Gulp

In a few days, I will be "graduating." I won't really - I still need to take one class and test out of another before they'll sign off on my degree. But I have commencement on Friday, with the caps and the gowns and the tassels and the pomp and circumstance. And, to be frank, the only things that can capture my thoughts and feelings happen to be musical theatre lyrics:

"...it's a big, bright, beautiful world..."
"...excited and scared..."
"...everybody's got the right to be happy..."
"...as we stumble along on life's funny journey..."
"...sorry-grateful, regretful-happy..."

And more. The thing is, I have two major career options ahead of me, not just one. And neither of those career options are the typical start-as-an-intern-anywhere-and-work-your-way-up variety. They are both the go-where-you-think-they-might-be-hiring-and-cross-your-fingers type. Acting and teaching are things that I love, but neither is especially secure, nor are they especially easy to break into. So not only do I have twice the number of possible paths, those each branch off into dozens more, and every road has a big cloud of London-variety fog obscuring the distant scenery. Not only that, but each of these roads has some major obstacles in the way: money, or location, or timing, or some combination of those. It's making me somewhat anxious.

However.

There are also influences in my life at the moment that are giving me what amounts to a big push out the door. I'll warn you that the next few sentences probably sound a bit whiny, so skip them if you feel unprepared to sympathize. One of these influences happens to be my "social" life at school. I freely acknowledge that I have been student teaching most of the semester, and my friends are plenty busy themselves. But am I wrong in thinking that "out of sight, out of mind" isn't really very nice? I essentially feel forgotten about, and after six years of classes and devotion to my department, that's making me sad and miffed in turns. Don't I deserve some recognition/appreciation, dag nab it?!

Okay, done. With all that said, I will miss a lot of the people I'll be leaving behind, but I'm also looking forward. Or at least trying to. I truly am thrilled at the idea of working, for real, doing what I love. And I know that this transition will not end my learning experience: I'll discover how to put my "theory" learning into practice, both onstage and off. The lessons I learned about myself while in school will be much easier to live. And the friends I have left will be real. That's kind of heartbreaking, and kind of awesome.

Life...here I come.

Dream Roles!

I was recently inspired by one of my closest friends (who posted a similar blog on this subject) to write about the roles I most want to play one day. Plus I figure my blog needs more pictures and stuff. As she says, if one is opting for an acting career, one usually has a role that one wants to play most, at least at some point. She has six. I have five...plus a bunch of "almosts."

Jack in Into the Woods


Fabrizio in The Light in the Piazza - I've already been lucky enough
to have played this role, and what an incredible experience.


J. Pierrepont Finch in
How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying


Dickon in The Secret Garden


Henrik in A Little Night Music

Those are the big 5. But I'd also love to play Toby in Sweeney Todd, Linus in You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown, Arpad in She Loves Me, Leo Frank in Parade, Charlie in The Foreigner, Hamlet, Ariel in The Tempest...the list goes on. I can usually come up with a role I'd love to play in any show I really enjoy. That's part of why I love theatre so much, I think. I don't always have to be "the lead" to have wonderful songs or fantastic acting moments. The audience gets to immerse themselves in the lives of all these fascinating characters, who are funny, or powerful, or magical, or innocent.... They get to watch a deeper, brighter, fiercer version of humanity, right before their eyes. It's kind of freakin' awesome.

p.s. For a blog written by a guy named "Actor," I feel pretty stupid that this is my first real post about my theatrical endeavors!!

Image?

Two posts in a month is kind of rare for me, but two posts within two weeks? I'm turning into a regular. Watch out.

I'm wondering right now what it is about me that suggests to people that I'm either stuck up, a loner, judgmental, or shy. I am, in fact, none of those things. I don't think I'm better than anybody else - self-confidence has been a struggle for me since it was hammered out of me during middle school. I enjoy my own company, but I'm not a loner - I much prefer meaningful time with my friends and family most of the time. I've lived life for long enough - and made enough mistakes - that I try never to judge other people or make assumptions about them, because I know how it feels when other jerks do it to me. And I'm not shy; despite my frequent lack of self-confidence, I'm not afraid to approach or talk to people, or to perform (duh), or to voice my opinion.

So why do I come across as those things?

Or maybe I'm completely wrong, and I don't seem like that...but why then does my peer group so often seem to avoid/ignore me? Even in groups that I'm completely friendly with, I end up on the side, or in the back, and I often find myself asking "What are you guys talking about?" just so that I know what's going on. Basically, I rarely get included. It's a little depressing.

Wow, whiny post. Maybe I should just buck up and get over it. I probably will. But if whiny, self-indulgent musings aren't what a blog is for, then I don't know what is. Goodbye for now!

Just Thinking...

For one of the only times in recent memory, I'm writing, not because I HAVE to write, but because I want to. I've just been thinking lately - nothing major or dramatic has been happening, I'm not struggling with relationships or decisions, I'm not on an emotional high or low - just thinking.

And what I've been thinking about is the nature of the human connection. I just turned 27 two weeks ago, and I'm almost done with college (knock on wood). However, I spend 8 hours a day around high school kids, and much of my free time around other college students who are often much younger than me. A lot of times I expect things from them that I'm once again realizing they haven't reached yet.

Don't get me wrong - I'm not saying I'm so much more mature or wise than anyone else. In many ways I'm probably pretty dumb. But I have learned a few lessons in my quarter-century, and I need to be reminded sometimes that others' paces don't match my own - they'll learn those lessons when their time is right.

It seems like I've always been "goin' on 40" - as in, "He's 12, goin' on 40." I've always been mature for my age in many respects (probably an effect of loving to read), and that's been kind of awesome and kind of terrible. It means that I often get trusted with significant responsibilities, and I (hopefully) do my best to deliver. It also means that, especially when it comes to relationships, I'm usually dealing with an "age gap." I'm at the point where looks are secondary, and conversation and companionship are first and foremost. Where I don't feel stupid for making simple mistakes or taking risks, or asking straight out for what I want. Where I don't feel any obligation to hide my flaws because of What Other People Think - nor do I feel any obligation to share them. The point where games suck.

Most of the people I know and am around all day agree with these things, theoretically. They claim they know all of it from personal experience. But the game-playing goes on and on - the preoccupation with looks or religion or sexuality or something continues unabated. And to me, it's so obvious. I raise my eyebrow at the folks who think nobody knows about the games they play. Sure, ladies and gents, you may not be playing Candyland anymore, but chess still counts as a game....

I probably sound disgruntled, and I'm not really. Just mildly disappointed, I guess, but also hopeful. There have to be a few kindred spirits out there, the select few who are actually 15 years older than their age. One day I'll find one (who is Mormon, straight, beautiful, and talented. Ha! The irony!) and we'll connect, finally. I just have to be ready to move on when the time is right so that can happen.

How to Be Alone

I

LOVE

this:

Just think about it.

Special thanks to Elise Groves, from whose blog this was stolen.

Two Thousand Eleven - and Just January

Resolved:

First, to be sensible about everything that follows in this resolution blog.

Second, to graduate, get a job (i.e., career), and save money this year.

Third, to put aside some specific self-improvement resolutions as "Just January"s.

And finally, to face my fears of change. I'll soon be leaving school, and friends, and striking out on my own. My life is going to be different. I'm determined to make it different. I'm not foolish enough to believe that I'll have total control over this, but I'm also not passive enough to leave it up to chance. I feel as though I'm a surgeon, preparing to perform a heart transplant on my whole existence. I can't be afraid to cut out the parts that are unhealthy for me. Nor to embrace the parts that sustain me. So....2011...big, bright, beautiful world...here I come.

My Own Little Neighborhood

In reading my blog, one might think that I'm going through the worst time in my life. I write a lot about how other people's bad judgment affects me, emotionally and practically, and I'm not exaggerating about that. Most of the time, I only write when I'm feeling very strongly about something, and usually when I feel that strongly it's in a negative way - which is sad. It's also an indicator that in a lot of ways, this is NOT a good time in my life.

But it's also an indicator that I need to get my chin up more often, and be more appreciative of the bright spots in my life. This afternoon, as I'm rushing to finish late homework and complete projects and try to pass all my classes, I had to stop and write for a moment about something a little different. Hopefully it will be a bit more positive than usual.

I'm starting to realize more and more that soon I will say goodbye to a lot of things that I know, and a lot of people that I take for granted. Graduation in four short months and the start of a career will be wonderful, and I can't wait. But I also wish I could take some folks with me, and maybe just plant them all around me like a beautiful garden. I want to form my own little fantasy neighborhood, so I can have the best neighbors ever to always be around me.

Normally I don't name names, but this time I will. This is by no means a complete list; if I had the time, I'd create a whole town of my ideal folks and families. But as I'm discussing graduation, and leaving behind the theatre people that I love, they will be the content in this neighborhood.

Marza has to be there. I need her sense of humor and her keen theatrical eye and her intelligence and her leadership and her unconditional love in my life forever more. Boo to Chicago Marza. Live by me always.

Gotta have Michael. He understands and accepts me for who I am, and never tries to make me something else that would make more sense to him. Same thing goes for Tyson. I can talk to them anytime, about anything, and they always make me think. They should both be in my neighborhood.

Shelby and Maddie and Angela and Kalyn and Liz have to be there too. They probably shouldn't ALways live with each other, or even next door, but I love them all so much, and I don't ever want to miss them. These are the women I could happily marry, any one of them. They make me feel real, and cared for, and I can sense the vast depth of their care and friendship. It's pretty amazing.

David should always be my neighbor. He could be the Catholic-ish godfather to my not-so-Catholic Mormon kids. If I, and they, can have his caring and beautiful soul in their life all the time, we will all be better people. Derek needs to be around too, to bounce ideas and conversations and emotions off of, and to remind me to listen closer more often, and to give me greater faith in the honor of humanity.

Jim needs to be there. And Jillian. Come back from Seattle Jillian. We'll set something up so you can be just as awesome a working actor down here in my neighborhood. Jim, will you be in charge of that? Also, I always, always need to work on shows - and life - with both of you. You know how to make theatre - and life - beautiful. Thank you for teaching me so much.

Jake Sommer should be down the street, with a big house and 17 kids. And Jake Evans should be up the street, with Nami and one beautiful daughter. In ten years ;) And Craig should be there, and Landon and Caitlin and Libby, and just their whole family basically. And I'd love it if Jen lived around the corner too. Maybe we could team teach together. I want all of you there.

And of course, my family should be around. Maybe a couple streets away. Close enough that my kids could ride their bikes to Grandma and Grandpa's house after school. I wouldn't be who I am without them.

There are dozens of other that could move in to this community as well and I would receive them with joy. These people that I'm writing about are the ones I know I'll always want with me, in my heart at least, and the ones whose absence I will mourn. Even with all the rottenness that's around, these are my true friends, who have given what they have to help make my life better. I can only pray that I have been able to offer a little bit of my own best in return.

Intentional Harm

It's really hard for me to understand how some people can explain away hurtful gossip as a helpful warning. Don't they know that it causes real pain? Whatever you might believe about me, whatever you think I've done...is it that vital that you chase others away from getting to know me? It hurts :( and I wish it would stop.

Changing Worlds

I'm getting older. A lot of people who know me laugh and roll their eyes when I say that, and to an extent I join them. I'm only 26, and realistically I have a long time to live, barring anything tragic (knock on wood). But I've surpassed my childhood and my teenage years, moved out of my family's house, graduated high school, and soon college, and begun to embark on my career path. After this April - even if, in the future, I change employers, or move to different cities at some point, or land a fantastic position somewhere - the rest of my life will be pretty much the same routine: sleep, work at something I mostly enjoy, interact with the people I enjoy spending time with, rinse, repeat. The only things that could conceivably change the course of my life's "flavor" would be marriage and kids.

So, with this concept in mind, for the last year or so I've been getting more or less used to that idea. It's a roller coaster sometimes, and occasionally I get caught up in the intricacies and ridiculousness of the mini-universe that is a college theatre department. Wisdom is pretty thin on the ground (not that I necessarily have any either), and people's judgment is almost always some mix of impaired, influenced, invisible, or idiotic. But a few people are able to break through the skin of petty gossip and popularity contests, and make me grateful for this time in my life.

I'm more and more distant from those starting this journey, and sometimes it's hard for me to be less connected. But it's also good. Some of the kids starting in my department are...well, to put it bluntly, they're dumb. They have no idea what they're getting into as they experiment with alcohol and sex and other things. A large (teacher) part of me wants to help them figure it out and prevent them from screwing up their lives too much. But the fact that I'm getting older (full circle!) means that they think I'm stupid, or boring, or condescending, or whatever. Or just old. Which normally would be a crisis of self-esteem for me...but it's less and less so. It's almost not worth it to develop a friendship that will likely only last a year. Or less. Unless, of course, they want to. Then I'm all for it. But I'm not going to waste effort.

To some of my readers (wow, that sounds pretentious lol), that might seem cold, or uncompassionate. But just know that I DID try. Unfortunately, people continually prove that they aren't really all that different from the ones that came before - most of them anyway. They cycle once again through the same patterns of assumptions and snap judgments and shallow stupidities. Only a few escape from that. Those are the ones I admire and cherish.

So, as my world changes slowly, and I prepare for the world that it coming, I reminisce and reflect on what I leave behind. It's bittersweet. But the sweet overcomes the bitter. I look forward to a new life, where I can start fresh, and bring in only the influences that I desire. It'll probably be less ideal than I imagine (how sad, on some levels, to have lost my idealism and my naivete), but it'll still be a world in which I have more control of my fate. And that, I hope, will be worth all the years it's taken to get there.

Judgments

I was going to make this a Facebook status, but I decided I couldn't say everything I wanted to in just one sentence. Plus I wanted to avoid a long, drawn-out battle between those of different ideologies.

There's been a serious build-up of emotions for so many people over the last few days and weeks. Many suicides of gay teenagers. Today, a reaffirmation by one of my religious leaders of a doctrine that my Church has held firmly to for as long as it's existed. For me, personally, some people, who should theoretically be more tolerant and more accepting, proving once again that they don't respect me at all. And another friendship hurt by lies. I feel ready to boil over.

Another challenge thrown my way. Well, I'm not gonna succumb world. Nobody ever reckons on me being as tenacious as I am. They figure I'll give in with enough pressure. Sometimes I'm afraid of the same thing. But not today.

To everyone who cares about me (or at least cares enough to read this): I love you. I know they're just words, and I know I'm not always (or ever) perfect at showing it. I set a high standard for myself, and I miss hitting it all the time. Not to be judgmental, but so do you. I'm okay with that. Please be okay with me. I love all my true friends, and I would do anything for them. Except sacrifice my honor. I stand for what I believe in, and I will not be swayed. Maybe one day I'll stand alone. I'm prepared for that. It's not fun, but I've had plenty of experience being around those who hate what I am, what I stand for, who I've chosen to be. If you can't love me until I change, or you're choosing to love me in a misguided expectation that you can make me change, that's not love. Sorry to break it to you. If you love me because you think I'm a pretty good person, thank you. I'm trying my best every day.

This is not a coherent post. There are no philosophical "zingers" or deep thoughts to contemplate. I'm just saying what i feel. Some people think I'm a robot, that I don't feel anything. Little do they know. I have emotions so deep and vibrant and consuming that they may never feel the like. My logic channels those emotions. My choices harness them. My destiny grows out of them.

Don't ever think you know me enough to sum me up, or judge me, or categorize me, or define me. You don't. Let me say it again: You don't, and you can't. If you want, you can get close. But the closer you get, the more I turn into a real boy, with all the intricacies and contradictions and strengths and weaknesses. If you can't handle that, stay away.

And for those who can? Thank you for being you.