It's strange to truly realize one day that I am the biggest problem in my own life. I am the one and only thing in common with all my failed relationships. Many of the people I admire most, with whom I wish I could be better friends, are besties with other people who despise me. Questions I ask because I care are routinely interpreted as intrusive, annoying, condescending, or confrontational. I'm no longer given the benefit of the doubt. My mother is being shunned in my home neighborhood because of my past mistakes. I constantly get played, mocked, shamed. The worst part is, I truly, truly don't understand what I am doing to cause this. I try to be nice to everyone. I try to care and show kindness and give sincere compliments and make restitution for the mistakes I've made or the harm I've caused. I try to get better. But I'm not. Soon my students will be gone for the summer. Nobody will be left that really respects me... and even they didn't, not really. And it can't be a huge conspiracy. And I can't believe that so much of the world - or my personal community, at least - is so mean and judgmental and unforgiving and spiteful. So that means that I am doing things wrong. I wish I could stop. Just stop everything. Start over where nobody else knows me. Forget everyone.
Too bad. Sucks for me.