"I chose, and my world was shaken - so what? The choice may have been mistaken; the choosing was not. You have to move on. Look at what you want, not at where you are. Not at where you'll be." - Stephen Sondheim, Sunday in the Park With George
What changes my life has undergone in recent weeks. I've lost a former friend and regained significant sanity as a result. I've clarified several relationships: rebuilt trust with some, and lost it with others. I've rediscovered that although I want to be best friends with the whole world, I usually only need one person. I've also experienced success in the face of failure's shadow.
Most people that know me - at least from what I can gather - know only half of me. They know rumor and gossip, or they know what they see of me in class or onstage. Or they may even know what I say, how I define myself. But only a very few know my strengths and my weaknesses, my whole, present story. Only a few care. Only a few dare to take a chance on me. Whether they are rewarded for that risk or not, you would have to ask them. But the important thing is that when all is said and done, they're on my side. They are the few who refuse to talk about me behind my back. Who understand my decisions, good or bad. And who help me to move on.
In this time of transition - from one semester to another, one program to another, and one house to another - I'm a bit lost. Nobody really cares about me in the house I'm currently in. They're polite, but I know none of them really like me. And that's...half a hurt. I genuinely liked everyone here at some point. But we fought and grew apart over my mistakes or theirs. And forgiveness isn't really a thing that they go for, it seems. But oh well. The transitions that I'm making also include one group of friends to another, I suppose.
So, I'm trying to ignore where I am now, and look forward. It may be the largest overall change that I've undergone in about 7 years. Quite frankly, I'm a bit terrified. But I know - with those few who actually care - that I can DO IT.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Paradoxes
So, if you decide to read this, just be prepared. I may have your head spinning by the end.
Sometimes being the "bad" guy is the best thing you can do. There's a person in my life who I care deeply about, who refuses to make choices that will gain or maintain his independence. I'm not sure what the motivation is for this, maybe fear, maybe pride, I don't know. But he clings like a vise, and will not sustain himself in any significant way. This has become extremely unhealthy, for both him and me.
And so, I had to let him go. I felt (feel, still, sometimes) like a cruel, uncaring, despicable person. I know, rationally, that I'm not. But emotions, unfortunately, are very rarely rational. I had to cut him off, because he wouldn't let ME go. Had to eliminate as much of his presence from my life as possible. Doesn't that sound horrible? It is. I hate it, so, so much.
But you know something? It's the right thing. I can't justify sacrificing my own sanity to make him feel temporarily comforted...until the next humongous crisis in his daily life. I can't continue to give everything I have, and watch it be not enough. And I can't keep enabling him to manipulate, coerce, and guilt me into doing things I'm not okay with.
So, whether I'm the "bad" guy or not, I'm doing something good. It may be hurtful in the short term, but if he allows it to, it will help him immensely to learn and grow and improve. Not that I'm a poster child for perfection, by any means, but there is a line of social, mental, and emotional self-reliance that I have reached, and he hasn't. Maybe I sound judgmental or condescending. Trust me, that is not my feeling here. I want more than anything to help him - and all of my friends - but I can't do a thing if he is unable to utilize that.
It's frustrating. Beyond belief. But I'm doing the right thing. I think.
Sometimes being the "bad" guy is the best thing you can do. There's a person in my life who I care deeply about, who refuses to make choices that will gain or maintain his independence. I'm not sure what the motivation is for this, maybe fear, maybe pride, I don't know. But he clings like a vise, and will not sustain himself in any significant way. This has become extremely unhealthy, for both him and me.
And so, I had to let him go. I felt (feel, still, sometimes) like a cruel, uncaring, despicable person. I know, rationally, that I'm not. But emotions, unfortunately, are very rarely rational. I had to cut him off, because he wouldn't let ME go. Had to eliminate as much of his presence from my life as possible. Doesn't that sound horrible? It is. I hate it, so, so much.
But you know something? It's the right thing. I can't justify sacrificing my own sanity to make him feel temporarily comforted...until the next humongous crisis in his daily life. I can't continue to give everything I have, and watch it be not enough. And I can't keep enabling him to manipulate, coerce, and guilt me into doing things I'm not okay with.
So, whether I'm the "bad" guy or not, I'm doing something good. It may be hurtful in the short term, but if he allows it to, it will help him immensely to learn and grow and improve. Not that I'm a poster child for perfection, by any means, but there is a line of social, mental, and emotional self-reliance that I have reached, and he hasn't. Maybe I sound judgmental or condescending. Trust me, that is not my feeling here. I want more than anything to help him - and all of my friends - but I can't do a thing if he is unable to utilize that.
It's frustrating. Beyond belief. But I'm doing the right thing. I think.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Solo Nel Buio
I love Italian. It can communicate so much without giving anything away, if that makes sense.
What is the point of doing my best? People only hate me for it. It seems to be useless to try to do one's "best" unless one's best is perfection, for otherwise one's mistakes make everybody else view one as superior, hypocritical, and judgmental for even attempting to be good amidst one's failings.
How have insecurity and entitlement become such prevalent aspects of my generation? We are the luckiest, the richest, the longest-lived generation in the second half (at least) of the history of the world; and yet we waste our lives on pride, cruelty, backbiting, scorn, isolationism, pessimism, and problem-oriented thinking. They think of life in terms of scarcity. Almost everyone is out for themselves, just hoping to steal a little happiness, because if anyone else gets any, that somehow means there's less for the rest.
RIDICULOUS!
I am doing my best, and the rest of the world can go suck an egg. If the crafty and manipulative among us decide to take advantage of me for that, so be it. If those who are ashamed of their own lives choose to look at me with contempt for not living up to my own ideals, so be it. If there are those who cannot bow their heads occasionally and acknowledge their own fallibility, their own imperfection, their own need for brotherhood in this struggle of human existence, so be it.
I will not succumb to the crushing weight of mass-induced apathy.
I am strong. I choose to care. I choose to risk my heart to help as many as I can, and gain lasting and immeasurable benefits in return. If that risk results in the occasional heartbreak or betrayal, I will hurt...and then I will heal. And then I will risk again.
I will love. I will love everyone. Unfortunately, guess what? Sometimes that means disapproval. Love, even unconditional love, does NOT mean mindless agreement or being a doormat. In fact, just the opposite: if I think you are wrong, and you are going to hurt yourself, so help me, I will tell you. Feel free to disregard that, but it is built in to me. My love for my fellow wo/men dictates that I at least try.
I will respect each person's individual journey, and my care for them will not stop, but sometimes, if I am being dragged down, my association with those persons WILL stop. I will not sacrifice myself for someone who has decided they are their own lost cause.
And finally, I will hope. I'll hope for a day in the future when all my flaws and failings are stacked next to the good I intended, and actually accomplished. I will hope that when all is known, those who chose to hate will see that I bore them no ill will, and they will forgive the lesser parts of me.
Back into battle, and to communicate - to those who will listen - what the pure power of love and beauty can be.
What is the point of doing my best? People only hate me for it. It seems to be useless to try to do one's "best" unless one's best is perfection, for otherwise one's mistakes make everybody else view one as superior, hypocritical, and judgmental for even attempting to be good amidst one's failings.
How have insecurity and entitlement become such prevalent aspects of my generation? We are the luckiest, the richest, the longest-lived generation in the second half (at least) of the history of the world; and yet we waste our lives on pride, cruelty, backbiting, scorn, isolationism, pessimism, and problem-oriented thinking. They think of life in terms of scarcity. Almost everyone is out for themselves, just hoping to steal a little happiness, because if anyone else gets any, that somehow means there's less for the rest.
RIDICULOUS!
I am doing my best, and the rest of the world can go suck an egg. If the crafty and manipulative among us decide to take advantage of me for that, so be it. If those who are ashamed of their own lives choose to look at me with contempt for not living up to my own ideals, so be it. If there are those who cannot bow their heads occasionally and acknowledge their own fallibility, their own imperfection, their own need for brotherhood in this struggle of human existence, so be it.
I will not succumb to the crushing weight of mass-induced apathy.
I am strong. I choose to care. I choose to risk my heart to help as many as I can, and gain lasting and immeasurable benefits in return. If that risk results in the occasional heartbreak or betrayal, I will hurt...and then I will heal. And then I will risk again.
I will love. I will love everyone. Unfortunately, guess what? Sometimes that means disapproval. Love, even unconditional love, does NOT mean mindless agreement or being a doormat. In fact, just the opposite: if I think you are wrong, and you are going to hurt yourself, so help me, I will tell you. Feel free to disregard that, but it is built in to me. My love for my fellow wo/men dictates that I at least try.
I will respect each person's individual journey, and my care for them will not stop, but sometimes, if I am being dragged down, my association with those persons WILL stop. I will not sacrifice myself for someone who has decided they are their own lost cause.
And finally, I will hope. I'll hope for a day in the future when all my flaws and failings are stacked next to the good I intended, and actually accomplished. I will hope that when all is known, those who chose to hate will see that I bore them no ill will, and they will forgive the lesser parts of me.
Back into battle, and to communicate - to those who will listen - what the pure power of love and beauty can be.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
La Luce
Yikes. No update since October, eh? Better change that.
Life is a swirling vortex of tasks at the moment, most of which I am not sufficiently prepared for. I have too much to think about, and no time in which to actually think about it. I'm tearing along by the seat of pants, so to speak.
But the thing is...it's pretty good. I am very stressed, and finding the right balance of all my responsibilities is definitely a challenge, but...despite my frustrations, I'm pretty happy.
Isn't that, if you'll pardon the cliche, what life is about? Cultivating long-standing friendships, and planting the seeds of new ones. Planning for the future while living in the present. Being so busy you have no chance to be bored. Making mistakes, and then refusing to dwell on them. I like it.
My life is anything but ideal sometimes, and hopefully in a few more years it will take an upswing into delivering some of the dreams I've had for so long. But at the moment, there are a million twinkling lights in the darkness, and the soft brilliance of dawn is approaching. I can feel it. And that light is exactly what I'm waiting for.
Life is a swirling vortex of tasks at the moment, most of which I am not sufficiently prepared for. I have too much to think about, and no time in which to actually think about it. I'm tearing along by the seat of pants, so to speak.
But the thing is...it's pretty good. I am very stressed, and finding the right balance of all my responsibilities is definitely a challenge, but...despite my frustrations, I'm pretty happy.
Isn't that, if you'll pardon the cliche, what life is about? Cultivating long-standing friendships, and planting the seeds of new ones. Planning for the future while living in the present. Being so busy you have no chance to be bored. Making mistakes, and then refusing to dwell on them. I like it.
My life is anything but ideal sometimes, and hopefully in a few more years it will take an upswing into delivering some of the dreams I've had for so long. But at the moment, there are a million twinkling lights in the darkness, and the soft brilliance of dawn is approaching. I can feel it. And that light is exactly what I'm waiting for.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Normality
It's been a while! Started my second of three senior years of college, got cast in a show, promised myself I'd avoid all drama, and promptly broke said promise. But, amazingly, life is going well. I'm lonely. I'm frustrated at times. I'm getting slightly burned out. But life is still good. Nothing much to report, and nothing traumatic or revelatory has taken place...but I "had to write" and reinforce all the good, normal things :o)
Monday, July 20, 2009
Balancing
My blog is not very positive most of the time is it?
I think that's because "When I have to write," it's usually because something traumatic or disconcerting has happened. I don't usually feel like I have to write when everything is going well.
But right now I'm going to note quickly that this summer has been fairly good. Not as ideal as early indications predicted, but not awful either, not by a long shot. So, for now, I feel that my life is somewhat balanced out.
I'm still struggling to trust and be trusted sometimes, and to find the practical application of "hating the sin, but loving the sinner." The sinner most often being myself. But for the most part, things are okay.
That's all for now. Come what may, I suppose, and love it.
I think that's because "When I have to write," it's usually because something traumatic or disconcerting has happened. I don't usually feel like I have to write when everything is going well.
But right now I'm going to note quickly that this summer has been fairly good. Not as ideal as early indications predicted, but not awful either, not by a long shot. So, for now, I feel that my life is somewhat balanced out.
I'm still struggling to trust and be trusted sometimes, and to find the practical application of "hating the sin, but loving the sinner." The sinner most often being myself. But for the most part, things are okay.
That's all for now. Come what may, I suppose, and love it.
Monday, January 19, 2009
Broken Life
I am a defective human being.
Every time I try to do something right, I end up hurting people. Every time I stand up for what I believe in, I destroy relationships. When I tell the truth, I betray my friends.
On the other hand, when I lie, everyone but me is happy. If I were to back down and give in to behavior I currently find reprehensible, everyone would love me. If I surrendered to the parts of me that lust after pleasure of every kind, I'd get it, in very large doses. All of that outweighs a guilty conscience, right?
Because I have the guilty conscience anyway. No matter what I do, I'm doing something wrong. I can't get it right, and I'm sick of it.
What am I supposed to do?
Every time I try to do something right, I end up hurting people. Every time I stand up for what I believe in, I destroy relationships. When I tell the truth, I betray my friends.
On the other hand, when I lie, everyone but me is happy. If I were to back down and give in to behavior I currently find reprehensible, everyone would love me. If I surrendered to the parts of me that lust after pleasure of every kind, I'd get it, in very large doses. All of that outweighs a guilty conscience, right?
Because I have the guilty conscience anyway. No matter what I do, I'm doing something wrong. I can't get it right, and I'm sick of it.
What am I supposed to do?
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Resolved
Well, it's a new year, and I'm as clichéd as the next guy. Here are some of my more interesting resolutions for the coming months.
Most importantly, impulse control in my own life. I can't focus on being a friend to others or on honing my talents or anything like that if I'm constantly giving in to temptations. So first, improve myself. That doesn't mean perfection - that's something I've learned from last year - it just means more successes than failures.
I want to work on myself physically. I don't need to lose weight or anything, but I think I could definitely benefit from simple things like drinking more water, exercising more regularly and more intensively, and having concentrated, focused relaxation time, instead of just being lazy.
The other major adjustment I feel like I need to make is to find more of a balance between standing up for what I believe in, without making others feel badly about what they choose. I'm not quite sure how to do that, but it'll be an adventure, finding out how best to accomplish that goal!
Nothing too difficult or complicated, but these are the things I'm resolved to work on.
Most importantly, impulse control in my own life. I can't focus on being a friend to others or on honing my talents or anything like that if I'm constantly giving in to temptations. So first, improve myself. That doesn't mean perfection - that's something I've learned from last year - it just means more successes than failures.
I want to work on myself physically. I don't need to lose weight or anything, but I think I could definitely benefit from simple things like drinking more water, exercising more regularly and more intensively, and having concentrated, focused relaxation time, instead of just being lazy.
The other major adjustment I feel like I need to make is to find more of a balance between standing up for what I believe in, without making others feel badly about what they choose. I'm not quite sure how to do that, but it'll be an adventure, finding out how best to accomplish that goal!
Nothing too difficult or complicated, but these are the things I'm resolved to work on.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Possibility of Serenity
The past few weeks I've started to learn a few things.
One of them is that, as much as I want to, I can't control - or even influence - anyone, if they don't want it. And sometimes even if they do want it. And that's okay. I am often so consumed with the need to make people happy, that I make them angry or sad. Ironic eh? But I think it makes sense. Happiness is an intensely personal thing. It can't depend on or originate from another person. It has to be internal, and from God.
Another thing I've learned is that failure is okay. Failure is what we learn from, and we should expect failure, and accept failure. Always strive for success of course, but if things don't turn out like we want them to, it's nothing to be disappointed in. It's part of the process of our lives. Which leads to...
The third thing I've learned is that I need to try to be process-oriented more than product-oriented. In other words, I need to loosen up, balance my life, and enjoy the ride. If I spend my whole life worrying about what will happen at the end of it, nothing will happen in the middle of it...AND nothing will happen at the end! I must appreciate the journey, or I will never be satisfied with the destination.
Finally, I've learned that words can hurt. I can hurt others with my words, and I can be hurt by the words of others. This is a power that I don't like. Words that hurt aren't necessarily true - in fact I think that the truth, if it's really The Truth, by its very nature, builds us up instead of tearing us down - but words can be used for things other than the truth, and often those words can damage feelings and destroy relationships. So, I've determined that I want to let words have less effect on me. I will not provide fuel for any fires, and I will treat people better than they deserve. Hopefully that can stem the flow of hurtful words.
I realize that no one lesson or collection of lessons will take away all struggles in my life. But I have some faith that each lesson I learn will ease those struggles a little, or enable me to deal with them in a healthier way. And that my personal growth will continue.
One of them is that, as much as I want to, I can't control - or even influence - anyone, if they don't want it. And sometimes even if they do want it. And that's okay. I am often so consumed with the need to make people happy, that I make them angry or sad. Ironic eh? But I think it makes sense. Happiness is an intensely personal thing. It can't depend on or originate from another person. It has to be internal, and from God.
Another thing I've learned is that failure is okay. Failure is what we learn from, and we should expect failure, and accept failure. Always strive for success of course, but if things don't turn out like we want them to, it's nothing to be disappointed in. It's part of the process of our lives. Which leads to...
The third thing I've learned is that I need to try to be process-oriented more than product-oriented. In other words, I need to loosen up, balance my life, and enjoy the ride. If I spend my whole life worrying about what will happen at the end of it, nothing will happen in the middle of it...AND nothing will happen at the end! I must appreciate the journey, or I will never be satisfied with the destination.
Finally, I've learned that words can hurt. I can hurt others with my words, and I can be hurt by the words of others. This is a power that I don't like. Words that hurt aren't necessarily true - in fact I think that the truth, if it's really The Truth, by its very nature, builds us up instead of tearing us down - but words can be used for things other than the truth, and often those words can damage feelings and destroy relationships. So, I've determined that I want to let words have less effect on me. I will not provide fuel for any fires, and I will treat people better than they deserve. Hopefully that can stem the flow of hurtful words.
I realize that no one lesson or collection of lessons will take away all struggles in my life. But I have some faith that each lesson I learn will ease those struggles a little, or enable me to deal with them in a healthier way. And that my personal growth will continue.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Feeling like the bad guy...
Okay. Why is it when I see or learn of my friends doing something that I find distasteful or wrong, I feel like a terrible person? When I watch my friends get ridiculously drunk, to the point of doing idiotic, embarrassing things; or when I learn of the latest surrender to the impulse of two of my single friends to have sex with each other, why do I feel like the villain?
Granted, I make mistakes. Sometimes, when they are friends I trust not to do such things, I get upset at what I perceive to be a betrayal. Anger, bitterness, and jealousy have influenced me to make plenty of horrible choices in my own life. I understand intimately the desire to act on instinct, to abandon restraint, to "loosen up."
So, when my friends do these things, actions that most of society accepts without question, I should fall into the same mold, right? Live and let live, boys will be boys, etc., etc. Except I don't believe that crap. It's platitudinal nonsense. Humanity is inherently good, in my opinion, but society is consistently keen to take the path of least resistance. The problem is, without resistance, I can't build strength of any kind, physical or mental. I believe we should resist temptations rather than catering to them.
As a result of this abnormal conviction, I feel distinctly uncomfortable at parties where my friends are drunk; I don't feel confident or okay supporting my friends in actions I find offensive or morally wrong. I still smile, make an appearance, love my friends...but their choices are sometimes reprehensible to my mind and body.
So why do I always feel like I'm horrible for not wanting what they want?
Granted, I make mistakes. Sometimes, when they are friends I trust not to do such things, I get upset at what I perceive to be a betrayal. Anger, bitterness, and jealousy have influenced me to make plenty of horrible choices in my own life. I understand intimately the desire to act on instinct, to abandon restraint, to "loosen up."
So, when my friends do these things, actions that most of society accepts without question, I should fall into the same mold, right? Live and let live, boys will be boys, etc., etc. Except I don't believe that crap. It's platitudinal nonsense. Humanity is inherently good, in my opinion, but society is consistently keen to take the path of least resistance. The problem is, without resistance, I can't build strength of any kind, physical or mental. I believe we should resist temptations rather than catering to them.
As a result of this abnormal conviction, I feel distinctly uncomfortable at parties where my friends are drunk; I don't feel confident or okay supporting my friends in actions I find offensive or morally wrong. I still smile, make an appearance, love my friends...but their choices are sometimes reprehensible to my mind and body.
So why do I always feel like I'm horrible for not wanting what they want?
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