For one of the only times in recent memory, I'm writing, not because I HAVE to write, but because I want to. I've just been thinking lately - nothing major or dramatic has been happening, I'm not struggling with relationships or decisions, I'm not on an emotional high or low - just thinking.
And what I've been thinking about is the nature of the human connection. I just turned 27 two weeks ago, and I'm almost done with college (knock on wood). However, I spend 8 hours a day around high school kids, and much of my free time around other college students who are often much younger than me. A lot of times I expect things from them that I'm once again realizing they haven't reached yet.
Don't get me wrong - I'm not saying I'm so much more mature or wise than anyone else. In many ways I'm probably pretty dumb. But I have learned a few lessons in my quarter-century, and I need to be reminded sometimes that others' paces don't match my own - they'll learn those lessons when their time is right.
It seems like I've always been "goin' on 40" - as in, "He's 12, goin' on 40." I've always been mature for my age in many respects (probably an effect of loving to read), and that's been kind of awesome and kind of terrible. It means that I often get trusted with significant responsibilities, and I (hopefully) do my best to deliver. It also means that, especially when it comes to relationships, I'm usually dealing with an "age gap." I'm at the point where looks are secondary, and conversation and companionship are first and foremost. Where I don't feel stupid for making simple mistakes or taking risks, or asking straight out for what I want. Where I don't feel any obligation to hide my flaws because of What Other People Think - nor do I feel any obligation to share them. The point where games suck.
Most of the people I know and am around all day agree with these things, theoretically. They claim they know all of it from personal experience. But the game-playing goes on and on - the preoccupation with looks or religion or sexuality or something continues unabated. And to me, it's so obvious. I raise my eyebrow at the folks who think nobody knows about the games they play. Sure, ladies and gents, you may not be playing Candyland anymore, but chess still counts as a game....
I probably sound disgruntled, and I'm not really. Just mildly disappointed, I guess, but also hopeful. There have to be a few kindred spirits out there, the select few who are actually 15 years older than their age. One day I'll find one (who is Mormon, straight, beautiful, and talented. Ha! The irony!) and we'll connect, finally. I just have to be ready to move on when the time is right so that can happen.
Showing posts with label learning. Show all posts
Showing posts with label learning. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Changing Worlds
I'm getting older. A lot of people who know me laugh and roll their eyes when I say that, and to an extent I join them. I'm only 26, and realistically I have a long time to live, barring anything tragic (knock on wood). But I've surpassed my childhood and my teenage years, moved out of my family's house, graduated high school, and soon college, and begun to embark on my career path. After this April - even if, in the future, I change employers, or move to different cities at some point, or land a fantastic position somewhere - the rest of my life will be pretty much the same routine: sleep, work at something I mostly enjoy, interact with the people I enjoy spending time with, rinse, repeat. The only things that could conceivably change the course of my life's "flavor" would be marriage and kids.
So, with this concept in mind, for the last year or so I've been getting more or less used to that idea. It's a roller coaster sometimes, and occasionally I get caught up in the intricacies and ridiculousness of the mini-universe that is a college theatre department. Wisdom is pretty thin on the ground (not that I necessarily have any either), and people's judgment is almost always some mix of impaired, influenced, invisible, or idiotic. But a few people are able to break through the skin of petty gossip and popularity contests, and make me grateful for this time in my life.
I'm more and more distant from those starting this journey, and sometimes it's hard for me to be less connected. But it's also good. Some of the kids starting in my department are...well, to put it bluntly, they're dumb. They have no idea what they're getting into as they experiment with alcohol and sex and other things. A large (teacher) part of me wants to help them figure it out and prevent them from screwing up their lives too much. But the fact that I'm getting older (full circle!) means that they think I'm stupid, or boring, or condescending, or whatever. Or just old. Which normally would be a crisis of self-esteem for me...but it's less and less so. It's almost not worth it to develop a friendship that will likely only last a year. Or less. Unless, of course, they want to. Then I'm all for it. But I'm not going to waste effort.
To some of my readers (wow, that sounds pretentious lol), that might seem cold, or uncompassionate. But just know that I DID try. Unfortunately, people continually prove that they aren't really all that different from the ones that came before - most of them anyway. They cycle once again through the same patterns of assumptions and snap judgments and shallow stupidities. Only a few escape from that. Those are the ones I admire and cherish.
So, as my world changes slowly, and I prepare for the world that it coming, I reminisce and reflect on what I leave behind. It's bittersweet. But the sweet overcomes the bitter. I look forward to a new life, where I can start fresh, and bring in only the influences that I desire. It'll probably be less ideal than I imagine (how sad, on some levels, to have lost my idealism and my naivete), but it'll still be a world in which I have more control of my fate. And that, I hope, will be worth all the years it's taken to get there.
So, with this concept in mind, for the last year or so I've been getting more or less used to that idea. It's a roller coaster sometimes, and occasionally I get caught up in the intricacies and ridiculousness of the mini-universe that is a college theatre department. Wisdom is pretty thin on the ground (not that I necessarily have any either), and people's judgment is almost always some mix of impaired, influenced, invisible, or idiotic. But a few people are able to break through the skin of petty gossip and popularity contests, and make me grateful for this time in my life.
I'm more and more distant from those starting this journey, and sometimes it's hard for me to be less connected. But it's also good. Some of the kids starting in my department are...well, to put it bluntly, they're dumb. They have no idea what they're getting into as they experiment with alcohol and sex and other things. A large (teacher) part of me wants to help them figure it out and prevent them from screwing up their lives too much. But the fact that I'm getting older (full circle!) means that they think I'm stupid, or boring, or condescending, or whatever. Or just old. Which normally would be a crisis of self-esteem for me...but it's less and less so. It's almost not worth it to develop a friendship that will likely only last a year. Or less. Unless, of course, they want to. Then I'm all for it. But I'm not going to waste effort.
To some of my readers (wow, that sounds pretentious lol), that might seem cold, or uncompassionate. But just know that I DID try. Unfortunately, people continually prove that they aren't really all that different from the ones that came before - most of them anyway. They cycle once again through the same patterns of assumptions and snap judgments and shallow stupidities. Only a few escape from that. Those are the ones I admire and cherish.
So, as my world changes slowly, and I prepare for the world that it coming, I reminisce and reflect on what I leave behind. It's bittersweet. But the sweet overcomes the bitter. I look forward to a new life, where I can start fresh, and bring in only the influences that I desire. It'll probably be less ideal than I imagine (how sad, on some levels, to have lost my idealism and my naivete), but it'll still be a world in which I have more control of my fate. And that, I hope, will be worth all the years it's taken to get there.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Clarity
So, I've realized something a little disconcerting about myself as a person:
I tend to believe the best in people, so much so that I forget all about or explain away the bad stuff in them. This has gotten me into trouble in the past, as clearly evidenced by earlier entries in this blog! :-P
Ergo, I think I'm going to write down some of the things that I often fail to fully recognize, things that make me feel bad when done to me, or things that I can't handle, or whatever you want to label them as.
I'm sure, by the way, for those that hate me who randomly see this entry, that I'm guilty of some of these things myself. But when I am, I feel sure that it's either unconscious, or something that I absolutely despise in myself as well as in others. I'm at least that much of a non-hypocrite.
I hate lies. Don't lie to me. If you don't want to tell me something, that's FINE, but don't tell me a lie.
I hate feeling ignored. If I talk to you all the time, it's because I enjoy you and your conversation and your company. If you don't like mine, please don't pretend to like it but "accidentally" fail to respond a lot. If you DO like interacting with me...then DO. Stop blowing me off. Even just taking the time to explain why you can't or didn't answer is fine. Just don't completely ignore me!
To (ironically) quote La Cage aux Folles: "I am what I am." When I tell you who and what I am, for heavens sake, don't try to convince me I'm something else. It's insensitive and rude and, sorry to say it, stupid. I'm 26. I know I'm no Aristotle, but I'm a fairly sharp man, and on top of that, I'm almost unhealthily introspective. I know who I am. If that changes, I promise I'll figure it out without you. Trust me. Trust my acknowledgment of my fortes and my failings, and stop challenging that. Heaven knows, I'm challenging enough as it is.
If you are the type of person who mocks (or even "gently teases") me for the rules that I follow, but you break your own rules all the time, don't be surprised if I really don't like that about you. I find it cowardly and dishonest. If nothing else, make up rules for yourself that are consistent with your behavior. But stop being a hypocrite.
If you're fake, it might take me a long time to see through you. But when I do, I will most likely stop talking to you, and what interaction we do have will become just as fake on my part. Insincere positivity/intimacy/affection is creepy and weird. If you can't be sincere, don't do it.
If a person craves attention, I'll probably offer some. But if you become a leech, I will detach you. By force, if necessary. I hate when it's necessary.
Any form of using another person sucks. For whatever reason. I will dislike it if you do it. And guess what? I'LL TELL YOU SO. I'll probably try to be as nice as possible about it, but I'll say it, if we're friends. Oh, and by the way, manipulation counts as using someone.
Last, but not least, I actually have a belief system, and I actually believe it, and I actually think that it generally applies to human beings. I won't ever try to enforce it or expect anyone else to do it (unless they've said they will), but I'll probably try to convince you not to go against it, as I believe that it'll make you unhappy. So when I say I don't like it when you drink, or smoke pot, or sleep around, or whatever, it's not because I think you're a bad person. It's because I think it could turn you into a worse person. So stop thinking I'm judgmental, when what I want is for you to be happy.
I think that pretty much covers it! Other than these things I can deal with about anything. Contrary to the general feeling of this post, I deeply love most of my friends, and they're great people. But now that I've written this list down, I have something with which to recognize the people I don't need in my life. Hopefully it will be useful!
I tend to believe the best in people, so much so that I forget all about or explain away the bad stuff in them. This has gotten me into trouble in the past, as clearly evidenced by earlier entries in this blog! :-P
Ergo, I think I'm going to write down some of the things that I often fail to fully recognize, things that make me feel bad when done to me, or things that I can't handle, or whatever you want to label them as.
I'm sure, by the way, for those that hate me who randomly see this entry, that I'm guilty of some of these things myself. But when I am, I feel sure that it's either unconscious, or something that I absolutely despise in myself as well as in others. I'm at least that much of a non-hypocrite.
I hate lies. Don't lie to me. If you don't want to tell me something, that's FINE, but don't tell me a lie.
I hate feeling ignored. If I talk to you all the time, it's because I enjoy you and your conversation and your company. If you don't like mine, please don't pretend to like it but "accidentally" fail to respond a lot. If you DO like interacting with me...then DO. Stop blowing me off. Even just taking the time to explain why you can't or didn't answer is fine. Just don't completely ignore me!
To (ironically) quote La Cage aux Folles: "I am what I am." When I tell you who and what I am, for heavens sake, don't try to convince me I'm something else. It's insensitive and rude and, sorry to say it, stupid. I'm 26. I know I'm no Aristotle, but I'm a fairly sharp man, and on top of that, I'm almost unhealthily introspective. I know who I am. If that changes, I promise I'll figure it out without you. Trust me. Trust my acknowledgment of my fortes and my failings, and stop challenging that. Heaven knows, I'm challenging enough as it is.
If you are the type of person who mocks (or even "gently teases") me for the rules that I follow, but you break your own rules all the time, don't be surprised if I really don't like that about you. I find it cowardly and dishonest. If nothing else, make up rules for yourself that are consistent with your behavior. But stop being a hypocrite.
If you're fake, it might take me a long time to see through you. But when I do, I will most likely stop talking to you, and what interaction we do have will become just as fake on my part. Insincere positivity/intimacy/affection is creepy and weird. If you can't be sincere, don't do it.
If a person craves attention, I'll probably offer some. But if you become a leech, I will detach you. By force, if necessary. I hate when it's necessary.
Any form of using another person sucks. For whatever reason. I will dislike it if you do it. And guess what? I'LL TELL YOU SO. I'll probably try to be as nice as possible about it, but I'll say it, if we're friends. Oh, and by the way, manipulation counts as using someone.
Last, but not least, I actually have a belief system, and I actually believe it, and I actually think that it generally applies to human beings. I won't ever try to enforce it or expect anyone else to do it (unless they've said they will), but I'll probably try to convince you not to go against it, as I believe that it'll make you unhappy. So when I say I don't like it when you drink, or smoke pot, or sleep around, or whatever, it's not because I think you're a bad person. It's because I think it could turn you into a worse person. So stop thinking I'm judgmental, when what I want is for you to be happy.
I think that pretty much covers it! Other than these things I can deal with about anything. Contrary to the general feeling of this post, I deeply love most of my friends, and they're great people. But now that I've written this list down, I have something with which to recognize the people I don't need in my life. Hopefully it will be useful!
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Paradoxes
So, if you decide to read this, just be prepared. I may have your head spinning by the end.
Sometimes being the "bad" guy is the best thing you can do. There's a person in my life who I care deeply about, who refuses to make choices that will gain or maintain his independence. I'm not sure what the motivation is for this, maybe fear, maybe pride, I don't know. But he clings like a vise, and will not sustain himself in any significant way. This has become extremely unhealthy, for both him and me.
And so, I had to let him go. I felt (feel, still, sometimes) like a cruel, uncaring, despicable person. I know, rationally, that I'm not. But emotions, unfortunately, are very rarely rational. I had to cut him off, because he wouldn't let ME go. Had to eliminate as much of his presence from my life as possible. Doesn't that sound horrible? It is. I hate it, so, so much.
But you know something? It's the right thing. I can't justify sacrificing my own sanity to make him feel temporarily comforted...until the next humongous crisis in his daily life. I can't continue to give everything I have, and watch it be not enough. And I can't keep enabling him to manipulate, coerce, and guilt me into doing things I'm not okay with.
So, whether I'm the "bad" guy or not, I'm doing something good. It may be hurtful in the short term, but if he allows it to, it will help him immensely to learn and grow and improve. Not that I'm a poster child for perfection, by any means, but there is a line of social, mental, and emotional self-reliance that I have reached, and he hasn't. Maybe I sound judgmental or condescending. Trust me, that is not my feeling here. I want more than anything to help him - and all of my friends - but I can't do a thing if he is unable to utilize that.
It's frustrating. Beyond belief. But I'm doing the right thing. I think.
Sometimes being the "bad" guy is the best thing you can do. There's a person in my life who I care deeply about, who refuses to make choices that will gain or maintain his independence. I'm not sure what the motivation is for this, maybe fear, maybe pride, I don't know. But he clings like a vise, and will not sustain himself in any significant way. This has become extremely unhealthy, for both him and me.
And so, I had to let him go. I felt (feel, still, sometimes) like a cruel, uncaring, despicable person. I know, rationally, that I'm not. But emotions, unfortunately, are very rarely rational. I had to cut him off, because he wouldn't let ME go. Had to eliminate as much of his presence from my life as possible. Doesn't that sound horrible? It is. I hate it, so, so much.
But you know something? It's the right thing. I can't justify sacrificing my own sanity to make him feel temporarily comforted...until the next humongous crisis in his daily life. I can't continue to give everything I have, and watch it be not enough. And I can't keep enabling him to manipulate, coerce, and guilt me into doing things I'm not okay with.
So, whether I'm the "bad" guy or not, I'm doing something good. It may be hurtful in the short term, but if he allows it to, it will help him immensely to learn and grow and improve. Not that I'm a poster child for perfection, by any means, but there is a line of social, mental, and emotional self-reliance that I have reached, and he hasn't. Maybe I sound judgmental or condescending. Trust me, that is not my feeling here. I want more than anything to help him - and all of my friends - but I can't do a thing if he is unable to utilize that.
It's frustrating. Beyond belief. But I'm doing the right thing. I think.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Solo Nel Buio
I love Italian. It can communicate so much without giving anything away, if that makes sense.
What is the point of doing my best? People only hate me for it. It seems to be useless to try to do one's "best" unless one's best is perfection, for otherwise one's mistakes make everybody else view one as superior, hypocritical, and judgmental for even attempting to be good amidst one's failings.
How have insecurity and entitlement become such prevalent aspects of my generation? We are the luckiest, the richest, the longest-lived generation in the second half (at least) of the history of the world; and yet we waste our lives on pride, cruelty, backbiting, scorn, isolationism, pessimism, and problem-oriented thinking. They think of life in terms of scarcity. Almost everyone is out for themselves, just hoping to steal a little happiness, because if anyone else gets any, that somehow means there's less for the rest.
RIDICULOUS!
I am doing my best, and the rest of the world can go suck an egg. If the crafty and manipulative among us decide to take advantage of me for that, so be it. If those who are ashamed of their own lives choose to look at me with contempt for not living up to my own ideals, so be it. If there are those who cannot bow their heads occasionally and acknowledge their own fallibility, their own imperfection, their own need for brotherhood in this struggle of human existence, so be it.
I will not succumb to the crushing weight of mass-induced apathy.
I am strong. I choose to care. I choose to risk my heart to help as many as I can, and gain lasting and immeasurable benefits in return. If that risk results in the occasional heartbreak or betrayal, I will hurt...and then I will heal. And then I will risk again.
I will love. I will love everyone. Unfortunately, guess what? Sometimes that means disapproval. Love, even unconditional love, does NOT mean mindless agreement or being a doormat. In fact, just the opposite: if I think you are wrong, and you are going to hurt yourself, so help me, I will tell you. Feel free to disregard that, but it is built in to me. My love for my fellow wo/men dictates that I at least try.
I will respect each person's individual journey, and my care for them will not stop, but sometimes, if I am being dragged down, my association with those persons WILL stop. I will not sacrifice myself for someone who has decided they are their own lost cause.
And finally, I will hope. I'll hope for a day in the future when all my flaws and failings are stacked next to the good I intended, and actually accomplished. I will hope that when all is known, those who chose to hate will see that I bore them no ill will, and they will forgive the lesser parts of me.
Back into battle, and to communicate - to those who will listen - what the pure power of love and beauty can be.
What is the point of doing my best? People only hate me for it. It seems to be useless to try to do one's "best" unless one's best is perfection, for otherwise one's mistakes make everybody else view one as superior, hypocritical, and judgmental for even attempting to be good amidst one's failings.
How have insecurity and entitlement become such prevalent aspects of my generation? We are the luckiest, the richest, the longest-lived generation in the second half (at least) of the history of the world; and yet we waste our lives on pride, cruelty, backbiting, scorn, isolationism, pessimism, and problem-oriented thinking. They think of life in terms of scarcity. Almost everyone is out for themselves, just hoping to steal a little happiness, because if anyone else gets any, that somehow means there's less for the rest.
RIDICULOUS!
I am doing my best, and the rest of the world can go suck an egg. If the crafty and manipulative among us decide to take advantage of me for that, so be it. If those who are ashamed of their own lives choose to look at me with contempt for not living up to my own ideals, so be it. If there are those who cannot bow their heads occasionally and acknowledge their own fallibility, their own imperfection, their own need for brotherhood in this struggle of human existence, so be it.
I will not succumb to the crushing weight of mass-induced apathy.
I am strong. I choose to care. I choose to risk my heart to help as many as I can, and gain lasting and immeasurable benefits in return. If that risk results in the occasional heartbreak or betrayal, I will hurt...and then I will heal. And then I will risk again.
I will love. I will love everyone. Unfortunately, guess what? Sometimes that means disapproval. Love, even unconditional love, does NOT mean mindless agreement or being a doormat. In fact, just the opposite: if I think you are wrong, and you are going to hurt yourself, so help me, I will tell you. Feel free to disregard that, but it is built in to me. My love for my fellow wo/men dictates that I at least try.
I will respect each person's individual journey, and my care for them will not stop, but sometimes, if I am being dragged down, my association with those persons WILL stop. I will not sacrifice myself for someone who has decided they are their own lost cause.
And finally, I will hope. I'll hope for a day in the future when all my flaws and failings are stacked next to the good I intended, and actually accomplished. I will hope that when all is known, those who chose to hate will see that I bore them no ill will, and they will forgive the lesser parts of me.
Back into battle, and to communicate - to those who will listen - what the pure power of love and beauty can be.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Possibility of Serenity
The past few weeks I've started to learn a few things.
One of them is that, as much as I want to, I can't control - or even influence - anyone, if they don't want it. And sometimes even if they do want it. And that's okay. I am often so consumed with the need to make people happy, that I make them angry or sad. Ironic eh? But I think it makes sense. Happiness is an intensely personal thing. It can't depend on or originate from another person. It has to be internal, and from God.
Another thing I've learned is that failure is okay. Failure is what we learn from, and we should expect failure, and accept failure. Always strive for success of course, but if things don't turn out like we want them to, it's nothing to be disappointed in. It's part of the process of our lives. Which leads to...
The third thing I've learned is that I need to try to be process-oriented more than product-oriented. In other words, I need to loosen up, balance my life, and enjoy the ride. If I spend my whole life worrying about what will happen at the end of it, nothing will happen in the middle of it...AND nothing will happen at the end! I must appreciate the journey, or I will never be satisfied with the destination.
Finally, I've learned that words can hurt. I can hurt others with my words, and I can be hurt by the words of others. This is a power that I don't like. Words that hurt aren't necessarily true - in fact I think that the truth, if it's really The Truth, by its very nature, builds us up instead of tearing us down - but words can be used for things other than the truth, and often those words can damage feelings and destroy relationships. So, I've determined that I want to let words have less effect on me. I will not provide fuel for any fires, and I will treat people better than they deserve. Hopefully that can stem the flow of hurtful words.
I realize that no one lesson or collection of lessons will take away all struggles in my life. But I have some faith that each lesson I learn will ease those struggles a little, or enable me to deal with them in a healthier way. And that my personal growth will continue.
One of them is that, as much as I want to, I can't control - or even influence - anyone, if they don't want it. And sometimes even if they do want it. And that's okay. I am often so consumed with the need to make people happy, that I make them angry or sad. Ironic eh? But I think it makes sense. Happiness is an intensely personal thing. It can't depend on or originate from another person. It has to be internal, and from God.
Another thing I've learned is that failure is okay. Failure is what we learn from, and we should expect failure, and accept failure. Always strive for success of course, but if things don't turn out like we want them to, it's nothing to be disappointed in. It's part of the process of our lives. Which leads to...
The third thing I've learned is that I need to try to be process-oriented more than product-oriented. In other words, I need to loosen up, balance my life, and enjoy the ride. If I spend my whole life worrying about what will happen at the end of it, nothing will happen in the middle of it...AND nothing will happen at the end! I must appreciate the journey, or I will never be satisfied with the destination.
Finally, I've learned that words can hurt. I can hurt others with my words, and I can be hurt by the words of others. This is a power that I don't like. Words that hurt aren't necessarily true - in fact I think that the truth, if it's really The Truth, by its very nature, builds us up instead of tearing us down - but words can be used for things other than the truth, and often those words can damage feelings and destroy relationships. So, I've determined that I want to let words have less effect on me. I will not provide fuel for any fires, and I will treat people better than they deserve. Hopefully that can stem the flow of hurtful words.
I realize that no one lesson or collection of lessons will take away all struggles in my life. But I have some faith that each lesson I learn will ease those struggles a little, or enable me to deal with them in a healthier way. And that my personal growth will continue.
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