Resolved:
First, to be sensible about everything that follows in this resolution blog.
Second, to graduate, get a job (i.e., career), and save money this year.
Third, to put aside some specific self-improvement resolutions as "Just January"s.
And finally, to face my fears of change. I'll soon be leaving school, and friends, and striking out on my own. My life is going to be different. I'm determined to make it different. I'm not foolish enough to believe that I'll have total control over this, but I'm also not passive enough to leave it up to chance. I feel as though I'm a surgeon, preparing to perform a heart transplant on my whole existence. I can't be afraid to cut out the parts that are unhealthy for me. Nor to embrace the parts that sustain me. So....2011...big, bright, beautiful world...here I come.
Showing posts with label control. Show all posts
Showing posts with label control. Show all posts
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Speaking in Code
Ever felt like other people were talking in a way that just wasn't understandable?
I mean, you can understand them, they're using all the right words, you just have the sneaking suspicion that there's a meaning somewhere that you're missing. Like they're using a code.
I bet you have.
As a matter of fact, most people complain about it all the time. It's the primary grounds for miscommunications between the sexes. It's the reason why half the time we don't do our homework right, or fail to get it in on time. It's the explanation for most of the tension between parents and kids.
"They just don't make any sense!"
Well, actually they do. Just not to everyone else. I had an experience like that today. I was having a conversation with my friend, and we suddenly, silently, subtly slipped into a coded conversation. I knew the content wasn't mean-spirited or hostile, but for some reason I was speaking a different language than my friend. It took me a while to realize this, but when I did, I came to understand a couple of other significant things about myself.
Most humans hear codes, and guess. Think about it: how many guys or girls would have girl/boyfriends if they didn't just say to themselves, "Ya know, I have no clue what s/he means by that, but gosh, s/he's cute, so I'll just pretend I do, and it'll all work out"? Relationships would be few and far between. They might be more successful, too, on average, but there sure wouldn't be as many.
Not too many people have the patience to sit down and decode. A lot of that has to do, I think, with the fact that in order to decipher another person's code, you need the other person. Plus they have to be willing. Plus they have to have enough of a basic level of articulation about themselves and their own thoughts and feelings that they can even decipher their own code. Plus you have to have both of those things as well. Plus you both have to like each other, and be lucky along with the rest of it.
Unfortunately, I have to understand the codes.
It's one of my chief insecurities: knowledge is power. If I don't know, and it's important to me, I will find out, eventually. If I'm wrong, I'll admit it, apologize, and then find out what the answer is so I'm never wrong about that again. I have a very, very hard time being comfortable with not understanding and not caring whether I do or not. As such, my immediate reaction, when confronted with these innumerable behavioral and conversational "codes," is the desire to sit down and...decode!
This sucks for me for a few reasons. First and foremost, it endangers many of my relationships right off the bat. What girl wants to date a guy who a) moves slower than cold molasses because he wants to "understand" things, b) actually attempts to sit down and interpret her feelings, and c) eventually snuffs out any mystery in the relationship because he already knows what she's thinking?! Not many, that's how many. Secondly, if I'm caught off guard, and someone that I think I've "decoded" suddenly gets a new code I've never seen before, it throws me for a loop. I don't know how to react. And since I've never developed the ability to "guess" like every other human, I run away. It takes a really kind person to follow me and figure out what's up after that.
Codes are a part of life. I enjoy figuring them out, usually. But sometimes, they become a very dangerous thing. I hope I can learn how to deal with them better, before I accidentally misread something, get skittish, and/or lose someone important.
I mean, you can understand them, they're using all the right words, you just have the sneaking suspicion that there's a meaning somewhere that you're missing. Like they're using a code.
I bet you have.
As a matter of fact, most people complain about it all the time. It's the primary grounds for miscommunications between the sexes. It's the reason why half the time we don't do our homework right, or fail to get it in on time. It's the explanation for most of the tension between parents and kids.
"They just don't make any sense!"
Well, actually they do. Just not to everyone else. I had an experience like that today. I was having a conversation with my friend, and we suddenly, silently, subtly slipped into a coded conversation. I knew the content wasn't mean-spirited or hostile, but for some reason I was speaking a different language than my friend. It took me a while to realize this, but when I did, I came to understand a couple of other significant things about myself.
Most humans hear codes, and guess. Think about it: how many guys or girls would have girl/boyfriends if they didn't just say to themselves, "Ya know, I have no clue what s/he means by that, but gosh, s/he's cute, so I'll just pretend I do, and it'll all work out"? Relationships would be few and far between. They might be more successful, too, on average, but there sure wouldn't be as many.
Not too many people have the patience to sit down and decode. A lot of that has to do, I think, with the fact that in order to decipher another person's code, you need the other person. Plus they have to be willing. Plus they have to have enough of a basic level of articulation about themselves and their own thoughts and feelings that they can even decipher their own code. Plus you have to have both of those things as well. Plus you both have to like each other, and be lucky along with the rest of it.
Unfortunately, I have to understand the codes.
It's one of my chief insecurities: knowledge is power. If I don't know, and it's important to me, I will find out, eventually. If I'm wrong, I'll admit it, apologize, and then find out what the answer is so I'm never wrong about that again. I have a very, very hard time being comfortable with not understanding and not caring whether I do or not. As such, my immediate reaction, when confronted with these innumerable behavioral and conversational "codes," is the desire to sit down and...decode!
This sucks for me for a few reasons. First and foremost, it endangers many of my relationships right off the bat. What girl wants to date a guy who a) moves slower than cold molasses because he wants to "understand" things, b) actually attempts to sit down and interpret her feelings, and c) eventually snuffs out any mystery in the relationship because he already knows what she's thinking?! Not many, that's how many. Secondly, if I'm caught off guard, and someone that I think I've "decoded" suddenly gets a new code I've never seen before, it throws me for a loop. I don't know how to react. And since I've never developed the ability to "guess" like every other human, I run away. It takes a really kind person to follow me and figure out what's up after that.
Codes are a part of life. I enjoy figuring them out, usually. But sometimes, they become a very dangerous thing. I hope I can learn how to deal with them better, before I accidentally misread something, get skittish, and/or lose someone important.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Possibility of Serenity
The past few weeks I've started to learn a few things.
One of them is that, as much as I want to, I can't control - or even influence - anyone, if they don't want it. And sometimes even if they do want it. And that's okay. I am often so consumed with the need to make people happy, that I make them angry or sad. Ironic eh? But I think it makes sense. Happiness is an intensely personal thing. It can't depend on or originate from another person. It has to be internal, and from God.
Another thing I've learned is that failure is okay. Failure is what we learn from, and we should expect failure, and accept failure. Always strive for success of course, but if things don't turn out like we want them to, it's nothing to be disappointed in. It's part of the process of our lives. Which leads to...
The third thing I've learned is that I need to try to be process-oriented more than product-oriented. In other words, I need to loosen up, balance my life, and enjoy the ride. If I spend my whole life worrying about what will happen at the end of it, nothing will happen in the middle of it...AND nothing will happen at the end! I must appreciate the journey, or I will never be satisfied with the destination.
Finally, I've learned that words can hurt. I can hurt others with my words, and I can be hurt by the words of others. This is a power that I don't like. Words that hurt aren't necessarily true - in fact I think that the truth, if it's really The Truth, by its very nature, builds us up instead of tearing us down - but words can be used for things other than the truth, and often those words can damage feelings and destroy relationships. So, I've determined that I want to let words have less effect on me. I will not provide fuel for any fires, and I will treat people better than they deserve. Hopefully that can stem the flow of hurtful words.
I realize that no one lesson or collection of lessons will take away all struggles in my life. But I have some faith that each lesson I learn will ease those struggles a little, or enable me to deal with them in a healthier way. And that my personal growth will continue.
One of them is that, as much as I want to, I can't control - or even influence - anyone, if they don't want it. And sometimes even if they do want it. And that's okay. I am often so consumed with the need to make people happy, that I make them angry or sad. Ironic eh? But I think it makes sense. Happiness is an intensely personal thing. It can't depend on or originate from another person. It has to be internal, and from God.
Another thing I've learned is that failure is okay. Failure is what we learn from, and we should expect failure, and accept failure. Always strive for success of course, but if things don't turn out like we want them to, it's nothing to be disappointed in. It's part of the process of our lives. Which leads to...
The third thing I've learned is that I need to try to be process-oriented more than product-oriented. In other words, I need to loosen up, balance my life, and enjoy the ride. If I spend my whole life worrying about what will happen at the end of it, nothing will happen in the middle of it...AND nothing will happen at the end! I must appreciate the journey, or I will never be satisfied with the destination.
Finally, I've learned that words can hurt. I can hurt others with my words, and I can be hurt by the words of others. This is a power that I don't like. Words that hurt aren't necessarily true - in fact I think that the truth, if it's really The Truth, by its very nature, builds us up instead of tearing us down - but words can be used for things other than the truth, and often those words can damage feelings and destroy relationships. So, I've determined that I want to let words have less effect on me. I will not provide fuel for any fires, and I will treat people better than they deserve. Hopefully that can stem the flow of hurtful words.
I realize that no one lesson or collection of lessons will take away all struggles in my life. But I have some faith that each lesson I learn will ease those struggles a little, or enable me to deal with them in a healthier way. And that my personal growth will continue.
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