Girls

Girls are pretty awesome. They're smart, or beautiful, or funny, or strong, or all of those things. Throughout my life I've become close friends with several of them, and I love each one of these women very dearly.

However.

I have a small (okay, not that small) gripe that I wish someone would address. I am tired of girls who hang themselves up on boys who treat them badly. A few days ago I read a brilliant (and irreverent) blog that sums up many of the characteristics of those boys, and it got my wheels turning. Sooooo many of my dearly-loved female friends have dipped their toes in these oily waters once or twice, and some keep going back again and again for yet another swim. And then they feel so hurt and betrayed and used and disappointed and depressed. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to invalidate those feelings. But, for heaven's sake, ladies, if you don't want to feel those things in a relationship, stop dating the men who make you feel that way! Decide, once and for all, to forgo looks and charm and fashion as the top qualities you look for. Unsurprisingly, the men who will find you the most precious and beautiful are the ones who will not be competing with you for the bathroom mirror. And they will also respect you, make you laugh, provide for you, and support you in your dreams. They - we - will not feel threatened by you, we will feel incredibly lucky to have you.

Clearly my motives here are less than perfectly altruistic. I've been searching for the right girl for a long time, and every time I think I might have found her, she tells me I'm "very sweet," and proceeds to date a good-looking, charming, funny jerk. I definitely feel bad for these girls. But I also get frustrated!! It's also irritating because, believe it or not, I often have beautiful, talented, intelligent women tell me what a catch I am. Unfortunately, they're always married already! They promise to "keep an eye out" for me, but what good does that do?! It just makes me confused.

In any case, I revisit my original point: girls are awesome. They might also be kinda crazy sometimes, which only goes to balance out the stupidity of the boys. And yet....I still wish I belonged to one. Someday...

Letting Go

It's almost 5 in the morning.
I'm sitting in bed, my stomach churning, because I just saw an old "friend's" website...
This is a guy I haven't spoken to for months.
But I checked up on him, because I was curious.
Why was I curious?
I know I'm not the only person to whom this applies. I know many a victim of heartbreak or harm that still gets hung up on what coulda/shoulda/woulda happened, if only. If only.... Very dangerous words, those two. But common. Regret is a rather vague, paradoxical something. I know sooo many people who say they never have regrets, they choose to live in the moment, etc.
Am I the only one who thinks that's silly?
Regret, like everything else in life, requires balance. It's present to help us learn; too much will poison us. It'd be great not to have regrets...except that I'd never improve or be motivated to change.
I digress.
Anyway, whether they regret past actions or not (in this case, most assuredly not), I can name several people off the top of my head who can't let go of something or someone. Always it's a presence that has proven to be harmful in significant ways. Yet we latch on and wish for the benefits, while trying not to remember the consequences.
It's maddening!
Logically (and this is ironic, considering a conversation I had mere hours ago), I know exactly what I should do and why. And, in all likelihood, I will do that thing. But the infuriating part is that I feel so conflicted and mixed up about it.
What am I supposed to do when I can see things clearly, but the clarity brings no peace?

Clarity

So, I've realized something a little disconcerting about myself as a person:
I tend to believe the best in people, so much so that I forget all about or explain away the bad stuff in them. This has gotten me into trouble in the past, as clearly evidenced by earlier entries in this blog! :-P
Ergo, I think I'm going to write down some of the things that I often fail to fully recognize, things that make me feel bad when done to me, or things that I can't handle, or whatever you want to label them as.
I'm sure, by the way, for those that hate me who randomly see this entry, that I'm guilty of some of these things myself. But when I am, I feel sure that it's either unconscious, or something that I absolutely despise in myself as well as in others. I'm at least that much of a non-hypocrite.
I hate lies. Don't lie to me. If you don't want to tell me something, that's FINE, but don't tell me a lie.
I hate feeling ignored. If I talk to you all the time, it's because I enjoy you and your conversation and your company. If you don't like mine, please don't pretend to like it but "accidentally" fail to respond a lot. If you DO like interacting with me...then DO. Stop blowing me off. Even just taking the time to explain why you can't or didn't answer is fine. Just don't completely ignore me!
To (ironically) quote La Cage aux Folles: "I am what I am." When I tell you who and what I am, for heavens sake, don't try to convince me I'm something else. It's insensitive and rude and, sorry to say it, stupid. I'm 26. I know I'm no Aristotle, but I'm a fairly sharp man, and on top of that, I'm almost unhealthily introspective. I know who I am. If that changes, I promise I'll figure it out without you. Trust me. Trust my acknowledgment of my fortes and my failings, and stop challenging that. Heaven knows, I'm challenging enough as it is.
If you are the type of person who mocks (or even "gently teases") me for the rules that I follow, but you break your own rules all the time, don't be surprised if I really don't like that about you. I find it cowardly and dishonest. If nothing else, make up rules for yourself that are consistent with your behavior. But stop being a hypocrite.
If you're fake, it might take me a long time to see through you. But when I do, I will most likely stop talking to you, and what interaction we do have will become just as fake on my part. Insincere positivity/intimacy/affection is creepy and weird. If you can't be sincere, don't do it.
If a person craves attention, I'll probably offer some. But if you become a leech, I will detach you. By force, if necessary. I hate when it's necessary.
Any form of using another person sucks. For whatever reason. I will dislike it if you do it. And guess what? I'LL TELL YOU SO. I'll probably try to be as nice as possible about it, but I'll say it, if we're friends. Oh, and by the way, manipulation counts as using someone.
Last, but not least, I actually have a belief system, and I actually believe it, and I actually think that it generally applies to human beings. I won't ever try to enforce it or expect anyone else to do it (unless they've said they will), but I'll probably try to convince you not to go against it, as I believe that it'll make you unhappy. So when I say I don't like it when you drink, or smoke pot, or sleep around, or whatever, it's not because I think you're a bad person. It's because I think it could turn you into a worse person. So stop thinking I'm judgmental, when what I want is for you to be happy.
I think that pretty much covers it! Other than these things I can deal with about anything. Contrary to the general feeling of this post, I deeply love most of my friends, and they're great people. But now that I've written this list down, I have something with which to recognize the people I don't need in my life. Hopefully it will be useful!

Coveting?

I wonder if it's innate, a part of human nature, or if it's something that gets attached via nature or nurture to only a few specific human beings: the desire for what we can't have. If this can really be called coveting then I suppose every person experiences it at some point. There's a Commandment about it, after all. But for me, and for certain people I know and care deeply about, wanting what we can't have seems to be a chronic condition.

I kind of wonder if I'm really that covetous though. I don't want something just because another person has it. It isn't a matter of competition for me. It's a matter of personal fulfillment, or even validation, I suppose. Is it foolish of me to feel that I deserve some of the most important things I want in my life - a wife, a family, true friendships, joy and satisfaction in my work, for example? I have hints of some of these things, but somehow, I always either manage to screw them up, or whiff through them, like a ghost, clutching on, trying to take hold, but slipping past like I wasn't even there.

My life seems to be going through an extensive period of "fulfillment Ping Pong" - that is, over the course of a year, or a month, or a week, or even, often, within a day, I go from experiences that are fulfilling and satisfying, to experiences that depress or discourage me, times of emptiness and pessimistic speculation. At these times I can't help but wonder about whether all my relationships will fizzle; if all my work will be for nothing; the possibility that I will continue, unnoticed and taken advantage of, until I despair.

In other words, it may be envious or jealous or covetous of me to say, but....do I ever get a chance to be mostly happy all the time?

Paradoxes

So, if you decide to read this, just be prepared. I may have your head spinning by the end.

Sometimes being the "bad" guy is the best thing you can do. There's a person in my life who I care deeply about, who refuses to make choices that will gain or maintain his independence. I'm not sure what the motivation is for this, maybe fear, maybe pride, I don't know. But he clings like a vise, and will not sustain himself in any significant way. This has become extremely unhealthy, for both him and me.

And so, I had to let him go. I felt (feel, still, sometimes) like a cruel, uncaring, despicable person. I know, rationally, that I'm not. But emotions, unfortunately, are very rarely rational. I had to cut him off, because he wouldn't let ME go. Had to eliminate as much of his presence from my life as possible. Doesn't that sound horrible? It is. I hate it, so, so much.

But you know something? It's the right thing. I can't justify sacrificing my own sanity to make him feel temporarily comforted...until the next humongous crisis in his daily life. I can't continue to give everything I have, and watch it be not enough. And I can't keep enabling him to manipulate, coerce, and guilt me into doing things I'm not okay with.

So, whether I'm the "bad" guy or not, I'm doing something good. It may be hurtful in the short term, but if he allows it to, it will help him immensely to learn and grow and improve. Not that I'm a poster child for perfection, by any means, but there is a line of social, mental, and emotional self-reliance that I have reached, and he hasn't. Maybe I sound judgmental or condescending. Trust me, that is not my feeling here. I want more than anything to help him - and all of my friends - but I can't do a thing if he is unable to utilize that.

It's frustrating. Beyond belief. But I'm doing the right thing. I think.