Stop blowing me off. Even just taking the time to explain why you can't or didn't answer is fine. Just don't completely ignore me!
To (ironically) quote La Cage aux Folles: "I am what I am." When I tell you who and what I am, for heavens sake, don't try to convince me I'm something else. It's insensitive and rude and, sorry to say it, stupid. I'm 26. I know I'm no Aristotle, but I'm a fairly sharp man, and on top of that, I'm almost unhealthily introspective. I know who I am. If that changes, I promise I'll figure it out without you. Trust me. Trust my acknowledgment of my fortes and my failings, and stop challenging that. Heaven knows, I'm challenging enough as it is.
If you are the type of person who mocks (or even "gently teases") me for the rules that I follow, but you break your own rules all the time, don't be surprised if I really don't like that about you. I find it cowardly and dishonest. If nothing else, make up rules for yourself that are consistent with your behavior. But stop being a hypocrite.
If you're fake, it might take me a long time to see through you. But when I do, I will most likely stop talking to you, and what interaction we do have will become just as fake on my part. Insincere positivity/intimacy/affection is creepy and weird. If you can't be sincere, don't do it.
If a person craves attention, I'll probably offer some. But if you become a leech, I will detach you. By force, if necessary. I hate when it's necessary.
Any form of using another person sucks. For whatever reason. I will dislike it if you do it. And guess what? I'LL TELL YOU SO. I'll probably try to be as nice as possible about it, but I'll say it, if we're friends. Oh, and by the way, manipulation counts as using someone.
Last, but not least, I actually have a belief system, and I actually believe it, and I actually think that it generally applies to human beings. I won't ever try to enforce it or expect anyone else to do it (unless they've said they will), but I'll probably try to convince you not to go against it, as I believe that it'll make you unhappy. So when I say I don't like it when you drink, or smoke pot, or sleep around, or whatever, it's not because I think you're a bad person. It's because I think it could turn you into a worse person. So stop thinking I'm judgmental, when what I want is for you to be happy.
I think that pretty much covers it! Other than these things I can deal with about anything. Contrary to the general feeling of this post, I deeply love most of my friends, and they're great people. But now that I've written this list down, I have something with which to recognize the people I don't need in my life. Hopefully it will be useful!

Coveting?

I wonder if it's innate, a part of human nature, or if it's something that gets attached via nature or nurture to only a few specific human beings: the desire for what we can't have. If this can really be called coveting then I suppose every person experiences it at some point. There's a Commandment about it, after all. But for me, and for certain people I know and care deeply about, wanting what we can't have seems to be a chronic condition.

I kind of wonder if I'm really that covetous though. I don't want something just because another person has it. It isn't a matter of competition for me. It's a matter of personal fulfillment, or even validation, I suppose. Is it foolish of me to feel that I deserve some of the most important things I want in my life - a wife, a family, true friendships, joy and satisfaction in my work, for example? I have hints of some of these things, but somehow, I always either manage to screw them up, or whiff through them, like a ghost, clutching on, trying to take hold, but slipping past like I wasn't even there.

My life seems to be going through an extensive period of "fulfillment Ping Pong" - that is, over the course of a year, or a month, or a week, or even, often, within a day, I go from experiences that are fulfilling and satisfying, to experiences that depress or discourage me, times of emptiness and pessimistic speculation. At these times I can't help but wonder about whether all my relationships will fizzle; if all my work will be for nothing; the possibility that I will continue, unnoticed and taken advantage of, until I despair.

In other words, it may be envious or jealous or covetous of me to say, but....do I ever get a chance to be mostly happy all the time?

Moving On

"I chose, and my world was shaken - so what? The choice may have been mistaken; the choosing was not. You have to move on. Look at what you want, not at where you are. Not at where you'll be." - Stephen Sondheim, Sunday in the Park With George

What changes my life has undergone in recent weeks. I've lost a former friend and regained significant sanity as a result. I've clarified several relationships: rebuilt trust with some, and lost it with others. I've rediscovered that although I want to be best friends with the whole world, I usually only need one person. I've also experienced success in the face of failure's shadow.

Most people that know me - at least from what I can gather - know only half of me. They know rumor and gossip, or they know what they see of me in class or onstage. Or they may even know what I say, how I define myself. But only a very few know my strengths and my weaknesses, my whole, present story. Only a few care. Only a few dare to take a chance on me. Whether they are rewarded for that risk or not, you would have to ask them. But the important thing is that when all is said and done, they're on my side. They are the few who refuse to talk about me behind my back. Who understand my decisions, good or bad. And who help me to move on.

In this time of transition - from one semester to another, one program to another, and one house to another - I'm a bit lost. Nobody really cares about me in the house I'm currently in. They're polite, but I know none of them really like me. And that's...half a hurt. I genuinely liked everyone here at some point. But we fought and grew apart over my mistakes or theirs. And forgiveness isn't really a thing that they go for, it seems. But oh well. The transitions that I'm making also include one group of friends to another, I suppose.

So, I'm trying to ignore where I am now, and look forward. It may be the largest overall change that I've undergone in about 7 years. Quite frankly, I'm a bit terrified. But I know - with those few who actually care - that I can DO IT.

Paradoxes

So, if you decide to read this, just be prepared. I may have your head spinning by the end.

Sometimes being the "bad" guy is the best thing you can do. There's a person in my life who I care deeply about, who refuses to make choices that will gain or maintain his independence. I'm not sure what the motivation is for this, maybe fear, maybe pride, I don't know. But he clings like a vise, and will not sustain himself in any significant way. This has become extremely unhealthy, for both him and me.

And so, I had to let him go. I felt (feel, still, sometimes) like a cruel, uncaring, despicable person. I know, rationally, that I'm not. But emotions, unfortunately, are very rarely rational. I had to cut him off, because he wouldn't let ME go. Had to eliminate as much of his presence from my life as possible. Doesn't that sound horrible? It is. I hate it, so, so much.

But you know something? It's the right thing. I can't justify sacrificing my own sanity to make him feel temporarily comforted...until the next humongous crisis in his daily life. I can't continue to give everything I have, and watch it be not enough. And I can't keep enabling him to manipulate, coerce, and guilt me into doing things I'm not okay with.

So, whether I'm the "bad" guy or not, I'm doing something good. It may be hurtful in the short term, but if he allows it to, it will help him immensely to learn and grow and improve. Not that I'm a poster child for perfection, by any means, but there is a line of social, mental, and emotional self-reliance that I have reached, and he hasn't. Maybe I sound judgmental or condescending. Trust me, that is not my feeling here. I want more than anything to help him - and all of my friends - but I can't do a thing if he is unable to utilize that.

It's frustrating. Beyond belief. But I'm doing the right thing. I think.

Solo Nel Buio

I love Italian. It can communicate so much without giving anything away, if that makes sense.

What is the point of doing my best? People only hate me for it. It seems to be useless to try to do one's "best" unless one's best is perfection, for otherwise one's mistakes make everybody else view one as superior, hypocritical, and judgmental for even attempting to be good amidst one's failings.

How have insecurity and entitlement become such prevalent aspects of my generation? We are the luckiest, the richest, the longest-lived generation in the second half (at least) of the history of the world; and yet we waste our lives on pride, cruelty, backbiting, scorn, isolationism, pessimism, and problem-oriented thinking. They think of life in terms of scarcity. Almost everyone is out for themselves, just hoping to steal a little happiness, because if anyone else gets any, that somehow means there's less for the rest.

RIDICULOUS!

I am doing my best, and the rest of the world can go suck an egg. If the crafty and manipulative among us decide to take advantage of me for that, so be it. If those who are ashamed of their own lives choose to look at me with contempt for not living up to my own ideals, so be it. If there are those who cannot bow their heads occasionally and acknowledge their own fallibility, their own imperfection, their own need for brotherhood in this struggle of human existence, so be it.

I will not succumb to the crushing weight of mass-induced apathy.

I am strong. I choose to care. I choose to risk my heart to help as many as I can, and gain lasting and immeasurable benefits in return. If that risk results in the occasional heartbreak or betrayal, I will hurt...and then I will heal. And then I will risk again.

I will love. I will love everyone. Unfortunately, guess what? Sometimes that means disapproval. Love, even unconditional love, does NOT mean mindless agreement or being a doormat. In fact, just the opposite: if I think you are wrong, and you are going to hurt yourself, so help me, I will tell you. Feel free to disregard that, but it is built in to me. My love for my fellow wo/men dictates that I at least try.

I will respect each person's individual journey, and my care for them will not stop, but sometimes, if I am being dragged down, my association with those persons WILL stop. I will not sacrifice myself for someone who has decided they are their own lost cause.

And finally, I will hope. I'll hope for a day in the future when all my flaws and failings are stacked next to the good I intended, and actually accomplished. I will hope that when all is known, those who chose to hate will see that I bore them no ill will, and they will forgive the lesser parts of me.
Back into battle, and to communicate - to those who will listen - what the pure power of love and beauty can be.

La Luce

Yikes. No update since October, eh? Better change that.

Life is a swirling vortex of tasks at the moment, most of which I am not sufficiently prepared for. I have too much to think about, and no time in which to actually think about it. I'm tearing along by the seat of pants, so to speak.

But the thing is...it's pretty good. I am very stressed, and finding the right balance of all my responsibilities is definitely a challenge, but...despite my frustrations, I'm pretty happy.

Isn't that, if you'll pardon the cliche, what life is about? Cultivating long-standing friendships, and planting the seeds of new ones. Planning for the future while living in the present. Being so busy you have no chance to be bored. Making mistakes, and then refusing to dwell on them. I like it.

My life is anything but ideal sometimes, and hopefully in a few more years it will take an upswing into delivering some of the dreams I've had for so long. But at the moment, there are a million twinkling lights in the darkness, and the soft brilliance of dawn is approaching. I can feel it. And that light is exactly what I'm waiting for.

Normality

It's been a while! Started my second of three senior years of college, got cast in a show, promised myself I'd avoid all drama, and promptly broke said promise. But, amazingly, life is going well. I'm lonely. I'm frustrated at times. I'm getting slightly burned out. But life is still good. Nothing much to report, and nothing traumatic or revelatory has taken place...but I "had to write" and reinforce all the good, normal things :o)

Balancing

My blog is not very positive most of the time is it?

I think that's because "When I have to write," it's usually because something traumatic or disconcerting has happened. I don't usually feel like I have to write when everything is going well.

But right now I'm going to note quickly that this summer has been fairly good. Not as ideal as early indications predicted, but not awful either, not by a long shot. So, for now, I feel that my life is somewhat balanced out.

I'm still struggling to trust and be trusted sometimes, and to find the practical application of "hating the sin, but loving the sinner." The sinner most often being myself. But for the most part, things are okay.

That's all for now. Come what may, I suppose, and love it.

Broken Life

I am a defective human being.

Every time I try to do something right, I end up hurting people. Every time I stand up for what I believe in, I destroy relationships. When I tell the truth, I betray my friends.

On the other hand, when I lie, everyone but me is happy. If I were to back down and give in to behavior I currently find reprehensible, everyone would love me. If I surrendered to the parts of me that lust after pleasure of every kind, I'd get it, in very large doses. All of that outweighs a guilty conscience, right?

Because I have the guilty conscience anyway. No matter what I do, I'm doing something wrong. I can't get it right, and I'm sick of it.

What am I supposed to do?