I have been writing on this blog for a little over four and a half years. That's kinda crazy! Who'da thunk that this particular form of journaling would be (relatively) successful for me!
Anyway, I haven't written for a few weeks, and I don't really even know what I want to write about tonight, except that I feel like I need to write about something. We're on the downhill slope at school, headed toward summer "vacation" time (I won't really have much vacation time realistically, but I'll at least be able to sleep in a bit), and a show I'm directing opens in a week, and I'm just overwhelmed. And also kind of underwhelmed at the same time. I went back to my college campus last night to watch a show, which was pretty good, and when it was over, I left without much fanfare. A few people said hi and gave me hugs, and then went to join their friends. I saw a couple of cast members, but most were beginning to strike the set. Most that I saw there didn't really care at all that I was attending. So, I kind of just slipped in and slipped out. It was a lonely feeling.
Maybe that's what I need to process. I didn't really leave a mark there. And I haven't really left a mark anywhere. I'm good at some stuff, but not remarkable. Sometimes I try to help people, but it doesn't last, or it backfires, or it just fails. I love my students, but I'm not very good at addressing their individual needs, or planning ahead. I'm way behind on grading, my classroom management leaves a lot to be desired, and the administration and custodial staff are fed up with my failures to keep things clean and organized and on budget. Many of the parents are supportive, and I just don't know what sort of help to ask them for. My apartment and car are big messes, and I can barely motivate myself to do laundry, much less motivate my students to work even harder on our shows. In summary, I'm doing okay.... but not great. I'm just mediocre.
It hurts, subtly, to even type that out. I had ambitions once, and somewhere along the line I compromised or rationalized or made errors until those ambitions became foolish overreaching. I'm a good singer, but not a great one. I'm a good actor, but I'll never be paid to act the starring role. I'm in shape... at least a shape. I have a strong spiritual side, but it's been languishing for years. I'm not truly awesome at anything, and I really really wanted to be.
I'm young-ish, though. I've probably got decades left to make a positive mark somewhere. So hopefully that time will come along, and I'll be remembered for something good. Something lasting. I hope.