Persistence of Division

Sometimes I can't wrap my head around my emotions.

"Well," I hear you thinking, "isn't that sort of the point? Emotions are supposed to be elusive and enigmatic. They're the foil to logic. Stop trying to analyze!!" That's true, I suppose. But here's where I'm coming from:

Every once in a while, I see a post or a picture, or hear a song, or smell an aroma, which forcibly reminds me of a person or people that were once part of my life, and are now gone. Right now, my life is wonderful. Truly. The first few pages of this new chapter have been filled with challenges, yes, as well as some amazing rewards. I love teaching. I love (and hate) the constant exertion and exhaustion and performance. It's fantastic, a dream come true. So..... why do I miss those people who are indifferent at the least, and hostile at the worst?

I think it's because I feel like my mistakes have put me on a "team." Those who know my mistakes and understand, as well as the greater number of those who just don't know about those mistakes, are often on "my team." Those who know my mistakes and hate me for them, as well as the greater number of their friends who simply like those people more than they like me, are on "their team." And I'm not allowed to interact. Whether out of embarrassment, or anger, or grief, or respect, or whatever, I simply don't feel like I would be welcome remaining friends with any of "their team." And they certainly don't go out of their way to be my friend, either. But somehow, I still wish that I could fix things, cure things, erase my failures.... and get back these people that I inexplicably still care about. Don't know why.

The ache comes and goes. I try my best to be a good person. Sometimes it backfires; I've tried hard to learn lessons from those experiences, and change myself. And yet, those feelings remain, and I don't know why. It's just one of those twinges of regret, late at night. I hope those will diminish as the years go by.

Hmmm...

It's sort of interesting to be in the midst of a phase of quasi-depression, but to be able to analyze it fairly objectively (or, at least, to think it's fairly objectively). I've come to some realizations that, most likely, I've realized before and then forgotten, and will realize again until I stop being stupid and it finally sinks in for good. Which will probably be when I'm about 72.

First of all, I'm so used to being *not content* that it's pretty much unnoticeable. Which is kind of awful.

Second of all, whenever the above fact hits me, I recognize that I'm not actually used to it at all, and instead I am in a state of gentle grieving almost constantly.

Third of all, very, very, very few things pull me out of this: actually, physically being on stage acting is one of them. Backstage...occasionally, but not with any sort of regularity. Usually backstage is just a slightly more pleasant version of the attention-seeking popularity contest that makes up the majority of my social observations. Which I'm sure I would be totally fine with if I was the popular one with all the attention....
The only other thing I can think of at the moment that pulls me out of my funk is being needed.
Don't know why. Don't know what the relative health level of that particular personality trait is. But I like being needed, more than I like being wanted. I don't think I really know what being loved is like, outside of family (and even then...), so who knows about that prioritization yet. But unfortunately, I'm not really needed much anymore either. My closest friends like me, but they don't need me. Not anymore.

Fourth of all, I really need to re-examine/recommit to the spiritual aspects of my life, which have been severely lacking lately.

Fifth of all, despite feeling a significant amount of ridiculousness at typing all of this down, it's definitely helped me process, as usual, more than I anticipated.

Sixth of all, if you happen to have read through this far....I don't know if you now know anything new or different about me than you knew before, but hopefully at least you understand why I haven't been as chipper as I normally am...if, of course, you have any sort of quality contact with me. Which you likely don't. Which I don't blame anybody for.....except I kinda do. Which is selfish. Yaaaay for circles of guilt.

Seventh of all, I can't decide how exactly to be happy for somebody's happiness in the present while mourning for the near-inevitable miseries of their chosen future. I don't pretend to know what's going to happen, but I can make a fair guess in most cases (as has been borne out in the past), and I hate watching people grow to be miserable. Oh well.

Last of all (for now), despite my loneliness and frustration at the sense of abandonment I always come back to, I am thoroughly, deeply, honestly grateful for the hard lessons I've had to learn, and the sweet rewards and emotions that come with sharing the deepest, truest parts of myself in telling a story, especially onstage or through music. Nothing is purer than that to me.

My Own Little Neighborhood

In reading my blog, one might think that I'm going through the worst time in my life. I write a lot about how other people's bad judgment affects me, emotionally and practically, and I'm not exaggerating about that. Most of the time, I only write when I'm feeling very strongly about something, and usually when I feel that strongly it's in a negative way - which is sad. It's also an indicator that in a lot of ways, this is NOT a good time in my life.

But it's also an indicator that I need to get my chin up more often, and be more appreciative of the bright spots in my life. This afternoon, as I'm rushing to finish late homework and complete projects and try to pass all my classes, I had to stop and write for a moment about something a little different. Hopefully it will be a bit more positive than usual.

I'm starting to realize more and more that soon I will say goodbye to a lot of things that I know, and a lot of people that I take for granted. Graduation in four short months and the start of a career will be wonderful, and I can't wait. But I also wish I could take some folks with me, and maybe just plant them all around me like a beautiful garden. I want to form my own little fantasy neighborhood, so I can have the best neighbors ever to always be around me.

Normally I don't name names, but this time I will. This is by no means a complete list; if I had the time, I'd create a whole town of my ideal folks and families. But as I'm discussing graduation, and leaving behind the theatre people that I love, they will be the content in this neighborhood.

Marza has to be there. I need her sense of humor and her keen theatrical eye and her intelligence and her leadership and her unconditional love in my life forever more. Boo to Chicago Marza. Live by me always.

Gotta have Michael. He understands and accepts me for who I am, and never tries to make me something else that would make more sense to him. Same thing goes for Tyson. I can talk to them anytime, about anything, and they always make me think. They should both be in my neighborhood.

Shelby and Maddie and Angela and Kalyn and Liz have to be there too. They probably shouldn't ALways live with each other, or even next door, but I love them all so much, and I don't ever want to miss them. These are the women I could happily marry, any one of them. They make me feel real, and cared for, and I can sense the vast depth of their care and friendship. It's pretty amazing.

David should always be my neighbor. He could be the Catholic-ish godfather to my not-so-Catholic Mormon kids. If I, and they, can have his caring and beautiful soul in their life all the time, we will all be better people. Derek needs to be around too, to bounce ideas and conversations and emotions off of, and to remind me to listen closer more often, and to give me greater faith in the honor of humanity.

Jim needs to be there. And Jillian. Come back from Seattle Jillian. We'll set something up so you can be just as awesome a working actor down here in my neighborhood. Jim, will you be in charge of that? Also, I always, always need to work on shows - and life - with both of you. You know how to make theatre - and life - beautiful. Thank you for teaching me so much.

Jake Sommer should be down the street, with a big house and 17 kids. And Jake Evans should be up the street, with Nami and one beautiful daughter. In ten years ;) And Craig should be there, and Landon and Caitlin and Libby, and just their whole family basically. And I'd love it if Jen lived around the corner too. Maybe we could team teach together. I want all of you there.

And of course, my family should be around. Maybe a couple streets away. Close enough that my kids could ride their bikes to Grandma and Grandpa's house after school. I wouldn't be who I am without them.

There are dozens of other that could move in to this community as well and I would receive them with joy. These people that I'm writing about are the ones I know I'll always want with me, in my heart at least, and the ones whose absence I will mourn. Even with all the rottenness that's around, these are my true friends, who have given what they have to help make my life better. I can only pray that I have been able to offer a little bit of my own best in return.

Letting Go

It's almost 5 in the morning.
I'm sitting in bed, my stomach churning, because I just saw an old "friend's" website...
This is a guy I haven't spoken to for months.
But I checked up on him, because I was curious.
Why was I curious?
I know I'm not the only person to whom this applies. I know many a victim of heartbreak or harm that still gets hung up on what coulda/shoulda/woulda happened, if only. If only.... Very dangerous words, those two. But common. Regret is a rather vague, paradoxical something. I know sooo many people who say they never have regrets, they choose to live in the moment, etc.
Am I the only one who thinks that's silly?
Regret, like everything else in life, requires balance. It's present to help us learn; too much will poison us. It'd be great not to have regrets...except that I'd never improve or be motivated to change.
I digress.
Anyway, whether they regret past actions or not (in this case, most assuredly not), I can name several people off the top of my head who can't let go of something or someone. Always it's a presence that has proven to be harmful in significant ways. Yet we latch on and wish for the benefits, while trying not to remember the consequences.
It's maddening!
Logically (and this is ironic, considering a conversation I had mere hours ago), I know exactly what I should do and why. And, in all likelihood, I will do that thing. But the infuriating part is that I feel so conflicted and mixed up about it.
What am I supposed to do when I can see things clearly, but the clarity brings no peace?