Master of Disguise?

I have a trait that seems to be a serious failing...but when I think about it, I really like it: I really suck at being a fake friend on any level. If I like you, I like you all the time, not just to your face, and not just in secret. I have had more than a few friends over the years that insist that I be less than myself in public when around them. That grates.

I don't do the whole "secret friend" thing. If you're going to be my friend....then be my friend, and have the guts to deal with the consequences. If not, DON'T be my friend! It will be less stressful for everyone! I like having friends, a lot. But I hate lying. I hate helping other people lie. Please don't make me do it. I understand that everyone has secrets, shameful or otherwise. I'm not asking people to hang out their dirty laundry for all to see. But if you are embarrassed or ashamed to be seen with me, around me, talking to me, hugging me, etc., then it's probably not gonna work out!

Next is a tangent (sort of), that has arisen from knowing SO MANY people who have big, big things to hide.

Dear Parents (and future parents), please hear this loud and clear: if your child does not believe that they can come to you with anything - and I mean anything, whether it's a son who is gay, a daughter who is pregnant, a child who has done drugs, a kid who's stolen something - if they don't believe that you will still love them no matter what, then you are teaching your child to lie to you. All kids lie to their parents, but hopefully the parents teach them better. This is how we fail at teaching them better! Kids should never be afraid or doubtful that their families will reject them. Before we rail against gay marriage, teen pregnancy, drugs, or anything else destroying the family, let's look at the foundation of that destruction: fear and judgment in the home! I know you are afraid your child might ruin his life; don't help him do it! LOVE HIM! Whatever mistakes she has made, her life still goes on, and can get better, if you LOVE HER! It's so so so easy! And yet it is the parents who fail to let their children know they love them, and cultivate the type of human beings that LIE to their parents about their relationships.

All we need, folks, is love. Just listen to the Beatles. Read the scriptures. Study the great men and women of history. Pay attention to the urgings of your conscience. Just love. Love. It's the solution to every problem. That's all we need.

Girls

Girls are pretty awesome. They're smart, or beautiful, or funny, or strong, or all of those things. Throughout my life I've become close friends with several of them, and I love each one of these women very dearly.

However.

I have a small (okay, not that small) gripe that I wish someone would address. I am tired of girls who hang themselves up on boys who treat them badly. A few days ago I read a brilliant (and irreverent) blog that sums up many of the characteristics of those boys, and it got my wheels turning. Sooooo many of my dearly-loved female friends have dipped their toes in these oily waters once or twice, and some keep going back again and again for yet another swim. And then they feel so hurt and betrayed and used and disappointed and depressed. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to invalidate those feelings. But, for heaven's sake, ladies, if you don't want to feel those things in a relationship, stop dating the men who make you feel that way! Decide, once and for all, to forgo looks and charm and fashion as the top qualities you look for. Unsurprisingly, the men who will find you the most precious and beautiful are the ones who will not be competing with you for the bathroom mirror. And they will also respect you, make you laugh, provide for you, and support you in your dreams. They - we - will not feel threatened by you, we will feel incredibly lucky to have you.

Clearly my motives here are less than perfectly altruistic. I've been searching for the right girl for a long time, and every time I think I might have found her, she tells me I'm "very sweet," and proceeds to date a good-looking, charming, funny jerk. I definitely feel bad for these girls. But I also get frustrated!! It's also irritating because, believe it or not, I often have beautiful, talented, intelligent women tell me what a catch I am. Unfortunately, they're always married already! They promise to "keep an eye out" for me, but what good does that do?! It just makes me confused.

In any case, I revisit my original point: girls are awesome. They might also be kinda crazy sometimes, which only goes to balance out the stupidity of the boys. And yet....I still wish I belonged to one. Someday...

My Own Little Neighborhood

In reading my blog, one might think that I'm going through the worst time in my life. I write a lot about how other people's bad judgment affects me, emotionally and practically, and I'm not exaggerating about that. Most of the time, I only write when I'm feeling very strongly about something, and usually when I feel that strongly it's in a negative way - which is sad. It's also an indicator that in a lot of ways, this is NOT a good time in my life.

But it's also an indicator that I need to get my chin up more often, and be more appreciative of the bright spots in my life. This afternoon, as I'm rushing to finish late homework and complete projects and try to pass all my classes, I had to stop and write for a moment about something a little different. Hopefully it will be a bit more positive than usual.

I'm starting to realize more and more that soon I will say goodbye to a lot of things that I know, and a lot of people that I take for granted. Graduation in four short months and the start of a career will be wonderful, and I can't wait. But I also wish I could take some folks with me, and maybe just plant them all around me like a beautiful garden. I want to form my own little fantasy neighborhood, so I can have the best neighbors ever to always be around me.

Normally I don't name names, but this time I will. This is by no means a complete list; if I had the time, I'd create a whole town of my ideal folks and families. But as I'm discussing graduation, and leaving behind the theatre people that I love, they will be the content in this neighborhood.

Marza has to be there. I need her sense of humor and her keen theatrical eye and her intelligence and her leadership and her unconditional love in my life forever more. Boo to Chicago Marza. Live by me always.

Gotta have Michael. He understands and accepts me for who I am, and never tries to make me something else that would make more sense to him. Same thing goes for Tyson. I can talk to them anytime, about anything, and they always make me think. They should both be in my neighborhood.

Shelby and Maddie and Angela and Kalyn and Liz have to be there too. They probably shouldn't ALways live with each other, or even next door, but I love them all so much, and I don't ever want to miss them. These are the women I could happily marry, any one of them. They make me feel real, and cared for, and I can sense the vast depth of their care and friendship. It's pretty amazing.

David should always be my neighbor. He could be the Catholic-ish godfather to my not-so-Catholic Mormon kids. If I, and they, can have his caring and beautiful soul in their life all the time, we will all be better people. Derek needs to be around too, to bounce ideas and conversations and emotions off of, and to remind me to listen closer more often, and to give me greater faith in the honor of humanity.

Jim needs to be there. And Jillian. Come back from Seattle Jillian. We'll set something up so you can be just as awesome a working actor down here in my neighborhood. Jim, will you be in charge of that? Also, I always, always need to work on shows - and life - with both of you. You know how to make theatre - and life - beautiful. Thank you for teaching me so much.

Jake Sommer should be down the street, with a big house and 17 kids. And Jake Evans should be up the street, with Nami and one beautiful daughter. In ten years ;) And Craig should be there, and Landon and Caitlin and Libby, and just their whole family basically. And I'd love it if Jen lived around the corner too. Maybe we could team teach together. I want all of you there.

And of course, my family should be around. Maybe a couple streets away. Close enough that my kids could ride their bikes to Grandma and Grandpa's house after school. I wouldn't be who I am without them.

There are dozens of other that could move in to this community as well and I would receive them with joy. These people that I'm writing about are the ones I know I'll always want with me, in my heart at least, and the ones whose absence I will mourn. Even with all the rottenness that's around, these are my true friends, who have given what they have to help make my life better. I can only pray that I have been able to offer a little bit of my own best in return.

Solo Nel Buio

I love Italian. It can communicate so much without giving anything away, if that makes sense.

What is the point of doing my best? People only hate me for it. It seems to be useless to try to do one's "best" unless one's best is perfection, for otherwise one's mistakes make everybody else view one as superior, hypocritical, and judgmental for even attempting to be good amidst one's failings.

How have insecurity and entitlement become such prevalent aspects of my generation? We are the luckiest, the richest, the longest-lived generation in the second half (at least) of the history of the world; and yet we waste our lives on pride, cruelty, backbiting, scorn, isolationism, pessimism, and problem-oriented thinking. They think of life in terms of scarcity. Almost everyone is out for themselves, just hoping to steal a little happiness, because if anyone else gets any, that somehow means there's less for the rest.

RIDICULOUS!

I am doing my best, and the rest of the world can go suck an egg. If the crafty and manipulative among us decide to take advantage of me for that, so be it. If those who are ashamed of their own lives choose to look at me with contempt for not living up to my own ideals, so be it. If there are those who cannot bow their heads occasionally and acknowledge their own fallibility, their own imperfection, their own need for brotherhood in this struggle of human existence, so be it.

I will not succumb to the crushing weight of mass-induced apathy.

I am strong. I choose to care. I choose to risk my heart to help as many as I can, and gain lasting and immeasurable benefits in return. If that risk results in the occasional heartbreak or betrayal, I will hurt...and then I will heal. And then I will risk again.

I will love. I will love everyone. Unfortunately, guess what? Sometimes that means disapproval. Love, even unconditional love, does NOT mean mindless agreement or being a doormat. In fact, just the opposite: if I think you are wrong, and you are going to hurt yourself, so help me, I will tell you. Feel free to disregard that, but it is built in to me. My love for my fellow wo/men dictates that I at least try.

I will respect each person's individual journey, and my care for them will not stop, but sometimes, if I am being dragged down, my association with those persons WILL stop. I will not sacrifice myself for someone who has decided they are their own lost cause.

And finally, I will hope. I'll hope for a day in the future when all my flaws and failings are stacked next to the good I intended, and actually accomplished. I will hope that when all is known, those who chose to hate will see that I bore them no ill will, and they will forgive the lesser parts of me.
Back into battle, and to communicate - to those who will listen - what the pure power of love and beauty can be.