NYC Day One

So, with the illustrious examples of greats such as Clin Eaton and Josh Long to guide me, I figured I'd better chronicle my adventures during my trip to New York City, which I'm taking with my brother as a somewhat unplanned vacation. 

It all started because I'm directing a production of Macbeth at my school this coming spring, and Macbeth also happens to be playing on Broadway currently. Around Thanksgiving time, I casually checked out the cost of flying in for a day, seeing the show, and flying back. The answer: too much. However, flights during Christmas Break were much cheaper...especially if I stayed longer than a day. Well, one thing led to another, my brother got wrangled into the mix (quite willingly, I might add), and our New York trip had wings.

And now, here we are! Day One.

By all usual standards, our flight was fairly run-of-the-mill. I sat in a window seat on an exit row next to a very nice flight attendant who was secretly having a showdown with her boyfriend via text message. She grumbled enough detail to tell me that somebody had misplaced a Christmas card (?) and now their relationship is doomed. The holiday spirit can be so fleeting.... The only bad part about the flight, really, was that the emergency exit I was seated against was not insulated, so my poor feet were VERY cold the whole time. Once we landed (and waited for about half an hour on the Tarmac - our punishment for arriving early), my toes began to thaw, and we set about trying to interpret the subway system and get to our "hotel."

Eventually we found the AirTrain, figured out how to get to Jamaica Station, and managed to purchase a 7-Day Unlimited MTA Card. We hopped onto the E line, and eventually got off at 53rd street and 5th avenue. A few blocks later we made it to our "hotel."

I have to use quotes, because it isn't actually a hotel, it's an apartment. An apartment room. One of five. For two of us, at $110 a night, it's quite nice, but the Ritz this ain't. It is, in fact, one floor above the Happy Valley Spa and Massage Parlor, owned by our landlady, Cindy. We did not inquire about their services.

One we'd had a chance to put our luggage down (FINALLY) and take a breather, we decided to grab some dinner before heading uptown to the Lincoln Center for the nights performance of the Scottish Play. So we strolled down the street to TGI Friday's and gaped at the prices. Luckily we were only buying one meal today. No substitutions, and no Coke products. Mozzarella sticks and chicken fingers were the winners.

Then another subway adventure from Times Square up to the Vivian Beaumont Theatre, along with a detour to the Performing Arts Library, which had an awesome exhibit on Al Hirschfeld and his drawings - I discovered a secret about Nina!

At 7:30 we swung back into the Lincoln Center and went down to our front-row seats. The set was stark, but interesting - based on medieval pentacles and heptagons. The play was unabridged, and it showed. The three witches were men, including Malcolm Gets and John Glover (who played Lionel Luthor in the TV show Smallville); they were a highlight of the show. So was Brian D'Arcy James's Banquo - confident, powerful, and measured onstage, he never floundered with the text, or threw it away. 

But apparently Broadway actors have some of the same struggles that my high school students do: projection was a major issue! I couldn't figure it out - despite having microphones on and floor mics everywhere, I couldn't hear much of the time. It was frustrating. Macduff was played by Daniel Sunjata, who had a slightly English "Shakespe-ahhh" voice. I wanted to yell at him to pronounce his Rs. Lady Macbeth was played by a very pale British woman who was pretty good... she made out a lot with her husband, anyway. Ethan Hawke played the title character, and was...meh. He was either yelling or whispering most of the time, but occasionally there were some nice moments of honesty and emotion. His journey from honor to raging ambition to madness was disjointed and unclear though, and was more like a game of hopscotch than a developed character arc. The blocking was very nice: creative and natural, some great pictures up there on that black thrust stage. If only I could've heard them all when their backs were to me...there, on the front row.

All in all, however, a lovely, if absolutely exhausting, day. More tomorrow!

It's Gotta Be Me, Right?

It's strange to truly realize one day that I am the biggest problem in my own life. I am the one and only thing in common with all my failed relationships. Many of the people I admire most, with whom I wish I could be better friends, are besties with other people who despise me. Questions I ask because I care are routinely interpreted as intrusive, annoying, condescending, or confrontational. I'm no longer given the benefit of the doubt. My mother is being shunned in my home neighborhood because of my past mistakes. I constantly get played, mocked, shamed. The worst part is, I truly, truly don't understand what I am doing to cause this. I try to be nice to everyone. I try to care and show kindness and give sincere compliments and make restitution for the mistakes I've made or the harm I've caused. I try to get better. But I'm not. Soon my students will be gone for the summer. Nobody will be left that really respects me... and even they didn't, not really. And it can't be a huge conspiracy. And I can't believe that so much of the world - or my personal community, at least - is so mean and judgmental and unforgiving and spiteful. So that means that I am doing things wrong. I wish I could stop. Just stop everything. Start over where nobody else knows me. Forget everyone.

Too bad. Sucks for me.

A Little Bit of Poetry?

An unexpected thing is happening.

 

A bit by little bit, it's easier to let go of the ones who bring me down.

 

I have the challenge in my daily life that keeps me tired; vital; on my toes.

 

I'm satisfied, in work, and then in art.

 

I love my students. They renew my soul.

 

 

So: past life, before whom I ofttimes shook and trembled: thy slow vanquishment draws near.

 

 

Goodbye A, D, C, K, T, S, D, D, S, K, R, T, K, T, R, D, and more. You made me happy once, but after all... the weight you have become will soon be shed.

Mediocrity

I have been writing on this blog for a little over four and a half years. That's kinda crazy! Who'da thunk that this particular form of journaling would be (relatively) successful for me!

Anyway, I haven't written for a few weeks, and I don't really even know what I want to write about tonight, except that I feel like I need to write about something. We're on the downhill slope at school, headed toward summer "vacation" time (I won't really have much vacation time realistically, but I'll at least be able to sleep in a bit), and a show I'm directing opens in a week, and I'm just overwhelmed. And also kind of underwhelmed at the same time. I went back to my college campus last night to watch a show, which was pretty good, and when it was over, I left without much fanfare. A few people said hi and gave me hugs, and then went to join their friends. I saw a couple of cast members, but most were beginning to strike the set. Most that I saw there didn't really care at all that I was attending. So, I kind of just slipped in and slipped out. It was a lonely feeling.

Maybe that's what I need to process. I didn't really leave a mark there. And I haven't really left a mark anywhere. I'm good at some stuff, but not remarkable. Sometimes I try to help people, but it doesn't last, or it backfires, or it just fails. I love my students, but I'm not very good at addressing their individual needs, or planning ahead. I'm way behind on grading, my classroom management leaves a lot to be desired, and the administration and custodial staff are fed up with my failures to keep things clean and organized and on budget. Many of the parents are supportive, and I just don't know what sort of help to ask them for. My apartment and car are big messes, and I can barely motivate myself to do laundry, much less motivate my students to work even harder on our shows. In summary, I'm doing okay.... but not great. I'm just mediocre.

It hurts, subtly, to even type that out. I had ambitions once, and somewhere along the line I compromised or rationalized or made errors until those ambitions became foolish overreaching. I'm a good singer, but not a great one. I'm a good actor, but I'll never be paid to act the starring role. I'm in shape... at least a shape. I have a strong spiritual side, but it's been languishing for years. I'm not truly awesome at anything, and I really really wanted to be.

I'm young-ish, though. I've probably got decades left to make a positive mark somewhere. So hopefully that time will come along, and I'll be remembered for something good. Something lasting. I hope.

A Year in Review

Okay, December 31st, 9:05 p.m., time to think about resolutions! First though, I'll be cliche and think about 2012. What an interesting roller coaster of a year....

Started right out of the gate with show 48, Noises Off. This was a blast, not too much stress, just lots and lots of fun. Worked with a whole bunch of people I already knew, and a few new faces as well. What a great show, a fun role for me, and a lovely cast.

At the same time, I jumped into rehearsals for my debut as a high school director and designer. Guys and Dolls at Viewmont High has to be one of the most rewarding endeavors I've ever participated in. It confirmed my career choice as absolutely right, it gained me some amazing new colleagues and resources, it taught me a lot of lessons and gave me some fantastic experience, and it introduced me to almost 90 students who awed me every day with their passion, their commitment, their openness, and their joy. What I would have given to be able to go back and work with them again!

But it was not to be. Instead, the spring months dealt me some interesting cards. I was abandoned by a close friend, and that helped me cut a lot of ties with my alma mater. I went through some terrifying possibilities that might have changed my career and my life. I began dating a beautiful woman, inside and out, who changed some things as well. I continued working at my "normal" job, and searching for a teaching position, while living at home with my parents and brothers. I auditioned for several shows, and was rejected (either immediately or eventually) from them all, except one.

Dirty Rotten Scoundrels, show 49, was a challenging experience as well. A full hour away for no pay. A smart, enthusiastic, and inexperienced production team. A theatre being built around us, with no dressing rooms, inaccessible restrooms and water, and just enough wing space to almost hide everything. However, the payoff was in meeting and working with some of the best people I could have been blessed to know.

In the midst of all came the bombshell: I got a teaching job. A big teaching job. A terrifying, overwhelming, wonderful teaching job, that I quickly grew to love - even before I met the students. More on them later. In celebration, I got my own apartment, and began living on my own - a situation that has been so right for me at this point in my life.

I was also cast in show number 50 in twenty years of acting: The Scarlet Pimpernel. This was a cast, a design, and a show to die for. I had a fantastic role, and had so much fun. I was crazy for attempting to do it while I was in my first year of teaching, but it worked somehow, and was completely worth it.

Finally, November and December brought some more new things. I took students on a trip (gulp). I directed The Music Man, which was artistically successful and commercially not; and in the process I grew to care more deeply about my students and their art than I thought I could. I felt enough authority that I intelligently defended myself to custodians, administrators, and parents. I managed to convince some skeptical students to like me and work with me. I put up a murder mystery in 6 and a half days, and it made money. I discovered how much money really does permeate everything. I taught and learned and improvised and disciplined and gave up and didn't give up. I unburned a bridge. I expanded my perspective.

And I resolved to do something in 2013:
Teach truly.
Play truly.
Pay truly.
Pray truly.
Speak truly.
Think truly.
Live truly.

If I can keep the concept of truth in my daily life, and let it blaze in me, then 2013 will be a good year.

Persistence of Division

Sometimes I can't wrap my head around my emotions.

"Well," I hear you thinking, "isn't that sort of the point? Emotions are supposed to be elusive and enigmatic. They're the foil to logic. Stop trying to analyze!!" That's true, I suppose. But here's where I'm coming from:

Every once in a while, I see a post or a picture, or hear a song, or smell an aroma, which forcibly reminds me of a person or people that were once part of my life, and are now gone. Right now, my life is wonderful. Truly. The first few pages of this new chapter have been filled with challenges, yes, as well as some amazing rewards. I love teaching. I love (and hate) the constant exertion and exhaustion and performance. It's fantastic, a dream come true. So..... why do I miss those people who are indifferent at the least, and hostile at the worst?

I think it's because I feel like my mistakes have put me on a "team." Those who know my mistakes and understand, as well as the greater number of those who just don't know about those mistakes, are often on "my team." Those who know my mistakes and hate me for them, as well as the greater number of their friends who simply like those people more than they like me, are on "their team." And I'm not allowed to interact. Whether out of embarrassment, or anger, or grief, or respect, or whatever, I simply don't feel like I would be welcome remaining friends with any of "their team." And they certainly don't go out of their way to be my friend, either. But somehow, I still wish that I could fix things, cure things, erase my failures.... and get back these people that I inexplicably still care about. Don't know why.

The ache comes and goes. I try my best to be a good person. Sometimes it backfires; I've tried hard to learn lessons from those experiences, and change myself. And yet, those feelings remain, and I don't know why. It's just one of those twinges of regret, late at night. I hope those will diminish as the years go by.

New Chapter

The Book of Me

Chapter 1: The Early Years - in which I am born, and develop my basic personality. From birth to 9 years old.

Chapter 2: The Start of Everything - in which I discover theatre, move to a new house, get my first kiss, hit adolescence, and begin making more significant mistakes than before. Ages 9 to 15.

Chapter 3: High School - in which I reclaim the confidence I had as a child, and get great opportunities, and generally do well with a lot of them. Ages 15 to 19.

Chapter 4: Transitioning - in which I learn how to serve, my mistakes come back to bite me, I mostly learn from them over a long period of time, and I go back to school. Ages 19 to 22.

Chapter 5: Education - in which I make many more mistakes, find some elusive joy in unexpected places, hone my talents, learn to be a grown-up, and discover (repeatedly) that I am not as important to most of the people I care about as they are to me. Ages 22 to 28.

Chapter 6.

A chance to start over.

A chance to be new, to have a clean slate. To reclaim the best parts of who I am, and find my love for myself, regardless of who else may feel the same. To change. So:

Uncap the pen.

Turn the page.

Here I go.

Loss and Amends

I really don't want to write tonight. In a lot of ways, I don't think I even can write... but I'm going to. So much has happened to me over the past year. I graduated from college, and I moved away from the people I've known and gotten close to over the past two, three, four, five years. And for the majority, I disappeared. Only maybe half a dozen people from my college years - some that I would never have expected - have initiated any sort of contact with me. In the last few years of school, I made some amazing friends, and lost some less-than-amazing ones. Over the past year, I lost another one. I tried for a long time to save this friendship somehow, do something to revitalize it. I failed. I don't think there was a way for me to succeed. I was replaced.

There are some things about me that makes me different than anyone else I've ever known. One of the most significant is that I commit - fully - at the simplest gesture of trust. I trust completely... which is incredibly foolish of me to do. I give everything I can give to those who ask, or even those who just need someone. Re-reading it, that sounds "noble" in some ways... but it doesn't feel noble. It feels sacrificial. It feels codependent. It feels like torture. And it sounds insane.

One of the things I think I fail to communicate is that I want just as much commitment and care. I want somebody to ask me how my day was, to want to make me happy. But since I give that to all the people I care about, that stupid part of me gets very depressed when those friends make no effort to return that care. I feel taken advantage of. I feel used. I feel betrayed. There is so much anger that I'm feeling toward those many, many people.... as well as a deep conviction that they're right, I'm not really worth their time unless they want something from me.

Balancing that out - or, at least, tipping the scales the other direction in a few ways - is a new, surprising, very strange experience for me: a girl likes me, and I like her back. She makes me feel almost good enough. When I'm with her, I don't think about the people I've hurt, or the ones who have hurt me. I want to be better. I want to make her proud of me. I'm also incredibly scared at this new-found wrinkle in my life. What if I fail again? What if the things I feel aren't real? What if......

I'm trying to put the what-ifs aside, and focus on that I-want-to-be-better feeling. I spent the late hours of last night writing messages to those I've hurt in the past or the present, apologizing for my choices. I don't expect replies, or reconciliation. I'm just trying to take small steps toward some sort of limited atonement. With my luck, it'll probably make things worse. But, I guess sometimes the thought has to count for something. We'll see. But in any case, swallowing my pride and choosing forgiveness and spending time on failed relationships is hard. I really, really hope it's worth it somehow. It won't be in the ways I want it to, but maybe it will be in the ways I need.

Determined, By Gum...

Another post! And again, I will count my many blessings if it kills me, dang it. I'm tired of feeling sad and worthless, so what better solution than finding the things that make me happy?

The sun has started shining again, and the temperature is beginning to (sporadically) climb into summer weather. This is sooooooo good!
I'm going on a third date in two days with a really beautiful girl that I like! Providing I can think of something to do....
I'm saving money! Slowly but surely. The dream of my own apartment is on the distant horizon.
My patriarchal blessing is wonderful to read.

Well....that's kind of everything at the moment. I suppose there are lots of other things that are blessings, that I'm lucky to have: my family, my health, my talents, relative comfort and ease here in America, a full-time job, etc. I'm very grateful for those things, too. So, yeah. It didn't really work, but maybe it'll kick in a bit later. Here's hopin!

Forced Perspective

Well, tonight I have quite a bit to feel sad or angry about. But you know something? I'm not going to complain about any of it. I'm tired of feeling sad and angry, and I'm tired of putting so much effort and care into people who refuse to make me a priority. So, instead, I'm going to try and write about the good things that are happening in my life, and hopefully that will make me somewhat happier.

I have a few really good friends. They have stuck with me through everything, despite mistakes, despite distance, despite differences, and it's baffling and amazing.

Directing a show at a high school over the past three months was a truly incredible experience. The whole community came to support us. Watching those kids grow and work and play and build relationships was so, so rewarding. I know that becoming a teacher was exactly the right thing for me to do.

I'm starting to save some money, slowly. This is a very good thing.

I had a wonderful, fun, delightful first date last night, and it sparked something inside me that's lain dormant for quite a few years. Also, The Hunger Games was a really good movie. I'm looking forward to a second date with this girl :-)

Somebody said hello to me today that I had no idea still knew I existed. It touched me, and I'm grateful for the select few that think to offer little comments like that every so often.

I've got a few opportunities approaching as far as performing, that could be really fun. I'm hoping something will come of them!

Kind of a lame update, I know, especially after so long a hiatus. But there it is. Maybe it will set a good tone and precedent for the rest of this year. I wish myself good luck :-)