Hmmm...

It's sort of interesting to be in the midst of a phase of quasi-depression, but to be able to analyze it fairly objectively (or, at least, to think it's fairly objectively). I've come to some realizations that, most likely, I've realized before and then forgotten, and will realize again until I stop being stupid and it finally sinks in for good. Which will probably be when I'm about 72.

First of all, I'm so used to being *not content* that it's pretty much unnoticeable. Which is kind of awful.

Second of all, whenever the above fact hits me, I recognize that I'm not actually used to it at all, and instead I am in a state of gentle grieving almost constantly.

Third of all, very, very, very few things pull me out of this: actually, physically being on stage acting is one of them. Backstage...occasionally, but not with any sort of regularity. Usually backstage is just a slightly more pleasant version of the attention-seeking popularity contest that makes up the majority of my social observations. Which I'm sure I would be totally fine with if I was the popular one with all the attention....
The only other thing I can think of at the moment that pulls me out of my funk is being needed.
Don't know why. Don't know what the relative health level of that particular personality trait is. But I like being needed, more than I like being wanted. I don't think I really know what being loved is like, outside of family (and even then...), so who knows about that prioritization yet. But unfortunately, I'm not really needed much anymore either. My closest friends like me, but they don't need me. Not anymore.

Fourth of all, I really need to re-examine/recommit to the spiritual aspects of my life, which have been severely lacking lately.

Fifth of all, despite feeling a significant amount of ridiculousness at typing all of this down, it's definitely helped me process, as usual, more than I anticipated.

Sixth of all, if you happen to have read through this far....I don't know if you now know anything new or different about me than you knew before, but hopefully at least you understand why I haven't been as chipper as I normally am...if, of course, you have any sort of quality contact with me. Which you likely don't. Which I don't blame anybody for.....except I kinda do. Which is selfish. Yaaaay for circles of guilt.

Seventh of all, I can't decide how exactly to be happy for somebody's happiness in the present while mourning for the near-inevitable miseries of their chosen future. I don't pretend to know what's going to happen, but I can make a fair guess in most cases (as has been borne out in the past), and I hate watching people grow to be miserable. Oh well.

Last of all (for now), despite my loneliness and frustration at the sense of abandonment I always come back to, I am thoroughly, deeply, honestly grateful for the hard lessons I've had to learn, and the sweet rewards and emotions that come with sharing the deepest, truest parts of myself in telling a story, especially onstage or through music. Nothing is purer than that to me.

Gulp

In a few days, I will be "graduating." I won't really - I still need to take one class and test out of another before they'll sign off on my degree. But I have commencement on Friday, with the caps and the gowns and the tassels and the pomp and circumstance. And, to be frank, the only things that can capture my thoughts and feelings happen to be musical theatre lyrics:

"...it's a big, bright, beautiful world..."
"...excited and scared..."
"...everybody's got the right to be happy..."
"...as we stumble along on life's funny journey..."
"...sorry-grateful, regretful-happy..."

And more. The thing is, I have two major career options ahead of me, not just one. And neither of those career options are the typical start-as-an-intern-anywhere-and-work-your-way-up variety. They are both the go-where-you-think-they-might-be-hiring-and-cross-your-fingers type. Acting and teaching are things that I love, but neither is especially secure, nor are they especially easy to break into. So not only do I have twice the number of possible paths, those each branch off into dozens more, and every road has a big cloud of London-variety fog obscuring the distant scenery. Not only that, but each of these roads has some major obstacles in the way: money, or location, or timing, or some combination of those. It's making me somewhat anxious.

However.

There are also influences in my life at the moment that are giving me what amounts to a big push out the door. I'll warn you that the next few sentences probably sound a bit whiny, so skip them if you feel unprepared to sympathize. One of these influences happens to be my "social" life at school. I freely acknowledge that I have been student teaching most of the semester, and my friends are plenty busy themselves. But am I wrong in thinking that "out of sight, out of mind" isn't really very nice? I essentially feel forgotten about, and after six years of classes and devotion to my department, that's making me sad and miffed in turns. Don't I deserve some recognition/appreciation, dag nab it?!

Okay, done. With all that said, I will miss a lot of the people I'll be leaving behind, but I'm also looking forward. Or at least trying to. I truly am thrilled at the idea of working, for real, doing what I love. And I know that this transition will not end my learning experience: I'll discover how to put my "theory" learning into practice, both onstage and off. The lessons I learned about myself while in school will be much easier to live. And the friends I have left will be real. That's kind of heartbreaking, and kind of awesome.

Life...here I come.

Dream Roles!

I was recently inspired by one of my closest friends (who posted a similar blog on this subject) to write about the roles I most want to play one day. Plus I figure my blog needs more pictures and stuff. As she says, if one is opting for an acting career, one usually has a role that one wants to play most, at least at some point. She has six. I have five...plus a bunch of "almosts."

Jack in Into the Woods


Fabrizio in The Light in the Piazza - I've already been lucky enough
to have played this role, and what an incredible experience.


J. Pierrepont Finch in
How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying


Dickon in The Secret Garden


Henrik in A Little Night Music

Those are the big 5. But I'd also love to play Toby in Sweeney Todd, Linus in You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown, Arpad in She Loves Me, Leo Frank in Parade, Charlie in The Foreigner, Hamlet, Ariel in The Tempest...the list goes on. I can usually come up with a role I'd love to play in any show I really enjoy. That's part of why I love theatre so much, I think. I don't always have to be "the lead" to have wonderful songs or fantastic acting moments. The audience gets to immerse themselves in the lives of all these fascinating characters, who are funny, or powerful, or magical, or innocent.... They get to watch a deeper, brighter, fiercer version of humanity, right before their eyes. It's kind of freakin' awesome.

p.s. For a blog written by a guy named "Actor," I feel pretty stupid that this is my first real post about my theatrical endeavors!!