Persistence of Division

Sometimes I can't wrap my head around my emotions.

"Well," I hear you thinking, "isn't that sort of the point? Emotions are supposed to be elusive and enigmatic. They're the foil to logic. Stop trying to analyze!!" That's true, I suppose. But here's where I'm coming from:

Every once in a while, I see a post or a picture, or hear a song, or smell an aroma, which forcibly reminds me of a person or people that were once part of my life, and are now gone. Right now, my life is wonderful. Truly. The first few pages of this new chapter have been filled with challenges, yes, as well as some amazing rewards. I love teaching. I love (and hate) the constant exertion and exhaustion and performance. It's fantastic, a dream come true. So..... why do I miss those people who are indifferent at the least, and hostile at the worst?

I think it's because I feel like my mistakes have put me on a "team." Those who know my mistakes and understand, as well as the greater number of those who just don't know about those mistakes, are often on "my team." Those who know my mistakes and hate me for them, as well as the greater number of their friends who simply like those people more than they like me, are on "their team." And I'm not allowed to interact. Whether out of embarrassment, or anger, or grief, or respect, or whatever, I simply don't feel like I would be welcome remaining friends with any of "their team." And they certainly don't go out of their way to be my friend, either. But somehow, I still wish that I could fix things, cure things, erase my failures.... and get back these people that I inexplicably still care about. Don't know why.

The ache comes and goes. I try my best to be a good person. Sometimes it backfires; I've tried hard to learn lessons from those experiences, and change myself. And yet, those feelings remain, and I don't know why. It's just one of those twinges of regret, late at night. I hope those will diminish as the years go by.

New Chapter

The Book of Me

Chapter 1: The Early Years - in which I am born, and develop my basic personality. From birth to 9 years old.

Chapter 2: The Start of Everything - in which I discover theatre, move to a new house, get my first kiss, hit adolescence, and begin making more significant mistakes than before. Ages 9 to 15.

Chapter 3: High School - in which I reclaim the confidence I had as a child, and get great opportunities, and generally do well with a lot of them. Ages 15 to 19.

Chapter 4: Transitioning - in which I learn how to serve, my mistakes come back to bite me, I mostly learn from them over a long period of time, and I go back to school. Ages 19 to 22.

Chapter 5: Education - in which I make many more mistakes, find some elusive joy in unexpected places, hone my talents, learn to be a grown-up, and discover (repeatedly) that I am not as important to most of the people I care about as they are to me. Ages 22 to 28.

Chapter 6.

A chance to start over.

A chance to be new, to have a clean slate. To reclaim the best parts of who I am, and find my love for myself, regardless of who else may feel the same. To change. So:

Uncap the pen.

Turn the page.

Here I go.

Loss and Amends

I really don't want to write tonight. In a lot of ways, I don't think I even can write... but I'm going to. So much has happened to me over the past year. I graduated from college, and I moved away from the people I've known and gotten close to over the past two, three, four, five years. And for the majority, I disappeared. Only maybe half a dozen people from my college years - some that I would never have expected - have initiated any sort of contact with me. In the last few years of school, I made some amazing friends, and lost some less-than-amazing ones. Over the past year, I lost another one. I tried for a long time to save this friendship somehow, do something to revitalize it. I failed. I don't think there was a way for me to succeed. I was replaced.

There are some things about me that makes me different than anyone else I've ever known. One of the most significant is that I commit - fully - at the simplest gesture of trust. I trust completely... which is incredibly foolish of me to do. I give everything I can give to those who ask, or even those who just need someone. Re-reading it, that sounds "noble" in some ways... but it doesn't feel noble. It feels sacrificial. It feels codependent. It feels like torture. And it sounds insane.

One of the things I think I fail to communicate is that I want just as much commitment and care. I want somebody to ask me how my day was, to want to make me happy. But since I give that to all the people I care about, that stupid part of me gets very depressed when those friends make no effort to return that care. I feel taken advantage of. I feel used. I feel betrayed. There is so much anger that I'm feeling toward those many, many people.... as well as a deep conviction that they're right, I'm not really worth their time unless they want something from me.

Balancing that out - or, at least, tipping the scales the other direction in a few ways - is a new, surprising, very strange experience for me: a girl likes me, and I like her back. She makes me feel almost good enough. When I'm with her, I don't think about the people I've hurt, or the ones who have hurt me. I want to be better. I want to make her proud of me. I'm also incredibly scared at this new-found wrinkle in my life. What if I fail again? What if the things I feel aren't real? What if......

I'm trying to put the what-ifs aside, and focus on that I-want-to-be-better feeling. I spent the late hours of last night writing messages to those I've hurt in the past or the present, apologizing for my choices. I don't expect replies, or reconciliation. I'm just trying to take small steps toward some sort of limited atonement. With my luck, it'll probably make things worse. But, I guess sometimes the thought has to count for something. We'll see. But in any case, swallowing my pride and choosing forgiveness and spending time on failed relationships is hard. I really, really hope it's worth it somehow. It won't be in the ways I want it to, but maybe it will be in the ways I need.

Determined, By Gum...

Another post! And again, I will count my many blessings if it kills me, dang it. I'm tired of feeling sad and worthless, so what better solution than finding the things that make me happy?

The sun has started shining again, and the temperature is beginning to (sporadically) climb into summer weather. This is sooooooo good!
I'm going on a third date in two days with a really beautiful girl that I like! Providing I can think of something to do....
I'm saving money! Slowly but surely. The dream of my own apartment is on the distant horizon.
My patriarchal blessing is wonderful to read.

Well....that's kind of everything at the moment. I suppose there are lots of other things that are blessings, that I'm lucky to have: my family, my health, my talents, relative comfort and ease here in America, a full-time job, etc. I'm very grateful for those things, too. So, yeah. It didn't really work, but maybe it'll kick in a bit later. Here's hopin!

Forced Perspective

Well, tonight I have quite a bit to feel sad or angry about. But you know something? I'm not going to complain about any of it. I'm tired of feeling sad and angry, and I'm tired of putting so much effort and care into people who refuse to make me a priority. So, instead, I'm going to try and write about the good things that are happening in my life, and hopefully that will make me somewhat happier.

I have a few really good friends. They have stuck with me through everything, despite mistakes, despite distance, despite differences, and it's baffling and amazing.

Directing a show at a high school over the past three months was a truly incredible experience. The whole community came to support us. Watching those kids grow and work and play and build relationships was so, so rewarding. I know that becoming a teacher was exactly the right thing for me to do.

I'm starting to save some money, slowly. This is a very good thing.

I had a wonderful, fun, delightful first date last night, and it sparked something inside me that's lain dormant for quite a few years. Also, The Hunger Games was a really good movie. I'm looking forward to a second date with this girl :-)

Somebody said hello to me today that I had no idea still knew I existed. It touched me, and I'm grateful for the select few that think to offer little comments like that every so often.

I've got a few opportunities approaching as far as performing, that could be really fun. I'm hoping something will come of them!

Kind of a lame update, I know, especially after so long a hiatus. But there it is. Maybe it will set a good tone and precedent for the rest of this year. I wish myself good luck :-)

But Nothing Stays

I truly am meant to be in a pair of careers where I become incredibly close to a group of people (colleagues, castmates, students) for a couple of months, or a season, or a year, and then we all go our separate ways. Because in my 27 years of life, I have yet to keep a best friend for longer than 3 or 4 of them. It's kind of incredible. I have one or two best friends left, but don't worry, they won't last. Life will find a way to divide us, even if I do nothing wrong. Even if I work my hardest. Even if I give all I can.

I am clearly not meant for permanence.

Hmmm...

It's sort of interesting to be in the midst of a phase of quasi-depression, but to be able to analyze it fairly objectively (or, at least, to think it's fairly objectively). I've come to some realizations that, most likely, I've realized before and then forgotten, and will realize again until I stop being stupid and it finally sinks in for good. Which will probably be when I'm about 72.

First of all, I'm so used to being *not content* that it's pretty much unnoticeable. Which is kind of awful.

Second of all, whenever the above fact hits me, I recognize that I'm not actually used to it at all, and instead I am in a state of gentle grieving almost constantly.

Third of all, very, very, very few things pull me out of this: actually, physically being on stage acting is one of them. Backstage...occasionally, but not with any sort of regularity. Usually backstage is just a slightly more pleasant version of the attention-seeking popularity contest that makes up the majority of my social observations. Which I'm sure I would be totally fine with if I was the popular one with all the attention....
The only other thing I can think of at the moment that pulls me out of my funk is being needed.
Don't know why. Don't know what the relative health level of that particular personality trait is. But I like being needed, more than I like being wanted. I don't think I really know what being loved is like, outside of family (and even then...), so who knows about that prioritization yet. But unfortunately, I'm not really needed much anymore either. My closest friends like me, but they don't need me. Not anymore.

Fourth of all, I really need to re-examine/recommit to the spiritual aspects of my life, which have been severely lacking lately.

Fifth of all, despite feeling a significant amount of ridiculousness at typing all of this down, it's definitely helped me process, as usual, more than I anticipated.

Sixth of all, if you happen to have read through this far....I don't know if you now know anything new or different about me than you knew before, but hopefully at least you understand why I haven't been as chipper as I normally am...if, of course, you have any sort of quality contact with me. Which you likely don't. Which I don't blame anybody for.....except I kinda do. Which is selfish. Yaaaay for circles of guilt.

Seventh of all, I can't decide how exactly to be happy for somebody's happiness in the present while mourning for the near-inevitable miseries of their chosen future. I don't pretend to know what's going to happen, but I can make a fair guess in most cases (as has been borne out in the past), and I hate watching people grow to be miserable. Oh well.

Last of all (for now), despite my loneliness and frustration at the sense of abandonment I always come back to, I am thoroughly, deeply, honestly grateful for the hard lessons I've had to learn, and the sweet rewards and emotions that come with sharing the deepest, truest parts of myself in telling a story, especially onstage or through music. Nothing is purer than that to me.

The Inner Workings

So, for those of you who might want a glimpse inside my psyche (a risky proposition, I know) take a look at this:

Benevolent Realist

It's basically a map of my personality. Hover your mouse over any section to see what it means, or click on the link to test yourself. If the map doesn't satisfy you, here's the summary:

You are a Benevolent Realist.

About YOU
You are a Realist

• Your attention to detail, appreciation of how things function, and awareness of the world around you make you a REALIST.
• Routines are reassuring to you—you feel safer and more at ease when sticking with familiar things.
• You like to stay close with those around you, seeking comfort from familiar faces.
• You are interested in processes—how things work, what they do, and why—not just how things look.
• Sometimes you doubt that you can find solutions to problems, although you have a good sense of why things happen, and can use that knowledge to find the best way to do something.
• You are down to earth, concerned more with practical, detail-oriented things than with dreamy or ambiguous ideas.
• You have a good sense of your abilities and weaknesses, and don't let your ego get in your way.
• You're not afraid to let your emotions guide you, and you're generally considerate of others' feelings as well.
• You prefer to have time to plan for things, feeling better with a schedule than with keeping plans up in the air until the last minute.

If you want to be different:

• Appreciate that your skill set can be useful in many ways; your attention to detail and your familiarity with the inner-workings of things are valuable assets.
• Try looking beyond the earthly qualities of things in order to expand your perspective, without losing your grounding in reality.

How you relate to OTHERS
You are Benevolent

• You are a great person to interact with—understanding, giving, and trusting—in a word, BENEVOLENT
• You don't mind being in social situations, as you feel comfortable enough with people to be yourself.
• Your caring nature goes beyond a basic concern: you take the time to understand the nuances of people's situations before passing any sort of judgment.
• You're a good listener, and even better at offering advice.
• You're concerned with others at both an individual and societal level—you sympathize with the plights of troubled groups, and you can care about people you've never met.
• Considering many different perspectives is something at which you excel, and you appreciate that quality in others.
• Other people's feelings are important to you, and you're good at mediating disputes.
• Because of your understanding and patience, you tend to bring out the best in people.

If you want to be different:

• You spend a lot of time taking care of others, but don't forget to take care of yourself!
• Sometimes you can get over-committed, and when you sacrifice spending time with those close to you, it can make them feel unimportant.

I think this is pretty fascinating, and eerily accurate. Anyway.

Master of Disguise?

I have a trait that seems to be a serious failing...but when I think about it, I really like it: I really suck at being a fake friend on any level. If I like you, I like you all the time, not just to your face, and not just in secret. I have had more than a few friends over the years that insist that I be less than myself in public when around them. That grates.

I don't do the whole "secret friend" thing. If you're going to be my friend....then be my friend, and have the guts to deal with the consequences. If not, DON'T be my friend! It will be less stressful for everyone! I like having friends, a lot. But I hate lying. I hate helping other people lie. Please don't make me do it. I understand that everyone has secrets, shameful or otherwise. I'm not asking people to hang out their dirty laundry for all to see. But if you are embarrassed or ashamed to be seen with me, around me, talking to me, hugging me, etc., then it's probably not gonna work out!

Next is a tangent (sort of), that has arisen from knowing SO MANY people who have big, big things to hide.

Dear Parents (and future parents), please hear this loud and clear: if your child does not believe that they can come to you with anything - and I mean anything, whether it's a son who is gay, a daughter who is pregnant, a child who has done drugs, a kid who's stolen something - if they don't believe that you will still love them no matter what, then you are teaching your child to lie to you. All kids lie to their parents, but hopefully the parents teach them better. This is how we fail at teaching them better! Kids should never be afraid or doubtful that their families will reject them. Before we rail against gay marriage, teen pregnancy, drugs, or anything else destroying the family, let's look at the foundation of that destruction: fear and judgment in the home! I know you are afraid your child might ruin his life; don't help him do it! LOVE HIM! Whatever mistakes she has made, her life still goes on, and can get better, if you LOVE HER! It's so so so easy! And yet it is the parents who fail to let their children know they love them, and cultivate the type of human beings that LIE to their parents about their relationships.

All we need, folks, is love. Just listen to the Beatles. Read the scriptures. Study the great men and women of history. Pay attention to the urgings of your conscience. Just love. Love. It's the solution to every problem. That's all we need.

What I Want

As I contemplate how to put what I'm feeling into words, it strikes me that what I'm planning to write about is somewhat selfish. The topic of what I want is fairly broad, but I'm not talking about career aspirations or Christmas presents, I'm talking about emotional and spiritual desires. And, hey, it's my blog. So there.

Recent weeks have been something of a roller coaster. (How odd for my life, right?) In the last two weeks or so, I made two new friends, nearly lost one due to someone else, nearly lost them both due to an innocent mistake, and am now trying to balance the tightrope of mixed signals and conflicting feelings. Once again, an unknown person or persons have taken it upon themselves to warn potential friends away from me, because, apparently, I am dangerous. This has always struck me as a bit odd - if I wanted to protect someone from another person, I'd try to confront the 'threat' first - but it seems to be a repeating theme in my life over the last couple of years. In addition, my attractiveness was recently appraised as "cute as a button"...which, while sincerely complimentary, I'm sure, is not exactly flattering to a college graduate at the age of 27. "Quirky-looking" and "sweet-faced" are other fresh descriptions of my appearance. At the same time, I've also opened a new show, been cast in another, and am getting ready to go on a trip celebrating my college graduation.

Suffice it to say, there's lots of stuff going on in my head and my heart.

With all this in mind, I'm going to attempt to put in writing some things that are difficult for me to say out loud - things that just don't come very easily when I'm speaking. It's why I've always appreciated writing as an outlet: I can craft my thoughts and feelings so that I actually mean what I'm saying. I'm going to write about what I want for myself.

- I want, first and foremost, to be the most important person in someone's life. I want love. Yeah, yeah, I hear you saying, so does everybody. Doesn't make it any less of an ache inside my soul. I don't care if it's romance or friendship. I'd take either. But I want someone who wants me back. Someone who chooses me, not settles for me. Somebody for whom I am a priority, not a backup.

- I want to reclaim the spiritual energy that I once had, as a young teenager, and later as a missionary. My connection with God seems static and safe, but not vibrant. I know He loves me. I want to feel the same conviction that He trusts me.

- I want to silence my naysayers. I have either sacrificed or been robbed of the power to confront those who treat me maliciously and challenge their hurtful actions. I am a human being, trying to do my very best from day to day. My mistakes are not more damning than anyone else's. I accept them, and deal with their consequences. But I do not deserve to be punished repeatedly for what I am trying to mend.

- I want to be confident enough in myself - my body, my talents, my convictions - that fear of judgment or scorn or condescension is banished from my life. I want to love myself enough that it doesn't take a month or a year for another person to discover the fact.

- I want the courage to let go of the people and things that make me feel inadequate. They do nothing for me but diminish who I am! And yet I fear what could happen if I burn that many bridges...I want to dispel those fears forever.

- I want the perspective to remember the good things in my life, weigh them against the bad, and when I find the good are the more numerous, to focus on my blessings. I have so many, and yet for some reason it's so much easier to remember the struggles.

- Finally, I want to be a friend, a help, a guide, a shoulder. I have experienced significant things in my quarter-century, and I know of so, so many people out there that need an ear. I do not want my lessons to belong only to me. I want to be able to share my knowledge and see it do some long-term good for once in somebody's life. Generally, my attempts at help only result in someone hating me. That's not how it's supposed to work! Fix this, universe!

What a long post. Kudos to whoever has plowed their way through it. But it's important that I define these things for myself, so I can measure my progress somehow. For all those who care...wish me luck.