I've been experiencing some interesting feelings tonight. I went to my first real job interview today, and was promptly turned down for the job within a couple of hours. They were very gracious at the interview, and very polite in their rejection, but it still stung, of course. I was also very casually - and independently - reminded of one of the biggest failures of my life: a former friendship obliterated. Add to that the mounting pressure of piles of bills and debt, and it's safe to say I'm feeling somewhat insecure.
But that's not the interesting part; that, at least, is pretty typical emotion for a situation like the one I'm currently in, but that's just the background. The interesting thing is, in the midst of all this, I read someone else's blog - a post about change, and disillusionment, and feeling replaceable - and my first impulse was to send some sort of message of comfort. Now, this is a person with whom I am not very close. I'm not his enemy, we're on good terms, but we don't really have an actual friendship. In all likelihood, his reaction to a message from me would be something like, "Wha...?"
So, as I dissected my desire to help (or something?), I couldn't help but wonder what my motivation was. I do this sort of thing a lot - I see someone in pain, and without really thinking it through, I try to jump in and save them somehow. I'm sure psychiatrists would have a field day with that. I've made some wonderful friends that way - and I've also been burned worse than ever before that way. I like to think that I've learned from my mistakes...but have I?
I'm not sure. Maybe at this point I've been burned hard enough or often enough that it made me look before I leaped. Is that wisdom, or cynicism? Is the initial desire to help noble, or selfish? For that matter, what about any of my attitudes: is my slow acceptance that I'm pretty much always going to be single an example of giving up, or being at peace with my life? When I explain how I feel about drinking or swearing, am I being judgmental, or standing up for what I believe in?
I don't really know. I think all I can do is push forward, and keep holding on. Hopefully, one day, it'll all make sense. And when it does....I hope it will turn out that I was a good man.