But Nothing Stays

I truly am meant to be in a pair of careers where I become incredibly close to a group of people (colleagues, castmates, students) for a couple of months, or a season, or a year, and then we all go our separate ways. Because in my 27 years of life, I have yet to keep a best friend for longer than 3 or 4 of them. It's kind of incredible. I have one or two best friends left, but don't worry, they won't last. Life will find a way to divide us, even if I do nothing wrong. Even if I work my hardest. Even if I give all I can.

I am clearly not meant for permanence.

Hmmm...

It's sort of interesting to be in the midst of a phase of quasi-depression, but to be able to analyze it fairly objectively (or, at least, to think it's fairly objectively). I've come to some realizations that, most likely, I've realized before and then forgotten, and will realize again until I stop being stupid and it finally sinks in for good. Which will probably be when I'm about 72.

First of all, I'm so used to being *not content* that it's pretty much unnoticeable. Which is kind of awful.

Second of all, whenever the above fact hits me, I recognize that I'm not actually used to it at all, and instead I am in a state of gentle grieving almost constantly.

Third of all, very, very, very few things pull me out of this: actually, physically being on stage acting is one of them. Backstage...occasionally, but not with any sort of regularity. Usually backstage is just a slightly more pleasant version of the attention-seeking popularity contest that makes up the majority of my social observations. Which I'm sure I would be totally fine with if I was the popular one with all the attention....
The only other thing I can think of at the moment that pulls me out of my funk is being needed.
Don't know why. Don't know what the relative health level of that particular personality trait is. But I like being needed, more than I like being wanted. I don't think I really know what being loved is like, outside of family (and even then...), so who knows about that prioritization yet. But unfortunately, I'm not really needed much anymore either. My closest friends like me, but they don't need me. Not anymore.

Fourth of all, I really need to re-examine/recommit to the spiritual aspects of my life, which have been severely lacking lately.

Fifth of all, despite feeling a significant amount of ridiculousness at typing all of this down, it's definitely helped me process, as usual, more than I anticipated.

Sixth of all, if you happen to have read through this far....I don't know if you now know anything new or different about me than you knew before, but hopefully at least you understand why I haven't been as chipper as I normally am...if, of course, you have any sort of quality contact with me. Which you likely don't. Which I don't blame anybody for.....except I kinda do. Which is selfish. Yaaaay for circles of guilt.

Seventh of all, I can't decide how exactly to be happy for somebody's happiness in the present while mourning for the near-inevitable miseries of their chosen future. I don't pretend to know what's going to happen, but I can make a fair guess in most cases (as has been borne out in the past), and I hate watching people grow to be miserable. Oh well.

Last of all (for now), despite my loneliness and frustration at the sense of abandonment I always come back to, I am thoroughly, deeply, honestly grateful for the hard lessons I've had to learn, and the sweet rewards and emotions that come with sharing the deepest, truest parts of myself in telling a story, especially onstage or through music. Nothing is purer than that to me.

The Inner Workings

So, for those of you who might want a glimpse inside my psyche (a risky proposition, I know) take a look at this:

Benevolent Realist

It's basically a map of my personality. Hover your mouse over any section to see what it means, or click on the link to test yourself. If the map doesn't satisfy you, here's the summary:

You are a Benevolent Realist.

About YOU
You are a Realist

• Your attention to detail, appreciation of how things function, and awareness of the world around you make you a REALIST.
• Routines are reassuring to you—you feel safer and more at ease when sticking with familiar things.
• You like to stay close with those around you, seeking comfort from familiar faces.
• You are interested in processes—how things work, what they do, and why—not just how things look.
• Sometimes you doubt that you can find solutions to problems, although you have a good sense of why things happen, and can use that knowledge to find the best way to do something.
• You are down to earth, concerned more with practical, detail-oriented things than with dreamy or ambiguous ideas.
• You have a good sense of your abilities and weaknesses, and don't let your ego get in your way.
• You're not afraid to let your emotions guide you, and you're generally considerate of others' feelings as well.
• You prefer to have time to plan for things, feeling better with a schedule than with keeping plans up in the air until the last minute.

If you want to be different:

• Appreciate that your skill set can be useful in many ways; your attention to detail and your familiarity with the inner-workings of things are valuable assets.
• Try looking beyond the earthly qualities of things in order to expand your perspective, without losing your grounding in reality.

How you relate to OTHERS
You are Benevolent

• You are a great person to interact with—understanding, giving, and trusting—in a word, BENEVOLENT
• You don't mind being in social situations, as you feel comfortable enough with people to be yourself.
• Your caring nature goes beyond a basic concern: you take the time to understand the nuances of people's situations before passing any sort of judgment.
• You're a good listener, and even better at offering advice.
• You're concerned with others at both an individual and societal level—you sympathize with the plights of troubled groups, and you can care about people you've never met.
• Considering many different perspectives is something at which you excel, and you appreciate that quality in others.
• Other people's feelings are important to you, and you're good at mediating disputes.
• Because of your understanding and patience, you tend to bring out the best in people.

If you want to be different:

• You spend a lot of time taking care of others, but don't forget to take care of yourself!
• Sometimes you can get over-committed, and when you sacrifice spending time with those close to you, it can make them feel unimportant.

I think this is pretty fascinating, and eerily accurate. Anyway.

Master of Disguise?

I have a trait that seems to be a serious failing...but when I think about it, I really like it: I really suck at being a fake friend on any level. If I like you, I like you all the time, not just to your face, and not just in secret. I have had more than a few friends over the years that insist that I be less than myself in public when around them. That grates.

I don't do the whole "secret friend" thing. If you're going to be my friend....then be my friend, and have the guts to deal with the consequences. If not, DON'T be my friend! It will be less stressful for everyone! I like having friends, a lot. But I hate lying. I hate helping other people lie. Please don't make me do it. I understand that everyone has secrets, shameful or otherwise. I'm not asking people to hang out their dirty laundry for all to see. But if you are embarrassed or ashamed to be seen with me, around me, talking to me, hugging me, etc., then it's probably not gonna work out!

Next is a tangent (sort of), that has arisen from knowing SO MANY people who have big, big things to hide.

Dear Parents (and future parents), please hear this loud and clear: if your child does not believe that they can come to you with anything - and I mean anything, whether it's a son who is gay, a daughter who is pregnant, a child who has done drugs, a kid who's stolen something - if they don't believe that you will still love them no matter what, then you are teaching your child to lie to you. All kids lie to their parents, but hopefully the parents teach them better. This is how we fail at teaching them better! Kids should never be afraid or doubtful that their families will reject them. Before we rail against gay marriage, teen pregnancy, drugs, or anything else destroying the family, let's look at the foundation of that destruction: fear and judgment in the home! I know you are afraid your child might ruin his life; don't help him do it! LOVE HIM! Whatever mistakes she has made, her life still goes on, and can get better, if you LOVE HER! It's so so so easy! And yet it is the parents who fail to let their children know they love them, and cultivate the type of human beings that LIE to their parents about their relationships.

All we need, folks, is love. Just listen to the Beatles. Read the scriptures. Study the great men and women of history. Pay attention to the urgings of your conscience. Just love. Love. It's the solution to every problem. That's all we need.

What I Want

As I contemplate how to put what I'm feeling into words, it strikes me that what I'm planning to write about is somewhat selfish. The topic of what I want is fairly broad, but I'm not talking about career aspirations or Christmas presents, I'm talking about emotional and spiritual desires. And, hey, it's my blog. So there.

Recent weeks have been something of a roller coaster. (How odd for my life, right?) In the last two weeks or so, I made two new friends, nearly lost one due to someone else, nearly lost them both due to an innocent mistake, and am now trying to balance the tightrope of mixed signals and conflicting feelings. Once again, an unknown person or persons have taken it upon themselves to warn potential friends away from me, because, apparently, I am dangerous. This has always struck me as a bit odd - if I wanted to protect someone from another person, I'd try to confront the 'threat' first - but it seems to be a repeating theme in my life over the last couple of years. In addition, my attractiveness was recently appraised as "cute as a button"...which, while sincerely complimentary, I'm sure, is not exactly flattering to a college graduate at the age of 27. "Quirky-looking" and "sweet-faced" are other fresh descriptions of my appearance. At the same time, I've also opened a new show, been cast in another, and am getting ready to go on a trip celebrating my college graduation.

Suffice it to say, there's lots of stuff going on in my head and my heart.

With all this in mind, I'm going to attempt to put in writing some things that are difficult for me to say out loud - things that just don't come very easily when I'm speaking. It's why I've always appreciated writing as an outlet: I can craft my thoughts and feelings so that I actually mean what I'm saying. I'm going to write about what I want for myself.

- I want, first and foremost, to be the most important person in someone's life. I want love. Yeah, yeah, I hear you saying, so does everybody. Doesn't make it any less of an ache inside my soul. I don't care if it's romance or friendship. I'd take either. But I want someone who wants me back. Someone who chooses me, not settles for me. Somebody for whom I am a priority, not a backup.

- I want to reclaim the spiritual energy that I once had, as a young teenager, and later as a missionary. My connection with God seems static and safe, but not vibrant. I know He loves me. I want to feel the same conviction that He trusts me.

- I want to silence my naysayers. I have either sacrificed or been robbed of the power to confront those who treat me maliciously and challenge their hurtful actions. I am a human being, trying to do my very best from day to day. My mistakes are not more damning than anyone else's. I accept them, and deal with their consequences. But I do not deserve to be punished repeatedly for what I am trying to mend.

- I want to be confident enough in myself - my body, my talents, my convictions - that fear of judgment or scorn or condescension is banished from my life. I want to love myself enough that it doesn't take a month or a year for another person to discover the fact.

- I want the courage to let go of the people and things that make me feel inadequate. They do nothing for me but diminish who I am! And yet I fear what could happen if I burn that many bridges...I want to dispel those fears forever.

- I want the perspective to remember the good things in my life, weigh them against the bad, and when I find the good are the more numerous, to focus on my blessings. I have so many, and yet for some reason it's so much easier to remember the struggles.

- Finally, I want to be a friend, a help, a guide, a shoulder. I have experienced significant things in my quarter-century, and I know of so, so many people out there that need an ear. I do not want my lessons to belong only to me. I want to be able to share my knowledge and see it do some long-term good for once in somebody's life. Generally, my attempts at help only result in someone hating me. That's not how it's supposed to work! Fix this, universe!

What a long post. Kudos to whoever has plowed their way through it. But it's important that I define these things for myself, so I can measure my progress somehow. For all those who care...wish me luck.

Reminders...

This is all I can say.

Girls

Girls are pretty awesome. They're smart, or beautiful, or funny, or strong, or all of those things. Throughout my life I've become close friends with several of them, and I love each one of these women very dearly.

However.

I have a small (okay, not that small) gripe that I wish someone would address. I am tired of girls who hang themselves up on boys who treat them badly. A few days ago I read a brilliant (and irreverent) blog that sums up many of the characteristics of those boys, and it got my wheels turning. Sooooo many of my dearly-loved female friends have dipped their toes in these oily waters once or twice, and some keep going back again and again for yet another swim. And then they feel so hurt and betrayed and used and disappointed and depressed. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to invalidate those feelings. But, for heaven's sake, ladies, if you don't want to feel those things in a relationship, stop dating the men who make you feel that way! Decide, once and for all, to forgo looks and charm and fashion as the top qualities you look for. Unsurprisingly, the men who will find you the most precious and beautiful are the ones who will not be competing with you for the bathroom mirror. And they will also respect you, make you laugh, provide for you, and support you in your dreams. They - we - will not feel threatened by you, we will feel incredibly lucky to have you.

Clearly my motives here are less than perfectly altruistic. I've been searching for the right girl for a long time, and every time I think I might have found her, she tells me I'm "very sweet," and proceeds to date a good-looking, charming, funny jerk. I definitely feel bad for these girls. But I also get frustrated!! It's also irritating because, believe it or not, I often have beautiful, talented, intelligent women tell me what a catch I am. Unfortunately, they're always married already! They promise to "keep an eye out" for me, but what good does that do?! It just makes me confused.

In any case, I revisit my original point: girls are awesome. They might also be kinda crazy sometimes, which only goes to balance out the stupidity of the boys. And yet....I still wish I belonged to one. Someday...

Conflicting Interests

I've been experiencing some interesting feelings tonight. I went to my first real job interview today, and was promptly turned down for the job within a couple of hours. They were very gracious at the interview, and very polite in their rejection, but it still stung, of course. I was also very casually - and independently - reminded of one of the biggest failures of my life: a former friendship obliterated. Add to that the mounting pressure of piles of bills and debt, and it's safe to say I'm feeling somewhat insecure.

But that's not the interesting part; that, at least, is pretty typical emotion for a situation like the one I'm currently in, but that's just the background. The interesting thing is, in the midst of all this, I read someone else's blog - a post about change, and disillusionment, and feeling replaceable - and my first impulse was to send some sort of message of comfort. Now, this is a person with whom I am not very close. I'm not his enemy, we're on good terms, but we don't really have an actual friendship. In all likelihood, his reaction to a message from me would be something like, "Wha...?"

So, as I dissected my desire to help (or something?), I couldn't help but wonder what my motivation was. I do this sort of thing a lot - I see someone in pain, and without really thinking it through, I try to jump in and save them somehow. I'm sure psychiatrists would have a field day with that. I've made some wonderful friends that way - and I've also been burned worse than ever before that way. I like to think that I've learned from my mistakes...but have I?

I'm not sure. Maybe at this point I've been burned hard enough or often enough that it made me look before I leaped. Is that wisdom, or cynicism? Is the initial desire to help noble, or selfish? For that matter, what about any of my attitudes: is my slow acceptance that I'm pretty much always going to be single an example of giving up, or being at peace with my life? When I explain how I feel about drinking or swearing, am I being judgmental, or standing up for what I believe in?

I don't really know. I think all I can do is push forward, and keep holding on. Hopefully, one day, it'll all make sense. And when it does....I hope it will turn out that I was a good man.

Gulp

In a few days, I will be "graduating." I won't really - I still need to take one class and test out of another before they'll sign off on my degree. But I have commencement on Friday, with the caps and the gowns and the tassels and the pomp and circumstance. And, to be frank, the only things that can capture my thoughts and feelings happen to be musical theatre lyrics:

"...it's a big, bright, beautiful world..."
"...excited and scared..."
"...everybody's got the right to be happy..."
"...as we stumble along on life's funny journey..."
"...sorry-grateful, regretful-happy..."

And more. The thing is, I have two major career options ahead of me, not just one. And neither of those career options are the typical start-as-an-intern-anywhere-and-work-your-way-up variety. They are both the go-where-you-think-they-might-be-hiring-and-cross-your-fingers type. Acting and teaching are things that I love, but neither is especially secure, nor are they especially easy to break into. So not only do I have twice the number of possible paths, those each branch off into dozens more, and every road has a big cloud of London-variety fog obscuring the distant scenery. Not only that, but each of these roads has some major obstacles in the way: money, or location, or timing, or some combination of those. It's making me somewhat anxious.

However.

There are also influences in my life at the moment that are giving me what amounts to a big push out the door. I'll warn you that the next few sentences probably sound a bit whiny, so skip them if you feel unprepared to sympathize. One of these influences happens to be my "social" life at school. I freely acknowledge that I have been student teaching most of the semester, and my friends are plenty busy themselves. But am I wrong in thinking that "out of sight, out of mind" isn't really very nice? I essentially feel forgotten about, and after six years of classes and devotion to my department, that's making me sad and miffed in turns. Don't I deserve some recognition/appreciation, dag nab it?!

Okay, done. With all that said, I will miss a lot of the people I'll be leaving behind, but I'm also looking forward. Or at least trying to. I truly am thrilled at the idea of working, for real, doing what I love. And I know that this transition will not end my learning experience: I'll discover how to put my "theory" learning into practice, both onstage and off. The lessons I learned about myself while in school will be much easier to live. And the friends I have left will be real. That's kind of heartbreaking, and kind of awesome.

Life...here I come.

Dream Roles!

I was recently inspired by one of my closest friends (who posted a similar blog on this subject) to write about the roles I most want to play one day. Plus I figure my blog needs more pictures and stuff. As she says, if one is opting for an acting career, one usually has a role that one wants to play most, at least at some point. She has six. I have five...plus a bunch of "almosts."

Jack in Into the Woods


Fabrizio in The Light in the Piazza - I've already been lucky enough
to have played this role, and what an incredible experience.


J. Pierrepont Finch in
How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying


Dickon in The Secret Garden


Henrik in A Little Night Music

Those are the big 5. But I'd also love to play Toby in Sweeney Todd, Linus in You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown, Arpad in She Loves Me, Leo Frank in Parade, Charlie in The Foreigner, Hamlet, Ariel in The Tempest...the list goes on. I can usually come up with a role I'd love to play in any show I really enjoy. That's part of why I love theatre so much, I think. I don't always have to be "the lead" to have wonderful songs or fantastic acting moments. The audience gets to immerse themselves in the lives of all these fascinating characters, who are funny, or powerful, or magical, or innocent.... They get to watch a deeper, brighter, fiercer version of humanity, right before their eyes. It's kind of freakin' awesome.

p.s. For a blog written by a guy named "Actor," I feel pretty stupid that this is my first real post about my theatrical endeavors!!

Image?

Two posts in a month is kind of rare for me, but two posts within two weeks? I'm turning into a regular. Watch out.

I'm wondering right now what it is about me that suggests to people that I'm either stuck up, a loner, judgmental, or shy. I am, in fact, none of those things. I don't think I'm better than anybody else - self-confidence has been a struggle for me since it was hammered out of me during middle school. I enjoy my own company, but I'm not a loner - I much prefer meaningful time with my friends and family most of the time. I've lived life for long enough - and made enough mistakes - that I try never to judge other people or make assumptions about them, because I know how it feels when other jerks do it to me. And I'm not shy; despite my frequent lack of self-confidence, I'm not afraid to approach or talk to people, or to perform (duh), or to voice my opinion.

So why do I come across as those things?

Or maybe I'm completely wrong, and I don't seem like that...but why then does my peer group so often seem to avoid/ignore me? Even in groups that I'm completely friendly with, I end up on the side, or in the back, and I often find myself asking "What are you guys talking about?" just so that I know what's going on. Basically, I rarely get included. It's a little depressing.

Wow, whiny post. Maybe I should just buck up and get over it. I probably will. But if whiny, self-indulgent musings aren't what a blog is for, then I don't know what is. Goodbye for now!

Just Thinking...

For one of the only times in recent memory, I'm writing, not because I HAVE to write, but because I want to. I've just been thinking lately - nothing major or dramatic has been happening, I'm not struggling with relationships or decisions, I'm not on an emotional high or low - just thinking.

And what I've been thinking about is the nature of the human connection. I just turned 27 two weeks ago, and I'm almost done with college (knock on wood). However, I spend 8 hours a day around high school kids, and much of my free time around other college students who are often much younger than me. A lot of times I expect things from them that I'm once again realizing they haven't reached yet.

Don't get me wrong - I'm not saying I'm so much more mature or wise than anyone else. In many ways I'm probably pretty dumb. But I have learned a few lessons in my quarter-century, and I need to be reminded sometimes that others' paces don't match my own - they'll learn those lessons when their time is right.

It seems like I've always been "goin' on 40" - as in, "He's 12, goin' on 40." I've always been mature for my age in many respects (probably an effect of loving to read), and that's been kind of awesome and kind of terrible. It means that I often get trusted with significant responsibilities, and I (hopefully) do my best to deliver. It also means that, especially when it comes to relationships, I'm usually dealing with an "age gap." I'm at the point where looks are secondary, and conversation and companionship are first and foremost. Where I don't feel stupid for making simple mistakes or taking risks, or asking straight out for what I want. Where I don't feel any obligation to hide my flaws because of What Other People Think - nor do I feel any obligation to share them. The point where games suck.

Most of the people I know and am around all day agree with these things, theoretically. They claim they know all of it from personal experience. But the game-playing goes on and on - the preoccupation with looks or religion or sexuality or something continues unabated. And to me, it's so obvious. I raise my eyebrow at the folks who think nobody knows about the games they play. Sure, ladies and gents, you may not be playing Candyland anymore, but chess still counts as a game....

I probably sound disgruntled, and I'm not really. Just mildly disappointed, I guess, but also hopeful. There have to be a few kindred spirits out there, the select few who are actually 15 years older than their age. One day I'll find one (who is Mormon, straight, beautiful, and talented. Ha! The irony!) and we'll connect, finally. I just have to be ready to move on when the time is right so that can happen.

How to Be Alone

I

LOVE

this:

Just think about it.

Special thanks to Elise Groves, from whose blog this was stolen.

Two Thousand Eleven - and Just January

Resolved:

First, to be sensible about everything that follows in this resolution blog.

Second, to graduate, get a job (i.e., career), and save money this year.

Third, to put aside some specific self-improvement resolutions as "Just January"s.

And finally, to face my fears of change. I'll soon be leaving school, and friends, and striking out on my own. My life is going to be different. I'm determined to make it different. I'm not foolish enough to believe that I'll have total control over this, but I'm also not passive enough to leave it up to chance. I feel as though I'm a surgeon, preparing to perform a heart transplant on my whole existence. I can't be afraid to cut out the parts that are unhealthy for me. Nor to embrace the parts that sustain me. So....2011...big, bright, beautiful world...here I come.