Solo Nel Buio

I love Italian. It can communicate so much without giving anything away, if that makes sense.

What is the point of doing my best? People only hate me for it. It seems to be useless to try to do one's "best" unless one's best is perfection, for otherwise one's mistakes make everybody else view one as superior, hypocritical, and judgmental for even attempting to be good amidst one's failings.

How have insecurity and entitlement become such prevalent aspects of my generation? We are the luckiest, the richest, the longest-lived generation in the second half (at least) of the history of the world; and yet we waste our lives on pride, cruelty, backbiting, scorn, isolationism, pessimism, and problem-oriented thinking. They think of life in terms of scarcity. Almost everyone is out for themselves, just hoping to steal a little happiness, because if anyone else gets any, that somehow means there's less for the rest.

RIDICULOUS!

I am doing my best, and the rest of the world can go suck an egg. If the crafty and manipulative among us decide to take advantage of me for that, so be it. If those who are ashamed of their own lives choose to look at me with contempt for not living up to my own ideals, so be it. If there are those who cannot bow their heads occasionally and acknowledge their own fallibility, their own imperfection, their own need for brotherhood in this struggle of human existence, so be it.

I will not succumb to the crushing weight of mass-induced apathy.

I am strong. I choose to care. I choose to risk my heart to help as many as I can, and gain lasting and immeasurable benefits in return. If that risk results in the occasional heartbreak or betrayal, I will hurt...and then I will heal. And then I will risk again.

I will love. I will love everyone. Unfortunately, guess what? Sometimes that means disapproval. Love, even unconditional love, does NOT mean mindless agreement or being a doormat. In fact, just the opposite: if I think you are wrong, and you are going to hurt yourself, so help me, I will tell you. Feel free to disregard that, but it is built in to me. My love for my fellow wo/men dictates that I at least try.

I will respect each person's individual journey, and my care for them will not stop, but sometimes, if I am being dragged down, my association with those persons WILL stop. I will not sacrifice myself for someone who has decided they are their own lost cause.

And finally, I will hope. I'll hope for a day in the future when all my flaws and failings are stacked next to the good I intended, and actually accomplished. I will hope that when all is known, those who chose to hate will see that I bore them no ill will, and they will forgive the lesser parts of me.
Back into battle, and to communicate - to those who will listen - what the pure power of love and beauty can be.

Feeling like the bad guy...

Okay. Why is it when I see or learn of my friends doing something that I find distasteful or wrong, I feel like a terrible person? When I watch my friends get ridiculously drunk, to the point of doing idiotic, embarrassing things; or when I learn of the latest surrender to the impulse of two of my single friends to have sex with each other, why do I feel like the villain?

Granted, I make mistakes. Sometimes, when they are friends I trust not to do such things, I get upset at what I perceive to be a betrayal. Anger, bitterness, and jealousy have influenced me to make plenty of horrible choices in my own life. I understand intimately the desire to act on instinct, to abandon restraint, to "loosen up."

So, when my friends do these things, actions that most of society accepts without question, I should fall into the same mold, right? Live and let live, boys will be boys, etc., etc. Except I don't believe that crap. It's platitudinal nonsense. Humanity is inherently good, in my opinion, but society is consistently keen to take the path of least resistance. The problem is, without resistance, I can't build strength of any kind, physical or mental. I believe we should resist temptations rather than catering to them.

As a result of this abnormal conviction, I feel distinctly uncomfortable at parties where my friends are drunk; I don't feel confident or okay supporting my friends in actions I find offensive or morally wrong. I still smile, make an appearance, love my friends...but their choices are sometimes reprehensible to my mind and body.

So why do I always feel like I'm horrible for not wanting what they want?