Wednesday, July 27, 2011

What I Want

As I contemplate how to put what I'm feeling into words, it strikes me that what I'm planning to write about is somewhat selfish. The topic of what I want is fairly broad, but I'm not talking about career aspirations or Christmas presents, I'm talking about emotional and spiritual desires. And, hey, it's my blog. So there.

Recent weeks have been something of a roller coaster. (How odd for my life, right?) In the last two weeks or so, I made two new friends, nearly lost one due to someone else, nearly lost them both due to an innocent mistake, and am now trying to balance the tightrope of mixed signals and conflicting feelings. Once again, an unknown person or persons have taken it upon themselves to warn potential friends away from me, because, apparently, I am dangerous. This has always struck me as a bit odd - if I wanted to protect someone from another person, I'd try to confront the 'threat' first - but it seems to be a repeating theme in my life over the last couple of years. In addition, my attractiveness was recently appraised as "cute as a button"...which, while sincerely complimentary, I'm sure, is not exactly flattering to a college graduate at the age of 27. "Quirky-looking" and "sweet-faced" are other fresh descriptions of my appearance. At the same time, I've also opened a new show, been cast in another, and am getting ready to go on a trip celebrating my college graduation.

Suffice it to say, there's lots of stuff going on in my head and my heart.

With all this in mind, I'm going to attempt to put in writing some things that are difficult for me to say out loud - things that just don't come very easily when I'm speaking. It's why I've always appreciated writing as an outlet: I can craft my thoughts and feelings so that I actually mean what I'm saying. I'm going to write about what I want for myself.

- I want, first and foremost, to be the most important person in someone's life. I want love. Yeah, yeah, I hear you saying, so does everybody. Doesn't make it any less of an ache inside my soul. I don't care if it's romance or friendship. I'd take either. But I want someone who wants me back. Someone who chooses me, not settles for me. Somebody for whom I am a priority, not a backup.

- I want to reclaim the spiritual energy that I once had, as a young teenager, and later as a missionary. My connection with God seems static and safe, but not vibrant. I know He loves me. I want to feel the same conviction that He trusts me.

- I want to silence my naysayers. I have either sacrificed or been robbed of the power to confront those who treat me maliciously and challenge their hurtful actions. I am a human being, trying to do my very best from day to day. My mistakes are not more damning than anyone else's. I accept them, and deal with their consequences. But I do not deserve to be punished repeatedly for what I am trying to mend.

- I want to be confident enough in myself - my body, my talents, my convictions - that fear of judgment or scorn or condescension is banished from my life. I want to love myself enough that it doesn't take a month or a year for another person to discover the fact.

- I want the courage to let go of the people and things that make me feel inadequate. They do nothing for me but diminish who I am! And yet I fear what could happen if I burn that many bridges...I want to dispel those fears forever.

- I want the perspective to remember the good things in my life, weigh them against the bad, and when I find the good are the more numerous, to focus on my blessings. I have so many, and yet for some reason it's so much easier to remember the struggles.

- Finally, I want to be a friend, a help, a guide, a shoulder. I have experienced significant things in my quarter-century, and I know of so, so many people out there that need an ear. I do not want my lessons to belong only to me. I want to be able to share my knowledge and see it do some long-term good for once in somebody's life. Generally, my attempts at help only result in someone hating me. That's not how it's supposed to work! Fix this, universe!

What a long post. Kudos to whoever has plowed their way through it. But it's important that I define these things for myself, so I can measure my progress somehow. For all those who care...wish me luck.

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