Sometimes I can't wrap my head around my emotions.
"Well," I hear you thinking, "isn't that sort of the point? Emotions are supposed to be elusive and enigmatic. They're the foil to logic. Stop trying to analyze!!" That's true, I suppose. But here's where I'm coming from:
Every once in a while, I see a post or a picture, or hear a song, or smell an aroma, which forcibly reminds me of a person or people that were once part of my life, and are now gone. Right now, my life is wonderful. Truly. The first few pages of this new chapter have been filled with challenges, yes, as well as some amazing rewards. I love teaching. I love (and hate) the constant exertion and exhaustion and performance. It's fantastic, a dream come true. So..... why do I miss those people who are indifferent at the least, and hostile at the worst?
I think it's because I feel like my mistakes have put me on a "team." Those who know my mistakes and understand, as well as the greater number of those who just don't know about those mistakes, are often on "my team." Those who know my mistakes and hate me for them, as well as the greater number of their friends who simply like those people more than they like me, are on "their team." And I'm not allowed to interact. Whether out of embarrassment, or anger, or grief, or respect, or whatever, I simply don't feel like I would be welcome remaining friends with any of "their team." And they certainly don't go out of their way to be my friend, either. But somehow, I still wish that I could fix things, cure things, erase my failures.... and get back these people that I inexplicably still care about. Don't know why.
The ache comes and goes. I try my best to be a good person. Sometimes it backfires; I've tried hard to learn lessons from those experiences, and change myself. And yet, those feelings remain, and I don't know why. It's just one of those twinges of regret, late at night. I hope those will diminish as the years go by.
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Saturday, September 15, 2012
Monday, October 24, 2011
Hmmm...
It's sort of interesting to be in the midst of a phase of quasi-depression, but to be able to analyze it fairly objectively (or, at least, to think it's fairly objectively). I've come to some realizations that, most likely, I've realized before and then forgotten, and will realize again until I stop being stupid and it finally sinks in for good. Which will probably be when I'm about 72.
First of all, I'm so used to being *not content* that it's pretty much unnoticeable. Which is kind of awful.
Second of all, whenever the above fact hits me, I recognize that I'm not actually used to it at all, and instead I am in a state of gentle grieving almost constantly.
Third of all, very, very, very few things pull me out of this: actually, physically being on stage acting is one of them. Backstage...occasionally, but not with any sort of regularity. Usually backstage is just a slightly more pleasant version of the attention-seeking popularity contest that makes up the majority of my social observations. Which I'm sure I would be totally fine with if I was the popular one with all the attention....
The only other thing I can think of at the moment that pulls me out of my funk is being needed.
Don't know why. Don't know what the relative health level of that particular personality trait is. But I like being needed, more than I like being wanted. I don't think I really know what being loved is like, outside of family (and even then...), so who knows about that prioritization yet. But unfortunately, I'm not really needed much anymore either. My closest friends like me, but they don't need me. Not anymore.
Fourth of all, I really need to re-examine/recommit to the spiritual aspects of my life, which have been severely lacking lately.
Fifth of all, despite feeling a significant amount of ridiculousness at typing all of this down, it's definitely helped me process, as usual, more than I anticipated.
Sixth of all, if you happen to have read through this far....I don't know if you now know anything new or different about me than you knew before, but hopefully at least you understand why I haven't been as chipper as I normally am...if, of course, you have any sort of quality contact with me. Which you likely don't. Which I don't blame anybody for.....except I kinda do. Which is selfish. Yaaaay for circles of guilt.
Seventh of all, I can't decide how exactly to be happy for somebody's happiness in the present while mourning for the near-inevitable miseries of their chosen future. I don't pretend to know what's going to happen, but I can make a fair guess in most cases (as has been borne out in the past), and I hate watching people grow to be miserable. Oh well.
Last of all (for now), despite my loneliness and frustration at the sense of abandonment I always come back to, I am thoroughly, deeply, honestly grateful for the hard lessons I've had to learn, and the sweet rewards and emotions that come with sharing the deepest, truest parts of myself in telling a story, especially onstage or through music. Nothing is purer than that to me.
First of all, I'm so used to being *not content* that it's pretty much unnoticeable. Which is kind of awful.
Second of all, whenever the above fact hits me, I recognize that I'm not actually used to it at all, and instead I am in a state of gentle grieving almost constantly.
Third of all, very, very, very few things pull me out of this: actually, physically being on stage acting is one of them. Backstage...occasionally, but not with any sort of regularity. Usually backstage is just a slightly more pleasant version of the attention-seeking popularity contest that makes up the majority of my social observations. Which I'm sure I would be totally fine with if I was the popular one with all the attention....
The only other thing I can think of at the moment that pulls me out of my funk is being needed.
Don't know why. Don't know what the relative health level of that particular personality trait is. But I like being needed, more than I like being wanted. I don't think I really know what being loved is like, outside of family (and even then...), so who knows about that prioritization yet. But unfortunately, I'm not really needed much anymore either. My closest friends like me, but they don't need me. Not anymore.
Fourth of all, I really need to re-examine/recommit to the spiritual aspects of my life, which have been severely lacking lately.
Fifth of all, despite feeling a significant amount of ridiculousness at typing all of this down, it's definitely helped me process, as usual, more than I anticipated.
Sixth of all, if you happen to have read through this far....I don't know if you now know anything new or different about me than you knew before, but hopefully at least you understand why I haven't been as chipper as I normally am...if, of course, you have any sort of quality contact with me. Which you likely don't. Which I don't blame anybody for.....except I kinda do. Which is selfish. Yaaaay for circles of guilt.
Seventh of all, I can't decide how exactly to be happy for somebody's happiness in the present while mourning for the near-inevitable miseries of their chosen future. I don't pretend to know what's going to happen, but I can make a fair guess in most cases (as has been borne out in the past), and I hate watching people grow to be miserable. Oh well.
Last of all (for now), despite my loneliness and frustration at the sense of abandonment I always come back to, I am thoroughly, deeply, honestly grateful for the hard lessons I've had to learn, and the sweet rewards and emotions that come with sharing the deepest, truest parts of myself in telling a story, especially onstage or through music. Nothing is purer than that to me.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Master of Disguise?
I have a trait that seems to be a serious failing...but when I think about it, I really like it: I really suck at being a fake friend on any level. If I like you, I like you all the time, not just to your face, and not just in secret. I have had more than a few friends over the years that insist that I be less than myself in public when around them. That grates.
I don't do the whole "secret friend" thing. If you're going to be my friend....then be my friend, and have the guts to deal with the consequences. If not, DON'T be my friend! It will be less stressful for everyone! I like having friends, a lot. But I hate lying. I hate helping other people lie. Please don't make me do it. I understand that everyone has secrets, shameful or otherwise. I'm not asking people to hang out their dirty laundry for all to see. But if you are embarrassed or ashamed to be seen with me, around me, talking to me, hugging me, etc., then it's probably not gonna work out!
Next is a tangent (sort of), that has arisen from knowing SO MANY people who have big, big things to hide.
Dear Parents (and future parents), please hear this loud and clear: if your child does not believe that they can come to you with anything - and I mean anything, whether it's a son who is gay, a daughter who is pregnant, a child who has done drugs, a kid who's stolen something - if they don't believe that you will still love them no matter what, then you are teaching your child to lie to you. All kids lie to their parents, but hopefully the parents teach them better. This is how we fail at teaching them better! Kids should never be afraid or doubtful that their families will reject them. Before we rail against gay marriage, teen pregnancy, drugs, or anything else destroying the family, let's look at the foundation of that destruction: fear and judgment in the home! I know you are afraid your child might ruin his life; don't help him do it! LOVE HIM! Whatever mistakes she has made, her life still goes on, and can get better, if you LOVE HER! It's so so so easy! And yet it is the parents who fail to let their children know they love them, and cultivate the type of human beings that LIE to their parents about their relationships.
All we need, folks, is love. Just listen to the Beatles. Read the scriptures. Study the great men and women of history. Pay attention to the urgings of your conscience. Just love. Love. It's the solution to every problem. That's all we need.
I don't do the whole "secret friend" thing. If you're going to be my friend....then be my friend, and have the guts to deal with the consequences. If not, DON'T be my friend! It will be less stressful for everyone! I like having friends, a lot. But I hate lying. I hate helping other people lie. Please don't make me do it. I understand that everyone has secrets, shameful or otherwise. I'm not asking people to hang out their dirty laundry for all to see. But if you are embarrassed or ashamed to be seen with me, around me, talking to me, hugging me, etc., then it's probably not gonna work out!
Next is a tangent (sort of), that has arisen from knowing SO MANY people who have big, big things to hide.
Dear Parents (and future parents), please hear this loud and clear: if your child does not believe that they can come to you with anything - and I mean anything, whether it's a son who is gay, a daughter who is pregnant, a child who has done drugs, a kid who's stolen something - if they don't believe that you will still love them no matter what, then you are teaching your child to lie to you. All kids lie to their parents, but hopefully the parents teach them better. This is how we fail at teaching them better! Kids should never be afraid or doubtful that their families will reject them. Before we rail against gay marriage, teen pregnancy, drugs, or anything else destroying the family, let's look at the foundation of that destruction: fear and judgment in the home! I know you are afraid your child might ruin his life; don't help him do it! LOVE HIM! Whatever mistakes she has made, her life still goes on, and can get better, if you LOVE HER! It's so so so easy! And yet it is the parents who fail to let their children know they love them, and cultivate the type of human beings that LIE to their parents about their relationships.
All we need, folks, is love. Just listen to the Beatles. Read the scriptures. Study the great men and women of history. Pay attention to the urgings of your conscience. Just love. Love. It's the solution to every problem. That's all we need.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Gulp
In a few days, I will be "graduating." I won't really - I still need to take one class and test out of another before they'll sign off on my degree. But I have commencement on Friday, with the caps and the gowns and the tassels and the pomp and circumstance. And, to be frank, the only things that can capture my thoughts and feelings happen to be musical theatre lyrics:
"...it's a big, bright, beautiful world..."
"...excited and scared..."
"...everybody's got the right to be happy..."
"...as we stumble along on life's funny journey..."
"...sorry-grateful, regretful-happy..."
And more. The thing is, I have two major career options ahead of me, not just one. And neither of those career options are the typical start-as-an-intern-anywhere-and-work-your-way-up variety. They are both the go-where-you-think-they-might-be-hiring-and-cross-your-fingers type. Acting and teaching are things that I love, but neither is especially secure, nor are they especially easy to break into. So not only do I have twice the number of possible paths, those each branch off into dozens more, and every road has a big cloud of London-variety fog obscuring the distant scenery. Not only that, but each of these roads has some major obstacles in the way: money, or location, or timing, or some combination of those. It's making me somewhat anxious.
However.
There are also influences in my life at the moment that are giving me what amounts to a big push out the door. I'll warn you that the next few sentences probably sound a bit whiny, so skip them if you feel unprepared to sympathize. One of these influences happens to be my "social" life at school. I freely acknowledge that I have been student teaching most of the semester, and my friends are plenty busy themselves. But am I wrong in thinking that "out of sight, out of mind" isn't really very nice? I essentially feel forgotten about, and after six years of classes and devotion to my department, that's making me sad and miffed in turns. Don't I deserve some recognition/appreciation, dag nab it?!
Okay, done. With all that said, I will miss a lot of the people I'll be leaving behind, but I'm also looking forward. Or at least trying to. I truly am thrilled at the idea of working, for real, doing what I love. And I know that this transition will not end my learning experience: I'll discover how to put my "theory" learning into practice, both onstage and off. The lessons I learned about myself while in school will be much easier to live. And the friends I have left will be real. That's kind of heartbreaking, and kind of awesome.
Life...here I come.
"...it's a big, bright, beautiful world..."
"...excited and scared..."
"...everybody's got the right to be happy..."
"...as we stumble along on life's funny journey..."
"...sorry-grateful, regretful-happy..."
And more. The thing is, I have two major career options ahead of me, not just one. And neither of those career options are the typical start-as-an-intern-anywhere-and-work-your-way-up variety. They are both the go-where-you-think-they-might-be-hiring-and-cross-your-fingers type. Acting and teaching are things that I love, but neither is especially secure, nor are they especially easy to break into. So not only do I have twice the number of possible paths, those each branch off into dozens more, and every road has a big cloud of London-variety fog obscuring the distant scenery. Not only that, but each of these roads has some major obstacles in the way: money, or location, or timing, or some combination of those. It's making me somewhat anxious.
However.
There are also influences in my life at the moment that are giving me what amounts to a big push out the door. I'll warn you that the next few sentences probably sound a bit whiny, so skip them if you feel unprepared to sympathize. One of these influences happens to be my "social" life at school. I freely acknowledge that I have been student teaching most of the semester, and my friends are plenty busy themselves. But am I wrong in thinking that "out of sight, out of mind" isn't really very nice? I essentially feel forgotten about, and after six years of classes and devotion to my department, that's making me sad and miffed in turns. Don't I deserve some recognition/appreciation, dag nab it?!
Okay, done. With all that said, I will miss a lot of the people I'll be leaving behind, but I'm also looking forward. Or at least trying to. I truly am thrilled at the idea of working, for real, doing what I love. And I know that this transition will not end my learning experience: I'll discover how to put my "theory" learning into practice, both onstage and off. The lessons I learned about myself while in school will be much easier to live. And the friends I have left will be real. That's kind of heartbreaking, and kind of awesome.
Life...here I come.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Image?
Two posts in a month is kind of rare for me, but two posts within two weeks? I'm turning into a regular. Watch out.
I'm wondering right now what it is about me that suggests to people that I'm either stuck up, a loner, judgmental, or shy. I am, in fact, none of those things. I don't think I'm better than anybody else - self-confidence has been a struggle for me since it was hammered out of me during middle school. I enjoy my own company, but I'm not a loner - I much prefer meaningful time with my friends and family most of the time. I've lived life for long enough - and made enough mistakes - that I try never to judge other people or make assumptions about them, because I know how it feels when other jerks do it to me. And I'm not shy; despite my frequent lack of self-confidence, I'm not afraid to approach or talk to people, or to perform (duh), or to voice my opinion.
So why do I come across as those things?
Or maybe I'm completely wrong, and I don't seem like that...but why then does my peer group so often seem to avoid/ignore me? Even in groups that I'm completely friendly with, I end up on the side, or in the back, and I often find myself asking "What are you guys talking about?" just so that I know what's going on. Basically, I rarely get included. It's a little depressing.
Wow, whiny post. Maybe I should just buck up and get over it. I probably will. But if whiny, self-indulgent musings aren't what a blog is for, then I don't know what is. Goodbye for now!
I'm wondering right now what it is about me that suggests to people that I'm either stuck up, a loner, judgmental, or shy. I am, in fact, none of those things. I don't think I'm better than anybody else - self-confidence has been a struggle for me since it was hammered out of me during middle school. I enjoy my own company, but I'm not a loner - I much prefer meaningful time with my friends and family most of the time. I've lived life for long enough - and made enough mistakes - that I try never to judge other people or make assumptions about them, because I know how it feels when other jerks do it to me. And I'm not shy; despite my frequent lack of self-confidence, I'm not afraid to approach or talk to people, or to perform (duh), or to voice my opinion.
So why do I come across as those things?
Or maybe I'm completely wrong, and I don't seem like that...but why then does my peer group so often seem to avoid/ignore me? Even in groups that I'm completely friendly with, I end up on the side, or in the back, and I often find myself asking "What are you guys talking about?" just so that I know what's going on. Basically, I rarely get included. It's a little depressing.
Wow, whiny post. Maybe I should just buck up and get over it. I probably will. But if whiny, self-indulgent musings aren't what a blog is for, then I don't know what is. Goodbye for now!
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Just Thinking...
For one of the only times in recent memory, I'm writing, not because I HAVE to write, but because I want to. I've just been thinking lately - nothing major or dramatic has been happening, I'm not struggling with relationships or decisions, I'm not on an emotional high or low - just thinking.
And what I've been thinking about is the nature of the human connection. I just turned 27 two weeks ago, and I'm almost done with college (knock on wood). However, I spend 8 hours a day around high school kids, and much of my free time around other college students who are often much younger than me. A lot of times I expect things from them that I'm once again realizing they haven't reached yet.
Don't get me wrong - I'm not saying I'm so much more mature or wise than anyone else. In many ways I'm probably pretty dumb. But I have learned a few lessons in my quarter-century, and I need to be reminded sometimes that others' paces don't match my own - they'll learn those lessons when their time is right.
It seems like I've always been "goin' on 40" - as in, "He's 12, goin' on 40." I've always been mature for my age in many respects (probably an effect of loving to read), and that's been kind of awesome and kind of terrible. It means that I often get trusted with significant responsibilities, and I (hopefully) do my best to deliver. It also means that, especially when it comes to relationships, I'm usually dealing with an "age gap." I'm at the point where looks are secondary, and conversation and companionship are first and foremost. Where I don't feel stupid for making simple mistakes or taking risks, or asking straight out for what I want. Where I don't feel any obligation to hide my flaws because of What Other People Think - nor do I feel any obligation to share them. The point where games suck.
Most of the people I know and am around all day agree with these things, theoretically. They claim they know all of it from personal experience. But the game-playing goes on and on - the preoccupation with looks or religion or sexuality or something continues unabated. And to me, it's so obvious. I raise my eyebrow at the folks who think nobody knows about the games they play. Sure, ladies and gents, you may not be playing Candyland anymore, but chess still counts as a game....
I probably sound disgruntled, and I'm not really. Just mildly disappointed, I guess, but also hopeful. There have to be a few kindred spirits out there, the select few who are actually 15 years older than their age. One day I'll find one (who is Mormon, straight, beautiful, and talented. Ha! The irony!) and we'll connect, finally. I just have to be ready to move on when the time is right so that can happen.
And what I've been thinking about is the nature of the human connection. I just turned 27 two weeks ago, and I'm almost done with college (knock on wood). However, I spend 8 hours a day around high school kids, and much of my free time around other college students who are often much younger than me. A lot of times I expect things from them that I'm once again realizing they haven't reached yet.
Don't get me wrong - I'm not saying I'm so much more mature or wise than anyone else. In many ways I'm probably pretty dumb. But I have learned a few lessons in my quarter-century, and I need to be reminded sometimes that others' paces don't match my own - they'll learn those lessons when their time is right.
It seems like I've always been "goin' on 40" - as in, "He's 12, goin' on 40." I've always been mature for my age in many respects (probably an effect of loving to read), and that's been kind of awesome and kind of terrible. It means that I often get trusted with significant responsibilities, and I (hopefully) do my best to deliver. It also means that, especially when it comes to relationships, I'm usually dealing with an "age gap." I'm at the point where looks are secondary, and conversation and companionship are first and foremost. Where I don't feel stupid for making simple mistakes or taking risks, or asking straight out for what I want. Where I don't feel any obligation to hide my flaws because of What Other People Think - nor do I feel any obligation to share them. The point where games suck.
Most of the people I know and am around all day agree with these things, theoretically. They claim they know all of it from personal experience. But the game-playing goes on and on - the preoccupation with looks or religion or sexuality or something continues unabated. And to me, it's so obvious. I raise my eyebrow at the folks who think nobody knows about the games they play. Sure, ladies and gents, you may not be playing Candyland anymore, but chess still counts as a game....
I probably sound disgruntled, and I'm not really. Just mildly disappointed, I guess, but also hopeful. There have to be a few kindred spirits out there, the select few who are actually 15 years older than their age. One day I'll find one (who is Mormon, straight, beautiful, and talented. Ha! The irony!) and we'll connect, finally. I just have to be ready to move on when the time is right so that can happen.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
My Own Little Neighborhood
In reading my blog, one might think that I'm going through the worst time in my life. I write a lot about how other people's bad judgment affects me, emotionally and practically, and I'm not exaggerating about that. Most of the time, I only write when I'm feeling very strongly about something, and usually when I feel that strongly it's in a negative way - which is sad. It's also an indicator that in a lot of ways, this is NOT a good time in my life.
But it's also an indicator that I need to get my chin up more often, and be more appreciative of the bright spots in my life. This afternoon, as I'm rushing to finish late homework and complete projects and try to pass all my classes, I had to stop and write for a moment about something a little different. Hopefully it will be a bit more positive than usual.
I'm starting to realize more and more that soon I will say goodbye to a lot of things that I know, and a lot of people that I take for granted. Graduation in four short months and the start of a career will be wonderful, and I can't wait. But I also wish I could take some folks with me, and maybe just plant them all around me like a beautiful garden. I want to form my own little fantasy neighborhood, so I can have the best neighbors ever to always be around me.
Normally I don't name names, but this time I will. This is by no means a complete list; if I had the time, I'd create a whole town of my ideal folks and families. But as I'm discussing graduation, and leaving behind the theatre people that I love, they will be the content in this neighborhood.
Marza has to be there. I need her sense of humor and her keen theatrical eye and her intelligence and her leadership and her unconditional love in my life forever more. Boo to Chicago Marza. Live by me always.
Gotta have Michael. He understands and accepts me for who I am, and never tries to make me something else that would make more sense to him. Same thing goes for Tyson. I can talk to them anytime, about anything, and they always make me think. They should both be in my neighborhood.
Shelby and Maddie and Angela and Kalyn and Liz have to be there too. They probably shouldn't ALways live with each other, or even next door, but I love them all so much, and I don't ever want to miss them. These are the women I could happily marry, any one of them. They make me feel real, and cared for, and I can sense the vast depth of their care and friendship. It's pretty amazing.
David should always be my neighbor. He could be the Catholic-ish godfather to my not-so-Catholic Mormon kids. If I, and they, can have his caring and beautiful soul in their life all the time, we will all be better people. Derek needs to be around too, to bounce ideas and conversations and emotions off of, and to remind me to listen closer more often, and to give me greater faith in the honor of humanity.
Jim needs to be there. And Jillian. Come back from Seattle Jillian. We'll set something up so you can be just as awesome a working actor down here in my neighborhood. Jim, will you be in charge of that? Also, I always, always need to work on shows - and life - with both of you. You know how to make theatre - and life - beautiful. Thank you for teaching me so much.
Jake Sommer should be down the street, with a big house and 17 kids. And Jake Evans should be up the street, with Nami and one beautiful daughter. In ten years ;) And Craig should be there, and Landon and Caitlin and Libby, and just their whole family basically. And I'd love it if Jen lived around the corner too. Maybe we could team teach together. I want all of you there.
And of course, my family should be around. Maybe a couple streets away. Close enough that my kids could ride their bikes to Grandma and Grandpa's house after school. I wouldn't be who I am without them.
There are dozens of other that could move in to this community as well and I would receive them with joy. These people that I'm writing about are the ones I know I'll always want with me, in my heart at least, and the ones whose absence I will mourn. Even with all the rottenness that's around, these are my true friends, who have given what they have to help make my life better. I can only pray that I have been able to offer a little bit of my own best in return.
But it's also an indicator that I need to get my chin up more often, and be more appreciative of the bright spots in my life. This afternoon, as I'm rushing to finish late homework and complete projects and try to pass all my classes, I had to stop and write for a moment about something a little different. Hopefully it will be a bit more positive than usual.
I'm starting to realize more and more that soon I will say goodbye to a lot of things that I know, and a lot of people that I take for granted. Graduation in four short months and the start of a career will be wonderful, and I can't wait. But I also wish I could take some folks with me, and maybe just plant them all around me like a beautiful garden. I want to form my own little fantasy neighborhood, so I can have the best neighbors ever to always be around me.
Normally I don't name names, but this time I will. This is by no means a complete list; if I had the time, I'd create a whole town of my ideal folks and families. But as I'm discussing graduation, and leaving behind the theatre people that I love, they will be the content in this neighborhood.
Marza has to be there. I need her sense of humor and her keen theatrical eye and her intelligence and her leadership and her unconditional love in my life forever more. Boo to Chicago Marza. Live by me always.
Gotta have Michael. He understands and accepts me for who I am, and never tries to make me something else that would make more sense to him. Same thing goes for Tyson. I can talk to them anytime, about anything, and they always make me think. They should both be in my neighborhood.
Shelby and Maddie and Angela and Kalyn and Liz have to be there too. They probably shouldn't ALways live with each other, or even next door, but I love them all so much, and I don't ever want to miss them. These are the women I could happily marry, any one of them. They make me feel real, and cared for, and I can sense the vast depth of their care and friendship. It's pretty amazing.
David should always be my neighbor. He could be the Catholic-ish godfather to my not-so-Catholic Mormon kids. If I, and they, can have his caring and beautiful soul in their life all the time, we will all be better people. Derek needs to be around too, to bounce ideas and conversations and emotions off of, and to remind me to listen closer more often, and to give me greater faith in the honor of humanity.
Jim needs to be there. And Jillian. Come back from Seattle Jillian. We'll set something up so you can be just as awesome a working actor down here in my neighborhood. Jim, will you be in charge of that? Also, I always, always need to work on shows - and life - with both of you. You know how to make theatre - and life - beautiful. Thank you for teaching me so much.
Jake Sommer should be down the street, with a big house and 17 kids. And Jake Evans should be up the street, with Nami and one beautiful daughter. In ten years ;) And Craig should be there, and Landon and Caitlin and Libby, and just their whole family basically. And I'd love it if Jen lived around the corner too. Maybe we could team teach together. I want all of you there.
And of course, my family should be around. Maybe a couple streets away. Close enough that my kids could ride their bikes to Grandma and Grandpa's house after school. I wouldn't be who I am without them.
There are dozens of other that could move in to this community as well and I would receive them with joy. These people that I'm writing about are the ones I know I'll always want with me, in my heart at least, and the ones whose absence I will mourn. Even with all the rottenness that's around, these are my true friends, who have given what they have to help make my life better. I can only pray that I have been able to offer a little bit of my own best in return.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Changing Worlds
I'm getting older. A lot of people who know me laugh and roll their eyes when I say that, and to an extent I join them. I'm only 26, and realistically I have a long time to live, barring anything tragic (knock on wood). But I've surpassed my childhood and my teenage years, moved out of my family's house, graduated high school, and soon college, and begun to embark on my career path. After this April - even if, in the future, I change employers, or move to different cities at some point, or land a fantastic position somewhere - the rest of my life will be pretty much the same routine: sleep, work at something I mostly enjoy, interact with the people I enjoy spending time with, rinse, repeat. The only things that could conceivably change the course of my life's "flavor" would be marriage and kids.
So, with this concept in mind, for the last year or so I've been getting more or less used to that idea. It's a roller coaster sometimes, and occasionally I get caught up in the intricacies and ridiculousness of the mini-universe that is a college theatre department. Wisdom is pretty thin on the ground (not that I necessarily have any either), and people's judgment is almost always some mix of impaired, influenced, invisible, or idiotic. But a few people are able to break through the skin of petty gossip and popularity contests, and make me grateful for this time in my life.
I'm more and more distant from those starting this journey, and sometimes it's hard for me to be less connected. But it's also good. Some of the kids starting in my department are...well, to put it bluntly, they're dumb. They have no idea what they're getting into as they experiment with alcohol and sex and other things. A large (teacher) part of me wants to help them figure it out and prevent them from screwing up their lives too much. But the fact that I'm getting older (full circle!) means that they think I'm stupid, or boring, or condescending, or whatever. Or just old. Which normally would be a crisis of self-esteem for me...but it's less and less so. It's almost not worth it to develop a friendship that will likely only last a year. Or less. Unless, of course, they want to. Then I'm all for it. But I'm not going to waste effort.
To some of my readers (wow, that sounds pretentious lol), that might seem cold, or uncompassionate. But just know that I DID try. Unfortunately, people continually prove that they aren't really all that different from the ones that came before - most of them anyway. They cycle once again through the same patterns of assumptions and snap judgments and shallow stupidities. Only a few escape from that. Those are the ones I admire and cherish.
So, as my world changes slowly, and I prepare for the world that it coming, I reminisce and reflect on what I leave behind. It's bittersweet. But the sweet overcomes the bitter. I look forward to a new life, where I can start fresh, and bring in only the influences that I desire. It'll probably be less ideal than I imagine (how sad, on some levels, to have lost my idealism and my naivete), but it'll still be a world in which I have more control of my fate. And that, I hope, will be worth all the years it's taken to get there.
So, with this concept in mind, for the last year or so I've been getting more or less used to that idea. It's a roller coaster sometimes, and occasionally I get caught up in the intricacies and ridiculousness of the mini-universe that is a college theatre department. Wisdom is pretty thin on the ground (not that I necessarily have any either), and people's judgment is almost always some mix of impaired, influenced, invisible, or idiotic. But a few people are able to break through the skin of petty gossip and popularity contests, and make me grateful for this time in my life.
I'm more and more distant from those starting this journey, and sometimes it's hard for me to be less connected. But it's also good. Some of the kids starting in my department are...well, to put it bluntly, they're dumb. They have no idea what they're getting into as they experiment with alcohol and sex and other things. A large (teacher) part of me wants to help them figure it out and prevent them from screwing up their lives too much. But the fact that I'm getting older (full circle!) means that they think I'm stupid, or boring, or condescending, or whatever. Or just old. Which normally would be a crisis of self-esteem for me...but it's less and less so. It's almost not worth it to develop a friendship that will likely only last a year. Or less. Unless, of course, they want to. Then I'm all for it. But I'm not going to waste effort.
To some of my readers (wow, that sounds pretentious lol), that might seem cold, or uncompassionate. But just know that I DID try. Unfortunately, people continually prove that they aren't really all that different from the ones that came before - most of them anyway. They cycle once again through the same patterns of assumptions and snap judgments and shallow stupidities. Only a few escape from that. Those are the ones I admire and cherish.
So, as my world changes slowly, and I prepare for the world that it coming, I reminisce and reflect on what I leave behind. It's bittersweet. But the sweet overcomes the bitter. I look forward to a new life, where I can start fresh, and bring in only the influences that I desire. It'll probably be less ideal than I imagine (how sad, on some levels, to have lost my idealism and my naivete), but it'll still be a world in which I have more control of my fate. And that, I hope, will be worth all the years it's taken to get there.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Clarity
So, I've realized something a little disconcerting about myself as a person:
I tend to believe the best in people, so much so that I forget all about or explain away the bad stuff in them. This has gotten me into trouble in the past, as clearly evidenced by earlier entries in this blog! :-P
Ergo, I think I'm going to write down some of the things that I often fail to fully recognize, things that make me feel bad when done to me, or things that I can't handle, or whatever you want to label them as.
I'm sure, by the way, for those that hate me who randomly see this entry, that I'm guilty of some of these things myself. But when I am, I feel sure that it's either unconscious, or something that I absolutely despise in myself as well as in others. I'm at least that much of a non-hypocrite.
I hate lies. Don't lie to me. If you don't want to tell me something, that's FINE, but don't tell me a lie.
I hate feeling ignored. If I talk to you all the time, it's because I enjoy you and your conversation and your company. If you don't like mine, please don't pretend to like it but "accidentally" fail to respond a lot. If you DO like interacting with me...then DO. Stop blowing me off. Even just taking the time to explain why you can't or didn't answer is fine. Just don't completely ignore me!
To (ironically) quote La Cage aux Folles: "I am what I am." When I tell you who and what I am, for heavens sake, don't try to convince me I'm something else. It's insensitive and rude and, sorry to say it, stupid. I'm 26. I know I'm no Aristotle, but I'm a fairly sharp man, and on top of that, I'm almost unhealthily introspective. I know who I am. If that changes, I promise I'll figure it out without you. Trust me. Trust my acknowledgment of my fortes and my failings, and stop challenging that. Heaven knows, I'm challenging enough as it is.
If you are the type of person who mocks (or even "gently teases") me for the rules that I follow, but you break your own rules all the time, don't be surprised if I really don't like that about you. I find it cowardly and dishonest. If nothing else, make up rules for yourself that are consistent with your behavior. But stop being a hypocrite.
If you're fake, it might take me a long time to see through you. But when I do, I will most likely stop talking to you, and what interaction we do have will become just as fake on my part. Insincere positivity/intimacy/affection is creepy and weird. If you can't be sincere, don't do it.
If a person craves attention, I'll probably offer some. But if you become a leech, I will detach you. By force, if necessary. I hate when it's necessary.
Any form of using another person sucks. For whatever reason. I will dislike it if you do it. And guess what? I'LL TELL YOU SO. I'll probably try to be as nice as possible about it, but I'll say it, if we're friends. Oh, and by the way, manipulation counts as using someone.
Last, but not least, I actually have a belief system, and I actually believe it, and I actually think that it generally applies to human beings. I won't ever try to enforce it or expect anyone else to do it (unless they've said they will), but I'll probably try to convince you not to go against it, as I believe that it'll make you unhappy. So when I say I don't like it when you drink, or smoke pot, or sleep around, or whatever, it's not because I think you're a bad person. It's because I think it could turn you into a worse person. So stop thinking I'm judgmental, when what I want is for you to be happy.
I think that pretty much covers it! Other than these things I can deal with about anything. Contrary to the general feeling of this post, I deeply love most of my friends, and they're great people. But now that I've written this list down, I have something with which to recognize the people I don't need in my life. Hopefully it will be useful!
I tend to believe the best in people, so much so that I forget all about or explain away the bad stuff in them. This has gotten me into trouble in the past, as clearly evidenced by earlier entries in this blog! :-P
Ergo, I think I'm going to write down some of the things that I often fail to fully recognize, things that make me feel bad when done to me, or things that I can't handle, or whatever you want to label them as.
I'm sure, by the way, for those that hate me who randomly see this entry, that I'm guilty of some of these things myself. But when I am, I feel sure that it's either unconscious, or something that I absolutely despise in myself as well as in others. I'm at least that much of a non-hypocrite.
I hate lies. Don't lie to me. If you don't want to tell me something, that's FINE, but don't tell me a lie.
I hate feeling ignored. If I talk to you all the time, it's because I enjoy you and your conversation and your company. If you don't like mine, please don't pretend to like it but "accidentally" fail to respond a lot. If you DO like interacting with me...then DO. Stop blowing me off. Even just taking the time to explain why you can't or didn't answer is fine. Just don't completely ignore me!
To (ironically) quote La Cage aux Folles: "I am what I am." When I tell you who and what I am, for heavens sake, don't try to convince me I'm something else. It's insensitive and rude and, sorry to say it, stupid. I'm 26. I know I'm no Aristotle, but I'm a fairly sharp man, and on top of that, I'm almost unhealthily introspective. I know who I am. If that changes, I promise I'll figure it out without you. Trust me. Trust my acknowledgment of my fortes and my failings, and stop challenging that. Heaven knows, I'm challenging enough as it is.
If you are the type of person who mocks (or even "gently teases") me for the rules that I follow, but you break your own rules all the time, don't be surprised if I really don't like that about you. I find it cowardly and dishonest. If nothing else, make up rules for yourself that are consistent with your behavior. But stop being a hypocrite.
If you're fake, it might take me a long time to see through you. But when I do, I will most likely stop talking to you, and what interaction we do have will become just as fake on my part. Insincere positivity/intimacy/affection is creepy and weird. If you can't be sincere, don't do it.
If a person craves attention, I'll probably offer some. But if you become a leech, I will detach you. By force, if necessary. I hate when it's necessary.
Any form of using another person sucks. For whatever reason. I will dislike it if you do it. And guess what? I'LL TELL YOU SO. I'll probably try to be as nice as possible about it, but I'll say it, if we're friends. Oh, and by the way, manipulation counts as using someone.
Last, but not least, I actually have a belief system, and I actually believe it, and I actually think that it generally applies to human beings. I won't ever try to enforce it or expect anyone else to do it (unless they've said they will), but I'll probably try to convince you not to go against it, as I believe that it'll make you unhappy. So when I say I don't like it when you drink, or smoke pot, or sleep around, or whatever, it's not because I think you're a bad person. It's because I think it could turn you into a worse person. So stop thinking I'm judgmental, when what I want is for you to be happy.
I think that pretty much covers it! Other than these things I can deal with about anything. Contrary to the general feeling of this post, I deeply love most of my friends, and they're great people. But now that I've written this list down, I have something with which to recognize the people I don't need in my life. Hopefully it will be useful!
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Moving On
"I chose, and my world was shaken - so what? The choice may have been mistaken; the choosing was not. You have to move on. Look at what you want, not at where you are. Not at where you'll be." - Stephen Sondheim, Sunday in the Park With George
What changes my life has undergone in recent weeks. I've lost a former friend and regained significant sanity as a result. I've clarified several relationships: rebuilt trust with some, and lost it with others. I've rediscovered that although I want to be best friends with the whole world, I usually only need one person. I've also experienced success in the face of failure's shadow.
Most people that know me - at least from what I can gather - know only half of me. They know rumor and gossip, or they know what they see of me in class or onstage. Or they may even know what I say, how I define myself. But only a very few know my strengths and my weaknesses, my whole, present story. Only a few care. Only a few dare to take a chance on me. Whether they are rewarded for that risk or not, you would have to ask them. But the important thing is that when all is said and done, they're on my side. They are the few who refuse to talk about me behind my back. Who understand my decisions, good or bad. And who help me to move on.
In this time of transition - from one semester to another, one program to another, and one house to another - I'm a bit lost. Nobody really cares about me in the house I'm currently in. They're polite, but I know none of them really like me. And that's...half a hurt. I genuinely liked everyone here at some point. But we fought and grew apart over my mistakes or theirs. And forgiveness isn't really a thing that they go for, it seems. But oh well. The transitions that I'm making also include one group of friends to another, I suppose.
So, I'm trying to ignore where I am now, and look forward. It may be the largest overall change that I've undergone in about 7 years. Quite frankly, I'm a bit terrified. But I know - with those few who actually care - that I can DO IT.
What changes my life has undergone in recent weeks. I've lost a former friend and regained significant sanity as a result. I've clarified several relationships: rebuilt trust with some, and lost it with others. I've rediscovered that although I want to be best friends with the whole world, I usually only need one person. I've also experienced success in the face of failure's shadow.
Most people that know me - at least from what I can gather - know only half of me. They know rumor and gossip, or they know what they see of me in class or onstage. Or they may even know what I say, how I define myself. But only a very few know my strengths and my weaknesses, my whole, present story. Only a few care. Only a few dare to take a chance on me. Whether they are rewarded for that risk or not, you would have to ask them. But the important thing is that when all is said and done, they're on my side. They are the few who refuse to talk about me behind my back. Who understand my decisions, good or bad. And who help me to move on.
In this time of transition - from one semester to another, one program to another, and one house to another - I'm a bit lost. Nobody really cares about me in the house I'm currently in. They're polite, but I know none of them really like me. And that's...half a hurt. I genuinely liked everyone here at some point. But we fought and grew apart over my mistakes or theirs. And forgiveness isn't really a thing that they go for, it seems. But oh well. The transitions that I'm making also include one group of friends to another, I suppose.
So, I'm trying to ignore where I am now, and look forward. It may be the largest overall change that I've undergone in about 7 years. Quite frankly, I'm a bit terrified. But I know - with those few who actually care - that I can DO IT.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Paradoxes
So, if you decide to read this, just be prepared. I may have your head spinning by the end.
Sometimes being the "bad" guy is the best thing you can do. There's a person in my life who I care deeply about, who refuses to make choices that will gain or maintain his independence. I'm not sure what the motivation is for this, maybe fear, maybe pride, I don't know. But he clings like a vise, and will not sustain himself in any significant way. This has become extremely unhealthy, for both him and me.
And so, I had to let him go. I felt (feel, still, sometimes) like a cruel, uncaring, despicable person. I know, rationally, that I'm not. But emotions, unfortunately, are very rarely rational. I had to cut him off, because he wouldn't let ME go. Had to eliminate as much of his presence from my life as possible. Doesn't that sound horrible? It is. I hate it, so, so much.
But you know something? It's the right thing. I can't justify sacrificing my own sanity to make him feel temporarily comforted...until the next humongous crisis in his daily life. I can't continue to give everything I have, and watch it be not enough. And I can't keep enabling him to manipulate, coerce, and guilt me into doing things I'm not okay with.
So, whether I'm the "bad" guy or not, I'm doing something good. It may be hurtful in the short term, but if he allows it to, it will help him immensely to learn and grow and improve. Not that I'm a poster child for perfection, by any means, but there is a line of social, mental, and emotional self-reliance that I have reached, and he hasn't. Maybe I sound judgmental or condescending. Trust me, that is not my feeling here. I want more than anything to help him - and all of my friends - but I can't do a thing if he is unable to utilize that.
It's frustrating. Beyond belief. But I'm doing the right thing. I think.
Sometimes being the "bad" guy is the best thing you can do. There's a person in my life who I care deeply about, who refuses to make choices that will gain or maintain his independence. I'm not sure what the motivation is for this, maybe fear, maybe pride, I don't know. But he clings like a vise, and will not sustain himself in any significant way. This has become extremely unhealthy, for both him and me.
And so, I had to let him go. I felt (feel, still, sometimes) like a cruel, uncaring, despicable person. I know, rationally, that I'm not. But emotions, unfortunately, are very rarely rational. I had to cut him off, because he wouldn't let ME go. Had to eliminate as much of his presence from my life as possible. Doesn't that sound horrible? It is. I hate it, so, so much.
But you know something? It's the right thing. I can't justify sacrificing my own sanity to make him feel temporarily comforted...until the next humongous crisis in his daily life. I can't continue to give everything I have, and watch it be not enough. And I can't keep enabling him to manipulate, coerce, and guilt me into doing things I'm not okay with.
So, whether I'm the "bad" guy or not, I'm doing something good. It may be hurtful in the short term, but if he allows it to, it will help him immensely to learn and grow and improve. Not that I'm a poster child for perfection, by any means, but there is a line of social, mental, and emotional self-reliance that I have reached, and he hasn't. Maybe I sound judgmental or condescending. Trust me, that is not my feeling here. I want more than anything to help him - and all of my friends - but I can't do a thing if he is unable to utilize that.
It's frustrating. Beyond belief. But I'm doing the right thing. I think.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Solo Nel Buio
I love Italian. It can communicate so much without giving anything away, if that makes sense.
What is the point of doing my best? People only hate me for it. It seems to be useless to try to do one's "best" unless one's best is perfection, for otherwise one's mistakes make everybody else view one as superior, hypocritical, and judgmental for even attempting to be good amidst one's failings.
How have insecurity and entitlement become such prevalent aspects of my generation? We are the luckiest, the richest, the longest-lived generation in the second half (at least) of the history of the world; and yet we waste our lives on pride, cruelty, backbiting, scorn, isolationism, pessimism, and problem-oriented thinking. They think of life in terms of scarcity. Almost everyone is out for themselves, just hoping to steal a little happiness, because if anyone else gets any, that somehow means there's less for the rest.
RIDICULOUS!
I am doing my best, and the rest of the world can go suck an egg. If the crafty and manipulative among us decide to take advantage of me for that, so be it. If those who are ashamed of their own lives choose to look at me with contempt for not living up to my own ideals, so be it. If there are those who cannot bow their heads occasionally and acknowledge their own fallibility, their own imperfection, their own need for brotherhood in this struggle of human existence, so be it.
I will not succumb to the crushing weight of mass-induced apathy.
I am strong. I choose to care. I choose to risk my heart to help as many as I can, and gain lasting and immeasurable benefits in return. If that risk results in the occasional heartbreak or betrayal, I will hurt...and then I will heal. And then I will risk again.
I will love. I will love everyone. Unfortunately, guess what? Sometimes that means disapproval. Love, even unconditional love, does NOT mean mindless agreement or being a doormat. In fact, just the opposite: if I think you are wrong, and you are going to hurt yourself, so help me, I will tell you. Feel free to disregard that, but it is built in to me. My love for my fellow wo/men dictates that I at least try.
I will respect each person's individual journey, and my care for them will not stop, but sometimes, if I am being dragged down, my association with those persons WILL stop. I will not sacrifice myself for someone who has decided they are their own lost cause.
And finally, I will hope. I'll hope for a day in the future when all my flaws and failings are stacked next to the good I intended, and actually accomplished. I will hope that when all is known, those who chose to hate will see that I bore them no ill will, and they will forgive the lesser parts of me.
Back into battle, and to communicate - to those who will listen - what the pure power of love and beauty can be.
What is the point of doing my best? People only hate me for it. It seems to be useless to try to do one's "best" unless one's best is perfection, for otherwise one's mistakes make everybody else view one as superior, hypocritical, and judgmental for even attempting to be good amidst one's failings.
How have insecurity and entitlement become such prevalent aspects of my generation? We are the luckiest, the richest, the longest-lived generation in the second half (at least) of the history of the world; and yet we waste our lives on pride, cruelty, backbiting, scorn, isolationism, pessimism, and problem-oriented thinking. They think of life in terms of scarcity. Almost everyone is out for themselves, just hoping to steal a little happiness, because if anyone else gets any, that somehow means there's less for the rest.
RIDICULOUS!
I am doing my best, and the rest of the world can go suck an egg. If the crafty and manipulative among us decide to take advantage of me for that, so be it. If those who are ashamed of their own lives choose to look at me with contempt for not living up to my own ideals, so be it. If there are those who cannot bow their heads occasionally and acknowledge their own fallibility, their own imperfection, their own need for brotherhood in this struggle of human existence, so be it.
I will not succumb to the crushing weight of mass-induced apathy.
I am strong. I choose to care. I choose to risk my heart to help as many as I can, and gain lasting and immeasurable benefits in return. If that risk results in the occasional heartbreak or betrayal, I will hurt...and then I will heal. And then I will risk again.
I will love. I will love everyone. Unfortunately, guess what? Sometimes that means disapproval. Love, even unconditional love, does NOT mean mindless agreement or being a doormat. In fact, just the opposite: if I think you are wrong, and you are going to hurt yourself, so help me, I will tell you. Feel free to disregard that, but it is built in to me. My love for my fellow wo/men dictates that I at least try.
I will respect each person's individual journey, and my care for them will not stop, but sometimes, if I am being dragged down, my association with those persons WILL stop. I will not sacrifice myself for someone who has decided they are their own lost cause.
And finally, I will hope. I'll hope for a day in the future when all my flaws and failings are stacked next to the good I intended, and actually accomplished. I will hope that when all is known, those who chose to hate will see that I bore them no ill will, and they will forgive the lesser parts of me.
Back into battle, and to communicate - to those who will listen - what the pure power of love and beauty can be.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
La Luce
Yikes. No update since October, eh? Better change that.
Life is a swirling vortex of tasks at the moment, most of which I am not sufficiently prepared for. I have too much to think about, and no time in which to actually think about it. I'm tearing along by the seat of pants, so to speak.
But the thing is...it's pretty good. I am very stressed, and finding the right balance of all my responsibilities is definitely a challenge, but...despite my frustrations, I'm pretty happy.
Isn't that, if you'll pardon the cliche, what life is about? Cultivating long-standing friendships, and planting the seeds of new ones. Planning for the future while living in the present. Being so busy you have no chance to be bored. Making mistakes, and then refusing to dwell on them. I like it.
My life is anything but ideal sometimes, and hopefully in a few more years it will take an upswing into delivering some of the dreams I've had for so long. But at the moment, there are a million twinkling lights in the darkness, and the soft brilliance of dawn is approaching. I can feel it. And that light is exactly what I'm waiting for.
Life is a swirling vortex of tasks at the moment, most of which I am not sufficiently prepared for. I have too much to think about, and no time in which to actually think about it. I'm tearing along by the seat of pants, so to speak.
But the thing is...it's pretty good. I am very stressed, and finding the right balance of all my responsibilities is definitely a challenge, but...despite my frustrations, I'm pretty happy.
Isn't that, if you'll pardon the cliche, what life is about? Cultivating long-standing friendships, and planting the seeds of new ones. Planning for the future while living in the present. Being so busy you have no chance to be bored. Making mistakes, and then refusing to dwell on them. I like it.
My life is anything but ideal sometimes, and hopefully in a few more years it will take an upswing into delivering some of the dreams I've had for so long. But at the moment, there are a million twinkling lights in the darkness, and the soft brilliance of dawn is approaching. I can feel it. And that light is exactly what I'm waiting for.
Monday, July 20, 2009
Balancing
My blog is not very positive most of the time is it?
I think that's because "When I have to write," it's usually because something traumatic or disconcerting has happened. I don't usually feel like I have to write when everything is going well.
But right now I'm going to note quickly that this summer has been fairly good. Not as ideal as early indications predicted, but not awful either, not by a long shot. So, for now, I feel that my life is somewhat balanced out.
I'm still struggling to trust and be trusted sometimes, and to find the practical application of "hating the sin, but loving the sinner." The sinner most often being myself. But for the most part, things are okay.
That's all for now. Come what may, I suppose, and love it.
I think that's because "When I have to write," it's usually because something traumatic or disconcerting has happened. I don't usually feel like I have to write when everything is going well.
But right now I'm going to note quickly that this summer has been fairly good. Not as ideal as early indications predicted, but not awful either, not by a long shot. So, for now, I feel that my life is somewhat balanced out.
I'm still struggling to trust and be trusted sometimes, and to find the practical application of "hating the sin, but loving the sinner." The sinner most often being myself. But for the most part, things are okay.
That's all for now. Come what may, I suppose, and love it.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Possibility of Serenity
The past few weeks I've started to learn a few things.
One of them is that, as much as I want to, I can't control - or even influence - anyone, if they don't want it. And sometimes even if they do want it. And that's okay. I am often so consumed with the need to make people happy, that I make them angry or sad. Ironic eh? But I think it makes sense. Happiness is an intensely personal thing. It can't depend on or originate from another person. It has to be internal, and from God.
Another thing I've learned is that failure is okay. Failure is what we learn from, and we should expect failure, and accept failure. Always strive for success of course, but if things don't turn out like we want them to, it's nothing to be disappointed in. It's part of the process of our lives. Which leads to...
The third thing I've learned is that I need to try to be process-oriented more than product-oriented. In other words, I need to loosen up, balance my life, and enjoy the ride. If I spend my whole life worrying about what will happen at the end of it, nothing will happen in the middle of it...AND nothing will happen at the end! I must appreciate the journey, or I will never be satisfied with the destination.
Finally, I've learned that words can hurt. I can hurt others with my words, and I can be hurt by the words of others. This is a power that I don't like. Words that hurt aren't necessarily true - in fact I think that the truth, if it's really The Truth, by its very nature, builds us up instead of tearing us down - but words can be used for things other than the truth, and often those words can damage feelings and destroy relationships. So, I've determined that I want to let words have less effect on me. I will not provide fuel for any fires, and I will treat people better than they deserve. Hopefully that can stem the flow of hurtful words.
I realize that no one lesson or collection of lessons will take away all struggles in my life. But I have some faith that each lesson I learn will ease those struggles a little, or enable me to deal with them in a healthier way. And that my personal growth will continue.
One of them is that, as much as I want to, I can't control - or even influence - anyone, if they don't want it. And sometimes even if they do want it. And that's okay. I am often so consumed with the need to make people happy, that I make them angry or sad. Ironic eh? But I think it makes sense. Happiness is an intensely personal thing. It can't depend on or originate from another person. It has to be internal, and from God.
Another thing I've learned is that failure is okay. Failure is what we learn from, and we should expect failure, and accept failure. Always strive for success of course, but if things don't turn out like we want them to, it's nothing to be disappointed in. It's part of the process of our lives. Which leads to...
The third thing I've learned is that I need to try to be process-oriented more than product-oriented. In other words, I need to loosen up, balance my life, and enjoy the ride. If I spend my whole life worrying about what will happen at the end of it, nothing will happen in the middle of it...AND nothing will happen at the end! I must appreciate the journey, or I will never be satisfied with the destination.
Finally, I've learned that words can hurt. I can hurt others with my words, and I can be hurt by the words of others. This is a power that I don't like. Words that hurt aren't necessarily true - in fact I think that the truth, if it's really The Truth, by its very nature, builds us up instead of tearing us down - but words can be used for things other than the truth, and often those words can damage feelings and destroy relationships. So, I've determined that I want to let words have less effect on me. I will not provide fuel for any fires, and I will treat people better than they deserve. Hopefully that can stem the flow of hurtful words.
I realize that no one lesson or collection of lessons will take away all struggles in my life. But I have some faith that each lesson I learn will ease those struggles a little, or enable me to deal with them in a healthier way. And that my personal growth will continue.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Feeling like the bad guy...
Okay. Why is it when I see or learn of my friends doing something that I find distasteful or wrong, I feel like a terrible person? When I watch my friends get ridiculously drunk, to the point of doing idiotic, embarrassing things; or when I learn of the latest surrender to the impulse of two of my single friends to have sex with each other, why do I feel like the villain?
Granted, I make mistakes. Sometimes, when they are friends I trust not to do such things, I get upset at what I perceive to be a betrayal. Anger, bitterness, and jealousy have influenced me to make plenty of horrible choices in my own life. I understand intimately the desire to act on instinct, to abandon restraint, to "loosen up."
So, when my friends do these things, actions that most of society accepts without question, I should fall into the same mold, right? Live and let live, boys will be boys, etc., etc. Except I don't believe that crap. It's platitudinal nonsense. Humanity is inherently good, in my opinion, but society is consistently keen to take the path of least resistance. The problem is, without resistance, I can't build strength of any kind, physical or mental. I believe we should resist temptations rather than catering to them.
As a result of this abnormal conviction, I feel distinctly uncomfortable at parties where my friends are drunk; I don't feel confident or okay supporting my friends in actions I find offensive or morally wrong. I still smile, make an appearance, love my friends...but their choices are sometimes reprehensible to my mind and body.
So why do I always feel like I'm horrible for not wanting what they want?
Granted, I make mistakes. Sometimes, when they are friends I trust not to do such things, I get upset at what I perceive to be a betrayal. Anger, bitterness, and jealousy have influenced me to make plenty of horrible choices in my own life. I understand intimately the desire to act on instinct, to abandon restraint, to "loosen up."
So, when my friends do these things, actions that most of society accepts without question, I should fall into the same mold, right? Live and let live, boys will be boys, etc., etc. Except I don't believe that crap. It's platitudinal nonsense. Humanity is inherently good, in my opinion, but society is consistently keen to take the path of least resistance. The problem is, without resistance, I can't build strength of any kind, physical or mental. I believe we should resist temptations rather than catering to them.
As a result of this abnormal conviction, I feel distinctly uncomfortable at parties where my friends are drunk; I don't feel confident or okay supporting my friends in actions I find offensive or morally wrong. I still smile, make an appearance, love my friends...but their choices are sometimes reprehensible to my mind and body.
So why do I always feel like I'm horrible for not wanting what they want?
Monday, September 1, 2008
Relief
Things are getting better. The first week of school has come and gone, and things are looking up. My show is almost over, I may be starting another one (or two) tomorrow, and my friendships have taken an upswing. Thank goodness!! This is going to be a killer semester, I can already tell, what with five million things all happening at once. But as today is the start of September, I am rebooting my life as a whole, and surfing the crest of these positive events. I know it isn't permanent, but hopefully I can "gird my loins" for rough times that may be ahead. I also LOVE meeting new people, which of course I've been doing all week, what with the overload of new freshmen. I hope they stick around!
Monday, August 18, 2008
Catch-22
It seems like I'm always at odds with my friends. I am, by nature, a helper, which sometimes translates into me being nosy, or controlling, or interfering. I'm also a really smart person, which makes it hard for me to keep my opinion to myself. As a result, my friends sometimes don't like me, when my opinion about how best to help them conflicts with what they want. What is the best way to solve this problem? No idea. I'm generally all right at backing off, and honoring a person's journey. But two things are working against me in the cases in point: first, I truly care about these friends, and whether they end up happy, and the choices they are making are harmful to themselves and to me: I hurt when they screw up. The second thing is that one of them has asked for my help. I'm doing my best to be available without being bossy; it doesn't always work, and we've had our fights, but I'm doing the best I can. But the hard thing is when he is either persuaded by my other friend to give in, or he decides personally to take advantage of my trust, and "protect" me by withholding his feelings. I've tried to communicate to them that this doesn't work, but it persists. What do I do? I cannot abandon my friends, but neither can I support the destructive things they are doing. Which side of the fence must I land on?
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